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 Posted: Sat May 31, 2014 12:45 pm
A Foot in Each World[Aquarius + Thraen] Possible ghosts and lingering guilt complicate what was meant to be a straightforward exchange of information.
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Posted: Sat May 31, 2014 12:52 pm
It was funny, the things a person could get used to.
When she was younger, Tara had taken to calling herself "wonderfull" on occasion. Not because she was anything special, she claimed, but because she was full of wonder. She loved to be surprised by what the natural world had in store for her. The knowledge that she would never find out all of its secrets only encouraged her curiosity. She wanted to go on making discoveries forever, and looking into the mysteries of the universe would allow her to do that.
Though she liked to think of herself as the sort of person who accepted anything to come her way- aliens, dark matter, whatever- she had never expected to be a magical hero reborn from a forgotten age. And while she had taken this in stride at first, and indeed, been excited about it, that enthusiasm faded as she learned what else her destiny had in store for her. She found out what it was like to die, and to become a monster, craving the flesh of people she very much wanted to stay alive. She discovered brand new levels of pain, both physical and emotional. She learned more about loss than she had ever wanted to know.
Compared with these experiences, ignorance had been comfortable. Not interesting or exciting or fun, but comfortable. If she had been asked before her awakening if she would ever take comfort over adventure, Tara would have laughed at the idea. But whenever she tried to reclaim her sense of wonder, the horrors she'd lived through- and died from- stopped her. She began to see her younger self as nothing more than a naive child who knew nothing about the harsh reality of the world. And she began shutting things out, so they wouldn't hurt her anymore.
Often, this didn't work. She realized early on that she couldn't shut out being a senshi completely. Not early enough to save her from the folly of that choice, but at least this one didn't kill her. Which meant she had to be on the right track. So, like the scientist she was, she kept that variable the same and began tweaking others. Less time spent out was good. Cutting herself off from her friends was even better. Especially when they showed the distressing tendency of awakening into roles in the war when they spent any amount of time with her. Whenever she felt her resolve weaken, she thought of Laney and Dana, now beyond her help, and built her walls higher and stronger.
It was not, she knew, a small price to pay. But it was the only sacrifice that seemed to have any sort of effect on the situation she had come to fear and loathe. The universe inspired terror and hatred in her more than joy and amazement. The child that Tara had been would never recognize the adult she had grown up to be. Sometimes, the adult she was looked in the mirror and found a total stranger there. And that scared her too.
So when she began seeing an actual stranger, a ghost or illusion or some strange phenomenon, she had expected more emotional upheaval. Whatever this was, she had figured out early on that it wasn't normal, even for senshi. Her experiences so far had taught her that abnormal usually meant bad, and often painful to boot. She waited, anxious, to see what she was being put through this time.
But aside from being a nuisance and a snarky b*****d, Exidor didn't really do much. He tended to leave her alone during school, and often when she was with family or busy with patrol he simply seemed to watch her, which was decidedly creepy but otherwise harmless. It was when she was alone and feeling conflicted, or trying to shut someone else out, that he was inclined to speak up. He was highly critical at these times, and arrogant to boot, but in his dysfunctional way, he really seemed to be trying to help. So Tara couldn't bring herself to hate him.
It was really tempting sometimes, though.
"You can put this off for as long as you like," he told her one evening, while she was trying to do some reading for school. "But you're going to have to make a decision one of these days. The sooner you do, the easier it will be for you, and for the people who care about you. So why do you insist on delaying the inevitable?"
Reading about types of microbes was difficult even in the best of times. When there was an irate ghost of her dead self chattering at her, it was closer to impossible. Sighing, Tara shut her textbook- in Exidor's face, just to see his reaction- and stuck her tongue out at him. "What's to say this isn't my decision? I'm handling things just fine the way they are. Aside from a couple of early mistakes, nobody's hurting."
Exidor didn't flinch when she clapped the book shut, but her words made him wince. "You can't possibly believe that. Your friends care about you, for all you've pushed them away. Your brother is desperate to find out why you're behaving in this manner. And-"
"They'll get over it," Tara interrupted. They'd already had this argument many times over. Exidor didn't seem to understand the meaning of the expression 'beating a dead horse,' and when she'd tried to explain it, he'd accused her of barbarism. Which meant they got to rehash the same issues again and again. "My friends will be safe, which means they'll get to make new friends and go on with their lives." Kent was a harder issue to deal with. Tara knew that he wouldn't just forget she was there and keep going, but if he was alive and well, he could do anything. "My brother doesn't know the truth, and that's the way it should be. It would only hurt him more if he knew what was really going on. This way, everyone's pain is minimized." It wasn't the perfect solution, but it was the best she could do under the circumstances.
"Yours isn't."
Tara frowned. "What?"
"Your pain isn't minimized. You've been piling it on for months, years. It doesn't protect the people you care about, and if you keep it up-"
"I'm not talking about this anymore." This was the hard part about dealing with her maybe past self. He had the tendency to be right, to voice ideas she had considered but never dared give any credence to. That, she felt, was more distressing than any of the actual issues he brought up. It was safer to just set them aside, until she was ready to deal with them. Or not.
Exidor frowned, his expression matching Tara's almost perfectly. "You may not be ready to talk, but you need to listen- now see here!" he yelled, as Tara put on her headphones. "You can't shut everything out forever!"
A swivel of the chair, and Tara could pretend she was alone again. She had always been good at make believe. Even now, when she felt disillusioned and empty, she could still play the part she was assigned. She knew Exidor was still watching, and somehow, that didn't bother her either. It had become one of the facts of her crazy, messed-up life, and that was the way it was. In some way, her ability to accept things as they came was still functioning, if in a backwards sort of way.
The mirror she looked into was badly warped, but the same person was there, waiting for the chance to fix things. She had all the tools. All she needed was a chance, before it was too late.
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Posted: Sat May 31, 2014 12:53 pm
For Tara, nightmares were commonplace. She had no shortage of terrifying experiences and horrific fears to haunt her dreams. The most common ones recalled her deaths: the explosion, the Science Club, the monsters who killed her and the ones who came close. Other nightmares featured the imagined deaths- and fates far worse- of her loved ones. She couldn't remember the last time she'd had an uninterrupted night's sleep. Dark circles seemed to have permanently etched themselves under her eyes. Even sleeping pills didn't help, and having to wrench herself out of a drug-induced sleep only made her even groggier the next day.
But at least she had been able to wake up. The thought of being stuck in a nightmare, unable to force herself awake, made Tara stop taking the medicine she had bought. If less sleep was the price she had to pay for what remained of her sanity, it was one she would give.
Most of her dreams were recurring. A new one added to the mix was a bad sign. Or was it that anything unfamiliar was considered a bad sign? Whichever it was, when Tara woke up feeling unsettled, but unable to remember exactly what she had dreamed about, she started to worry. Or at least, she kicked her worry up a few notches. Regular nightmares were par for the course, but unusual ones almost certainly meant trouble.
The dreams became clearer each night. Tara could see faces obscured by mist, familiar silhouettes in deeper patches of shadow, outlines of buildings she thought she recognized. But even as things became easier to distinguish, the severe darkness that marked these dreams remained. Usually, Tara's nightmares were painfully vivid and bright. While it was nice not to have to be confronted with whatever horrors were clearly lurking within her mind every night, the fact that she didn't know what was coming made her even more anxious. Why couldn't her dreams be easy to understand? Why couldn't the messages contained in them be clearer? What was the point, if all she could do was tremble in fear?
The next night, as if in response to her questions, the ambiguity that characterized these dreams disappeared.
Not the darkness. That was still ever-present, no matter where she looked. So much so that to Tara, it felt as though she was in a black-and-white movie. Although, she thought as she walked through the city, it was really more like black-and-gray. There was no white, no light. The sky seemed to darken from the bottom up, in a sort of reverse twilight. That had to have a source, and once upon a time, she would have gone to investigate such a phenomenon. Instead, she looked at the coming darkness with a shudder, and turned to run-
That was worse. There were figured behind her that she had somehow failed to notice while she was walking. Still figures, like statues. It took a moment to realize that she recognized the models, but then, these were people she hadn't thought of in years. Mason Everheart. Kimmie Bennett. Arastoo whatever-his-name-was. The few faces and names she could remember from Barren Pines, their features contorted into expressions of absolute terror. Which fit, given that they had died at the hands of the Negaverse. Tara felt ashamed for not recognizing them right away. They deserved better than a shoddy space in the weak heart of a coward.
Further along she saw Eon and Aries, and that made her start to cry. She knew that there had been no way to save Chronos, all those years ago. She knew that Aries would rather die than abandon her cause. None of that mattered. They had each, in their own way, sacrificed themselves for the greater good. Except so far, the greater good hadn't shown up. All they had bought were the lives of people like her. Tara couldn't help but think that her Prince and her Captain had both been gypped. And even if she wasn't the one who had tricked them, because she benefited from their actions, she was just as responsible for their deaths as the ones who had killed them.
And then, the ones whose deaths would be her fault, when they came. Or had they happened already? These figures didn't move any more than the last batch. In other circumstances, Tara might have been shocked or disbelieving. But she was already sobbing openly. She had known for a long time that it would come to this; that she would lead everyone she cared about into oblivion. It was the only thing she didn't utterly fail at.
She walked between columns of frozen figures, trying not to look at them. As if not looking would make what she saw any less real. But despite her best efforts, she could still see the ones close to her. There was Evie, who looked as if she had been running from something. It had been foolish of Tara to try and repair their relationship, knowing it would only bring destruction about faster. Yvette she had tried to send away, but it didn't do any good. There she was, crouching as though she was trying to hide from something. Or someone. Maybe she knew that Tara had been the cause of all of this. In their last conversation, there had been plenty of hints to point her former friend towards that conclusion. She walked faster, trying to put that meeting- and the promise she had made during it- out of her mind. The figures were thinning out, but she still couldn't help but catch glimpses of those she recognized, even though she hadn't seen them in years. There was Andrea, from school. Aggie and Calintha had survived Barren Pines, only to perish here. And there, standing almost a head above the rest, was a very familiar silhouette. Unable to look at him properly, Tara turned-
- and saw, instead of the innocent, the damned. Fallen warriors who had been doomed from the moment they awakened to their power. The Zodiacs were there, of course. She looked away from Libra, then Taurus, hoping for a safe place to rest her eyes. Instead, she saw Columba, reeling from some sort of blow. She hadn't even been able to save her own family! Tears fell freely, and Tara looked down, only to spot an extremely fluffy cat. Zia knew so much, but even she couldn't know how to stop this. There was no way to stop the inevitable.
And there, the one who had saved her from the youma, whose name she had never gotten. And now he was gone. Behind him, she could see Thraen, reaching out in vain for something, or someone. He had been so clever, so strong. How had he been able to forgive her for what she had done? Would he still do so now, when she was the only one left? The one who had wrought all of this with her incompetence and inaction? And even if he could, would it matter?
She had to get away. Somewhere, anywhere. Tara ran, trying her best to shut out the faces she passed. It was no good. No matter where she looked, they assaulted her mind and heart. Iris, Kallichore, Walküre. Normally she was terrible at remembering names, but she found herself able to recall them perfectly. Perhaps it was so that everything would hurt more. It was easy to mourn nameless masses. Harder when she felt a personal connection to each and every figure she saw.
Trying to get away, she wound up running into one of the statues. A young woman in a long dress. Impractical for battle. It was as if the universe was setting Hvergelmir up for failure. It knew what she had done, and hadn't done, and it wanted to punish her. And what better punishment than forcing her to watch her best friend die? Not that it would happen right away. There would be small losses and little victories, meant to lull her into a false sense of security. Or maybe those would make them fight, driving them against each other. Then, when she thought she had nothing else to lose, there would be someone stronger. There was always someone stronger. And that would be the end. Even if she didn't die, it would be the end.
Finally, Tara couldn't see anything else. Her eyes were too full of tears, and she buried her head in Hvergelmir's shoulder. It was stiff. Not like stone, which she had sort of expected, but something else. "Laney... I'm so sorry." She sobbed and wailed and screamed, cursing the universe for allowing such calamity, and fate for making her the harbinger of it. And she cursed herself, for allowing all of it.
When the darkness swallowed them, there was a moment of peace. An instant where Tara knew that the worst had happened, and there was nothing more to fear.
And then she was awake, shaking all over but not screaming. What little peace she'd had quickly vanished as she realized that it was all a dream. Which meant that the worst had yet to come. Everything that she'd thought and felt had been nothing more than a taste of what awaited her.
"What's the point of a dream like that?" she sniffed, wiping her eyes on the sleeve of her nightshirt. "Why tell me what's coming when I can't do anything about it?"
"Who says you can't do anything about it?"
Of course Exidor was there, standing over her with what seemed like a concerned expression. Like he was every time one of her nightmares woke her up. Because the universe had decided that she wasn't criticized enough by others, and needed to be harassed by her dead past self, or something. "I can't do anything about anything," she told him. "If I could, I would be doing it."
The concern changed into disapproval, as Tara had known it would. "It doesn't work that way. You can't leave everything up to fate. Some things need to start with-"
"So you tell me what to do." Tara sat up and pointed at the ghost. "If you're the one with all the answers, tell me what I'm supposed to be doing. Tell me something real, something that's not just a smug remark or a riddle. And don't give me that BS about having to find the answers on my own. Because I can't do it if I don't know! I can't do anything! I can't... I just can't..."
Even if she knew what to do, could she? Probably not. At heart, Tara was still a scientist. True, she didn't have the sense of wonder that she had once felt was her best feature. Her adventurous spirit was beaten and gagged. And yet, some things still hadn't changed. She could only rely on what data her experiments yielded. And so far, all of the evidence indicated that even given the information she needed and the tools to accomplish the job, she still wouldn't be able to.
"Then what are you doing here?" Exidor asked bluntly.
The answer to that question was something Tara didn't have. Not for lack of looking, and thinking, and asking Exidor, and putting up with his cryptic replies. It seemed like it was trying to hide from her. And maybe it was. Without it, she couldn't move forward, but neither could she justify giving up. In some ways, the fact that she didn't know what she was doing was the only thing that kept her going. As far as she could go, which wasn't very far. It wasn't worth the sacrifices that everyone had made, and would make, for her sake.
But the fact was that those sacrifices had been made. Nothing she did could fix that. Throwing what was left of her life away would be an insult to those who thought she was worth something. "I'll prove them right," she whispered. "Somehow."
Tara repeated those words again and again, in a simple rhythm that eventually lulled her to sleep. As though saying them enough would make her believe them, one day.
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Posted: Mon Jun 02, 2014 6:14 pm
Kent had his suspicions. Two and two were beginning to look like they could make four. But he didn’t have proof yet. And so he continued to follow Tara after her classes, whenever he could make the time. It was the only time that worked. In the mornings- or early afternoons, since she didn’t take early classes when she could help it- she was on her way to school, and wouldn’t have time to do anything unusual. And in school she was, well, in school. He wasn’t about to sit there and make sure she actually attended her classes. He wasn’t a stalker. Really. His intentions were innocent. Good, even. This whole crazy thing was for Tara’s own good.
And honestly, he felt that he would have been justified in making sure she did go to class. When she had been abducted, that was under the pretense of some fancy new school. A couple of years ago she had stopped attending class for several weeks, so that Meadowview had no choice but to expel her. And that time she’d managed to fool him for a good while, acting like nothing was wrong during dinner, claiming she was working on some sort of extra credit project that got her out of the house early. Kent was still kicking himself for believing that one as long as he had. And he couldn’t help but wonder what else he had believed, or still believed, that wasn’t the truth.
Whatever was going on with Tara, it was serious enough that it made her lie about it. Not just avoid the subject, but outright lie. At first, he had been hurt that she felt the need to go to that extent. Now that he had a better of idea of what the situation might be, that didn’t bother him so much. If she was as mixed up in shady dealings as he thought, it only made sense for her to try and keep him out of it. It was actually kind of touching, to know that she cared about him that much.
That didn’t stop him from needing to know the truth for himself. All of it. No matter what the cost was.
He put his newspaper up just in time, as he watched Tara walk past, hunched in her denim jacket and knitted scarf. It was a brisk day for May, which probably made her grumpy. And of course, that she was coming from a final meant that she was tired and restless. More prone to making a mistake, possibly. Kent had stopped counting the number of times he was right on her tail, only to lose her when she went around a corner. It was frustrating, but it made him even more certain that he needed to find out what she was up to, and quickly.
And then what? Once he had the answers that he had put so much effort into searching for, what would he do with it? Kent bumped up against that question every so often, when he felt that he was getting close to the truth. He wasn’t looking for knowledge for knowledge’s sake. It was more important than that. The answers he got would, he hoped, tell him what course of action to take. Because it was painfully clear that he had to do something. And even more painful that he still had no idea what that something was.
Tara was chilly, and grumpy, and tired. That exam had taken every bit of energy she had, and some more on top of that. At least it was done, and she was finished for the year. "And good riddance," she muttered. All she wanted to do was go home and take a long hot shower. Maybe curl up with a good book, or even call it an early night. She was much more tired lately, probably from all of the fighting she did. Most of it against one opponent, who wasn’t with the Negaverse. He wasn’t even alive.
”Your lack of dedication to your duties is really quite shocking.”
“Can it, Exidor,” she grumbled out of the corner of her mouth. The last thing she needed was another lecture from her past self. Or for people to think she was going nuts, because at the moment, she had no argument to the contrary. She looked around furtively, just to make sure nobody saw that she was talking to herself. Fortunately, nobody was looking at her. Except one guy on a bench, folding a newspaper. A very familiar looking guy.
“Kent!?”
Hearing his name, Kent froze. He slowly looked up, seeing exactly what he was afraid of: Tara, staring at him, slack-jawed with shock. “Oh, there you are,” he blurted out. There was a story he’d come up with, something to tell her in case he got caught, but it took him a moment to remember it. “I thought we could go for dinner at Niko’s tonight. Get out of the house a bit, you know. Celebrate finals being over and all. What do you think?”
Tara was too busy thinking about what this meant. It was possible that this was all just a plan to surprise her with a nice dinner. But then, why didn't he say anything until she spotted him? She had been too distracted to notice Kent sitting right there, even when she’d walked right past him. Once she knew he was there, it was so easy to recognize him. His posture, the newspaper, the steel-toed boots again. Just like when he’d been nearby when the clones had attacked. She hadn’t thought about what he was doing there at the time, too busy freaking out over his brush with magic and death. Now, though...
It wasn’t just then, she realized with growing horror. There had been someone reading a paper by the entrance yesterday. And the day before. How long, now? “You’ve been following me.”
“Tara, I-”
“How long?” Tara didn’t want an explanation. She had a pretty good idea of why Kent was following her, and she didn’t want her theory confirmed. All she wanted to know were the facts.
This was a disaster. Kent tried to think of a way to explain, but he knew that Tara wouldn’t listen until she answered him. His voice was calm as he thought back and did the math. “On and off, since October. Not every day or anything, but...”
She didn't hear anything after the word 'October.' It felt like a physical blow. After everything Tara had done to keep Kent away from her senshi life, there he was, trying to walk right into the middle of things. She patrolled most days after school, waiting until she was a safe distance from the campus before transforming. If he had seen her even once, there was nothing she could do to save him.
“What did you see?”
“Nothing. Honestly Tara, all I know is that you’re good at disappearing. But I knew that already.” Even though he was busted, and Tara was (rightfully) angry with him, he had to work that reminder in. All of this was because she left him out of the loop and went off to do potentially dangerous things. It wasn’t his fault that he had to resort to spying to get information.
Tara ignored the dig. “I’ve been keeping you away from this for a reason! It’s dangerous for you to know what I’m doing.” Even disclosing that felt like she had given him too much information. And she still hadn’t gotten over the fact that he had gotten tired of waiting for her to talk and decided to take what he wanted, knowing that she didn’t want to share it. “What happened to respecting my privacy?”
That point, Kent felt, was moot. “I do respect your privacy, but not when I think you might be hurting yourself. You need help, Tara. I’ve done everything I can with what I know, and it’s clearly not enough.” How could she not see how obvious her pain was? If she had been trying to hide even the fact that she was upset, she had been doing a terrible job of it. And if she expected him to let her go on hurting, when there might be something he could do to stop it, she really was crazy.
“What gives you the right to decide that? You’re not Mom or Dad!” At this point, Tara was near hysterics. All of the work she had done to keep Kent safe was, possibly, for nothing. He was about to send her back to live with their parents. There was no way this situation could get any worse.
”For what it’s worth, I think he’s right. You do need help. Yelling won’t change that fact.” Exidor was standing behind Kent, looking at him appraisingly. ”If you won’t listen to me, at least listen to him. It’s clear that he only wants to aid you.”
Now there was no way the situation could get any worse. “I don’t need you butting in, okay?”
“Well, I’ve given you ample opportunity to help yourself. You’re not better, Tara, you’re worse. You keep getting worse, and I can’t help but it feel that it’s my fault for letting you go this long without talking about it.”
”If you didn’t need help, I wouldn’t be here in this capacity. And I am clearly not the only one who can see how badly you need it.”
It felt like Tara was being attacked from two sides. It wasn’t enough that Kent was on the brink of finding out what she was. It wasn’t enough that her past self felt the need to come back from the dead for the sole purpose of finding fault with her. They had to team up against her. The whole world, it seemed, was against her. If she couldn’t trust her family, or even herself, who could she trust?
“Just stop it, both of you!”
Kent opened his mouth to respond, then closed it again, confused. Exidor looked unimpressed with her outburst, but was willing to listen, if only for the moment.
“Just… enough. First him, now you… I can’t take any more. I know that I need help, but there’s nothing that you can do, okay? Nothing that anyone can do.” Tara started to cry, more out of helplessness than sorrow or fear. If she couldn’t keep Kent away from the truth, or earn approval from herself, what good was she? What meaning was there in her life?
The whole thing had exploded in a totally unexpected way. Kent had expected Tara to be angry with him when she found out what he was doing. But this kind of outburst was more than he had been prepared for. It was another piece of evidence that her situation was more serious than he’d initially thought. And what she just said seemed to prove it for sure. “Tara, is someone else watching you? Right now?”
Tara went rigid. Only her eyes moved, to look at Exidor. He also seem startled by the question, and was looking at Kent instead of her. ”Hm. He’s a clever one.”
“Tara, if you’re in trouble, we can figure it out together. I promise, everything will be okay.” It was a promise that Kent had no right to make, but he was worried that if he didn’t try, Tara would just close up even more. “If you don't want to talk to me, go to Dad, or Mom. Or your friends. That's what they're there for! You have to get someone else involved-”
And there was where he made his fatal mistake.
“No one else. Not now, not ever.” Tara gave a short laugh. “They can’t do anything, anyway. Nobody can. Not you, not me. I just wanted to keep you out of this, that was it. And I can't even do that right.” She was stalling, really. Kent was probably seconds away from hauling her in to talk to someone. There was only one choice open to her, and she didn’t want to take it. But if she didn’t now, she never would, and everything would be even more ruined than it already was. “I’m sorry, Kent. Really.”
Then she ran, back towards the school. Kent, in his shock, was a moment too late to catch her arm. He ran after her, his long legs closing the distance between them. But Tara was more familiar with the layout of the school. She ran around the science building, slipping in through the back. This was a shortcut she usually took when she was late to class. There was a restroom right by the staircase, and she ducked in there, her pen in hand.
By the time Kent entered the building, his shoes squeaking on the linoleum, Tara was already gone.
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Posted: Mon Jun 02, 2014 6:18 pm
“You planned this,” Aquarius accused.
She was running across the rooftops, taking the shortest route between HITS and her home. She usually took a less direct way, when she was patrolling. But her time was limited. It wouldn’t take long for Kent to realize what she was doing, and to get back to the apartment. She needed to be in and out before he could get there.
Running effortlessly next to her, Exidor tossed his head haughtily. ”I resent that accusation. This was not what I had in mind at all. If you’ll think back, you’ll remember that I advised you to seek his help. I still have no idea why you didn’t do so.”
“No idea? No idea?” It was safe to say that Aquarius was still hysterical. She stopped running abruptly, which was a bad idea when one was crossing over buildings. Her momentum nearly caused her to fall off the edge of a roof, but she managed to stay upright. “I’ve explained it to everyone. Even you. Even him! This is dangerous, this senshi thing. I don’t want him involved. I mean, would you want your family mixed up in this mess?”
The question seemed to make Exidor think. “I never had to consider that,” he finally said. “The only other senshi on my home planet was Sailor Uranus, and I wasn’t related to her. I barely spoke to her.” There was, Aquarius thought, more to that story that he wasn’t sharing. ”And after I became a senshi, they weren’t my family anymore. Or rather, I wasn’t theirs.”
“Say what?” But before he could explain, Aquarius remembered the vision she had experienced. The explanation that Exidor had given his companion.
That’s how the Zodiac Guard functions. You’re not allowed to have another life. The post becomes your everything.
In order for that to happen, the person I was before had to die.
“Oh my god.” Aquarius fell to her hands and knees, too stunned to notice Exidor’s concerned expression. Finally, she understood everything. The reason her life had been so hard since her awakening. Why it had felt natural to give up the activities she loved, if it meant securing her safety. Even the reason she had been murdered by the Negaverse. Sure, they wanted her dead, but there was more to it than that. She’d had to die, to be reborn as Aquarius. Except she had been unable to let go of Tara Kavanaugh, unwilling to accept her death.
Exidor wasn’t the problem. She was the real ghost in this situation, clinging to life when it had ended long ago.
The realization brought her no joy. Instead, it ushered in a hushed sort of resolve. Aquarius remembered this too, from when Exidor had explained himself. It wasn’t that he enjoyed being Aquarius- because really, who would?- but that he had come to make the most of his role. He had been only able to do that by fully releasing the person he had been before he was awakened. This, she was certain, was what he had been trying to tell her all along. Now it was her turn to complete her rebirth, by letting Tara find peace at last.
This was what she had been meant to do all along. No wonder her past self had been so frustrated with her. Aquarius pushed herself up off the cold concrete roof, swaying a little as she stood up. “I understand now.” Her voice was blank, in a way that mirrored Exidor’s apparent lack of interest in anything. She pushed the part of her mind that was screaming at herself that this wasn’t the answer into a corner, and ignoring it with the skill she had developed over the years. This was the right solution, the only solution. She didn’t need to doubt herself anymore.
”Do you, now?” Exidor didn’t look convinced. In fact, he looked worried. It was a strange expression on his usually confident face.
“I’ll let it all go,” she answered. “The post will be my everything. I will finish what you started, and uphold our duty.”
If anything, that made Exidor look even more concerned. ”I think you may have misinterpreted-”
“No, this is the only answer that makes sense.” Aquarius looked around, as if snapping out of a trance. “How much time have I lost? I still need to get back before Kent does.” She began running again, stumbling once or twice, but quickly picking up her former pace.
Relaxing a little, Exidor ran after her. “Yes. Good. Talking things out will help.”
Aquarius looked at him quizzically. “There won’t be any talking. I just need to pick up some things so I don’t starve. I’d rather not deal with Tara’s brother if I don’t have to.” Her heart pounded, but she kept moving. “I owe her that much.”
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Posted: Mon Jun 02, 2014 6:19 pm
It was the work of minutes to empty most of the contents of the kitchen cabinets into an enormous duffel bag that Kent used for trips to the bulk warehouse he visited every month. Aquarius didn’t bother with the fridge, since whatever was there would spoil quickly. Instead, she stuck with canned goods: more ravioli, vegetables, beans, fruit cocktail. There were several cans of frosting that she tossed in, along with a few boxes of cake mix and cornmeal, and a container of oats. Kent had both powdered milk and powdered eggs, in case of emergency. There was even a canister of powdered mashed potatoes, though those were Tara’s, for when she was too lazy to make a real effort. Which was most of the time.
Then, the bedroom. Most of the things there would be useless where she was going, but she did take some of her equipment. Blood typing kit, plastic test tubes, a box of slides. The microscope was electrical, and so it wouldn’t do any good. She looked longingly at her telescope, but knew that it would never fit. The plants would probably die if she tried to bring them to space. The fish- no, Kent would take care of those. Her kit was important, though. Lying flat on her stomach, she reached under the bed and pulled out the messenger bag that she took on patrol with her, and put it on the top of the bag. As a last, almost unconscious thought, she grabbed the remains of her broken jewelry box and stuffed them down the side. The duffel zipped up, but only barely.
Exidor hovered behind her, evidently distressed. ”I cannot support this decision. You are taking my answer, without doing any of the work for it.”
“But if you are me, then I’ve already done the work.” Exidor had no answer to that, and Aquarius smiled, thrilled to have won for once. “Isn’t this what you were pushing me towards all along? So what does it matter how I got here?”
”No, I- I mean, yes, but- this is not what you should be doing!” He actually sounded frantic, and tried to seize Aquarius physically, but she simply stepped out of the way and continued packing. ”And what of your family? Are you just going to leave them in the dark as you disappear?”
Her smile faded. She didn’t like the idea of Kent thinking that he had driven her away. He had merely helped her stumble on the obvious conclusion. While it would have been nice to live in ignorance a while longer, he’d really helped her out. She did owe him an explanation. Not a full one- she still didn’t want him to get involved, if that was possible- but enough to ease his mind. Then he could explain to Tara’s family, and all would be well.
The desk in her room was still cluttered. Aquarius sat at it, pulling a notebook out from a stack of identical ones and opening to a clean sheet of paper. This would take delicate phrasing…
~*~
It was more than an hour after their altercation outside of HITS when Kent finally got home. He had no idea if Tara was going to be there. If she was, he didn’t want to scare her off, so he tested the doorknob. The front door was ajar, which was a worrying sign. As quietly as he could, he crept in.
The first thing he noticed was the total mess in the kitchen. Cabinets were open and half-empty. Some boxes had spilled, leaving powdery trails on the counters and floor. Tara was stocking up for something. Was she planning to hide in the wilderness? Was she afraid that he’d find her if she stayed nearby? Was she that afraid of him, now?
A familiar clattering noise came from Tara’s bedroom. The office chair, rolling on the plastic carpet cover. She was in there, for the moment. Kent let out the breath he had been holding. He wasn’t too late after all. As long as he explained, and listened, he could still fix this.
~*~
Three notes. One for Kent, one for the parents, and one for Evie and Dana. Each one fairly similar, offering apologies and assurances that she would be okay. Each one with a unique postscript. This was key for the last of the notes. Dana was a senshi, which meant that she would need all the help she could get. Aquarius couldn't abandon her, but she knew the notes would hardly be private. The best she could do was offer a clue as to her whereabouts. If Dana had been at the Surrounding, as she claimed, maybe it would be enough.
There was more that she wanted to write, people she felt she owed some sort of goodbye to. Laney- no, Laney would figure things out. Laney was a knight, and while that was a terrible thing, it meant that there was a chance they could still be friends. Yvette was another story. Tara had promised she would fix things and find her, and now that would never happen. But the thought of writing a final note to Yvette was painful, and so she put down the pen. Better for everyone else to have a clean break, she decided. And better for her as well.
Clutching the notes, Aquarius strode out of the room. She would leave them on the kitchen table, and that would be that.
“Tara? No, it’s- what are you doing here?”
Kent was there, standing in the middle of the living room, looking totally shocked. Aquarius couldn’t blame him. She was pretty surprised herself, and she wasn’t the one who came home to find a total stranger- and a terrorist to boot- in her house. She gaped at him for a moment, tempted to tell him everything. Then her resolve hardened, and she ran back into Tara’s room and locked the door.
~*~
It wasn’t Tara, unless Tara was hiding in her room. It was a terrorist. And not just any terrorist, but the one that had saved him a few weeks ago. He had clearly caught her by surprise, which didn’t do much to level the playing field. What on earth was she doing there? Did she know Tara?
That seemed to be the case, since she ran back into Tara’s room. Kent could hear the sound of the lock turning in the door. Without even thinking about it, he reached into his pocket and pulled out the key that he’d started to keep on him after their first argument. In a moment, the door was unlocked, and he was in.
The girl was sitting on the bed, the strap of a duffel bag- his duffel bag, he noticed dully- wound around her wrist. She had a cell phone in her hand, and was desperately trying to dial. Tara was nowhere to be seen. This room had been ransacked too, boxes turned on their sides, others missing altogether. The contents were probably in the bag. But why would a terrorist be taking Tara’s things?
“Do you know Tara?” he asked, taking a few steps into the room.
The girl looked up at him, panic-stricken features easing as she thought about his question. And why would she need to think about it? he wondered. “Tara asked me to give these to you,” she said finally, handing him a stack of folded papers. “And to tell you she’s sorry.”
~*~
The question gave Aquarius the perfect opening. She could claim to be sent by Tara to deliver a message, and fetch her things. Which wasn’t too far from the truth, really. While she could never blot out the knowledge that Kent had of terrorists and attacks, she could at least mask the fact that Aquarius and Tara Kavanaugh had been the same person.
”Is that all you’re going to tell him?” Exidor demanded angrily. ”If you’re trying to cut ties, you’re doing a terrible job of it. He’ll look for you, and then what?”
As usual, the past guy had a point. “Tara’s going to be fine,” she said, hoping to sound reassuring. It wasn’t a lie. Now that she was allowed to rest, Tara would finally be free from her nightmares. “I’ll take care of her. You don’t need to worry. But please, for your own sake, don’t get involved.” She gulped as she spoke. “Please.”
Kent’s head jerked up at that, but he didn’t speak. Probably, Aquarius thought, he was wondering what to say.
~*~
That phrase was so familiar. This girl had said something similar the first time they met. But more than that, Tara had said almost the exact same thing earlier. Their goal, both of them, was to keep Kent out of this. Why would a random terrorist care so much? Even if she was friends with Tara, it was unlikely that she would go to this extent, to reveal herself to a stranger just to deliver a message. The only one he could think of who would risk herself in this way, just to pass on a warning, was Tara herself.
Kent’s eyes widened. Of course. That would explain everything, if it was possible. If it had been her all along. That was how she kept disappearing whenever he tried to follow her. It was the reason she had attacked his doppelganger before it had a chance to attack him. If it was the truth, it solved all of the riddles, and introduced dozens more. How had this happened? What did it all mean?
He looked at her, as she was doing something with her phone. She didn’t look like Tara, not really. But she sat in the same way, with the balls of her feet on the floor and her heels lifted. And there- she tugged on her braid, just like Tara did when she was nervous. A terrorist would never know to copy that, even if they had reason to. How had he not noticed that before? What kind of guardian was he, to allow himself to be misled so fully?
In that moment, as crazy as it sounded, he felt that it really was Tara in front of him. That meant that he had one last chance to get this right.
~*~
It was hard to tune into the song of the Outpost with Kent staring at her. Exidor was staring too, but thankfully he wasn’t talking. She could almost hear the first notes-
“Please, wait.” Kent was speaking, clouding her focus. “I know that you- that Tara’s afraid. But maybe you and I can come to some kind of arrangement. We can work things out, I know we can.”
“No,” Aquarius replied, trying to tune him out. “This is the way it has to be.”
Kent pounded the desk with his fist. “The hell it is! If you think I’ll let it end this way, you’re wrong. I can fix this. I will fix this. I promise.”
There it was, calling her home. Aquarius spared one moment to look at Kent. She didn’t know if her note would help. Maybe nothing would. But staying would solve nothing. At least when she was gone, she wouldn’t endanger anyone anymore. Kent would get over Tara eventually, and go on to change the world in his own way. Everyone would move on. That was the way that things worked, for people other than her.
~*~
For a moment, Kent thought that his words had finally gotten through to her. At least, the girl- Tara, he reminded himself, that might be Tara in there- stopped fiddling with her phone. She stood, carefully, standing on her tiptoes. Her balance was better than Tara’s was. Maybe that was one of her superpowers. Funny, the things he noticed when he was near despair.
“Tara would want you to have this.” She leaned forward as far as she could, tethered as she was by the duffel’s strap, and quickly kissed him on the cheek. Even more quickly than Tara usually did, when she was moved enough to show her affection beyond a hi-five or a tackle. “I’m sorry.”
Kent reached out for her, as she withdrew, but something about her expression made him refrain from grabbing her just yet. “I won’t let you leave,” he warned. If she wouldn’t listen, he just needed to keep her there until he figured out how to get through to her. Not that he knew how to stop someone with superhuman strength from leaving. She could probably incapacitate him without an effort. He could only hope that she wouldn’t be able to bring herself to do that.
~*~
Her eyes were tearing up. Probably because she hadn’t be able to fully let Tara go just yet. And even if she had, it would be hard to watch impassively. He was so desperate to keep her from leaving, but that would only make matters worse. The song of the Outpost echoed in her ears, and she knew what she had to do.
“I’m sorry,” Aquarius repeated once more. Her thumb brushed against the “home” key on her phone. Before Kent could move, she was gone.
~*~
Kent blinked, to make sure his eyes weren’t playing tricks on him. Sure enough, he was the only one left in the room. Even the duffel bag was gone. He looked around while his brain processed this information. Finally, when he was convinced, he sat down on Tara’s bed, hard. He had completely failed. As a brother, as a guardian, as a friend. He crumpled the notes in his hand as he clenched his fists. He couldn’t even blame Tara for this. It was all his fault, stumbling through her life and making an even bigger mess of things.
What was he going to tell their parents? Their family? How would anyone forgive him for letting her go again? Not that he would ever be able to forgive himself. Tara was gone because of him.
“No!” he shouted, pounding the bed with both fists. “It’s not ending here. I won’t let it!”
Tara was still alive, somewhere, as someone. There was still a chance to fix things. And this time, Kent was determined to make good on his promise.
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Posted: Mon Jun 02, 2014 6:36 pm
A Captive of Fate[Aquarius + Exidor] Aquarius tries to settle into an old and dusty role.
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Posted: Fri Jul 11, 2014 3:46 pm
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Posted: Fri Jul 11, 2014 3:48 pm
Late Return[Aquarius + Camelot] A detour for brain food gives Aquarius' brain a bit more than it can handle.
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Posted: Fri Jul 11, 2014 3:49 pm
The duffel bag was heavier now, with the books that Aquarius had promised to return. Already she was imagining the sort of help they would be to her work in translation and experimentation. There were also a few novels in the bag, a couple of old favorites and some that she'd been wanting to read. This, she felt, was justified due to their small size and light weight; all of them took up less than half the space that the reference books occupied. And even with her bounty shifting around the bottom of the bag, there was more than enough room for food.
Her stomach growled, and she made a face. "Shhh. I'm working on it."
"Are you now?" Even Exidor was starting to look a little fuzzy to her, and she had to brace herself against the buildings she passed every so often or risk face-faulting. Talking to him required energy she simply did not have.
"Ah, I see. You would rather speak to your vital organs than to someone trying to offer you aid."
That startled a laugh out of her- what aid was he claiming to offer?- but otherwise she remained silent. Regardless of what he might have thought, she was trying to figure the situation out. It was just more difficult than what he may have believed, and she had very few options open to her.
Tara was dead. And even if she wasn't, Tara was definitely broke. She had left the time in her life where she got a regular allowance behind, instead asking Kent for funds when she needed them. Which wasn't any more grown up than getting paid to do chores, but it was what it was. As her participation in the outside world diminished, the money she kept on hand dwindled. Even if she let her henshin go, she wouldn't have more than a couple of dollars on her. Not enough to buy enough food to last her, which saved her from the choice she didn't want to make, but demanded another in its place.
Going home was too dangerous. Kent might be there, and she couldn't handle another confrontation with him. Her heart still ached at the memory of their last meeting, and what that had to have done to him. She could ignore it (mostly) in space, but at home-
No. That place was not her home anymore. Her home was thousands of miles away, on the edge of everything. This was a trip into town for groceries, and once she was done, she would go back and do... the same things she had done for the past two weeks. Things she was already tired of. That she would be doing for the rest of her life, however long or short that wound up being.
Exidor chuckled. "My, what a lovely picture you're painting for yourself."
She had to ignore him. She had to ignore herself. Being in space would not be any less lively than being on Earth. Hadn't she existed just fine after closing herself off? She had been no more social in her final days of being Tara than she had been in her weeks in space. It was just an adjustment. There was no internet up there, which deprived her of her primary research tool and time-waster. Not having it sucked, but it wasn't the end of the world. People had existed for centuries without the internet. She would just have to do whatever they did.
"They turned to each other for assistance and diversions." The ghost bent over her as she fell against a building. "A fine thought- but you won't pursue it, will you?"
Aquarius shook her head dizzily. No, she couldn't turn to anyone else. Other people could turn to her if they had to, but if she reached out to anyone, it would only put them in more danger.
He clucked his tongue disapprovingly, but didn't pursue that topic further. "Find yourself something to eat."
Something about the way he said that sparked a new idea, but it was quickly dismissed. Even though scavenging sounded nice in that nobody would be hurt by her actions, it would take forever, and she would probably pass out before then. There was also the fact that the thought of dumpster diving made her stomach churn. Or maybe it was churning already, from sheer emptiness.
If she couldn't buy food, or find food, that left only one door open to her. She would have to steal it. Not something she ever would have expected to do, but this was a desperate time, and it called for desperate measures. It was steal or starve, and the latter was not an option.
There was a deli on the corner, closed for the night like almost everything else in the neighborhood. She managed to shuffle over to it and peered in one of the windows. Her mouth watered as she saw the shelves stocked with things like cookies and chips and canned goods. But she could also see that it was small- probably a family-owned store. If it was burglarized, there would be serious repercussions for the owners. Even to eat, she couldn't harm others to that extent.
She needed a soulless non-entity to steal from. Fortunately for her, one existed not too far away. There were always rumors flying about the supermarket chain called Southern Poultry. Some people claimed it was a front for the mob. Others said that people who went in sometimes didn't come out. And a small, fringe group insisted that it had been established by aliens, which had perked Aquarius' interest for a while- it explained the lack of variety in their tinfoil selection- but like everything else in her life, her passion for discovering signs of life in the universe had faded as her fear overtook it.
Aliens, mobsters, or normal corporation, Southern Poultry wouldn't be devastated by one incident of petty theft. And maybe a little B&E, depending on their security.
"And if you do this now, how will you handle it next time? You're setting precedent for the rest of your life now. Will you find excuses to rob innocent people every time you need more food?"
"You've always got to have a point, don't you?" And when he did, he was very hard to ignore, even with the amount of practice she had at it.
Exidor shrugged. "It's what I'm here for."
Lucky her. "I'll figure out next time next time. You're the one who told me to make sure I don't keel over first. So shut up and leave me to it." She waited for a moment, smiling with grim satisfaction when he offered no further resistance. Now it was just a battle between her and the supermarket.
Unlike the library, Southern Poultry had no secret senshi entrances, and there were no surprise allies waiting for her there. That would be too easy, she supposed. If she was going to make a hard choice, the universe would make her see it through to the end. "Fine. Be that way. See if I care."
She had been to this store before, once or twice. Enough to have a vague recollection of where things were. This was important, since once she broke in, she'd have a few moments at most before whatever security features were involved summoned guards- or worse, police officers- to the scene of the crime. Because she was about to commit a crime. The hero was going to become the villain, or at least take one step down that path.
And yet, the movie playing in her head wasn't of her running for her life, or wearing an orange jumpsuit behind bars. Instead, she was remembering a show she had sometimes watched with her brother- no, with Tara's brother. A silly game show where people had to run through a supermarket, trying to load their carts up with as much expensive stuff as possible in a limited amount of time. Except in her case, she had to get as much useful stuff as she could, and she couldn't be sure just how much time she would have.
Taking a few deep breaths to clear some of the haze in her head, Aquarius touched the brick wall of the building gently. "Energy Equivalence." Her body shifted, taking on more weight, which she threw at the plate glass window. She flinched as shards scratched her skin, but thanks to her power, she was mainly unhurt. Once inside, she dismissed the magic and began to run.
Later, the whole thing would seem like a blur to her. She would remember a burst of adrenaline as the alarm system kicked in, which propelled her down the aisles at speeds she wouldn't have thought herself capable of in her weakened condition. Bits of labels flashed through her vision as she tipped boxes and cans into her giant bag, barely paying attention to what ended up there. There were granola bars, she knew, and more frosting, and some of her much-missed tea, though she had no idea what kind she was cramming into the corners of the duffel. Everything bounced around, but there had been no time to pack carefully. After she hit the canned goods aisle, the bag became too heavy for her to carry, and she had to resort to dragging it. There was still more she wanted: pasta, crackers, maybe even some cheese-
A siren sounded outside, cutting through the shrieking of the alarm. Aquarius stopped in her tracks, her cell phone appearing in her hand, while the other was tangled in the long strap of her bag. It was hard to focus on the song of space with the shrillness of the alarms and sirens. Every time she thought she had it, another noise would be added to the cacophony. People yelled outside. Footsteps sounded. They would catch her any minute, bring her in. She would betray all of the senshi, and just because she was hungry. Tears came to her eyes as she jabbed the HOME button repeatedly, praying for it to work.
"Focus. If you're thinking about something else, it won't work.
"I don't have time!" she hissed, her non-voice cracking under the pressure. "If they catch me-" The police would learn about the senshi. Scientists who were less morally-inclined than she was would dissect her. Not that she could really talk about morality, since she was about to be caught red-handed in the act of theft.
"Focus!" Exidor repeated, stepping close enough to Aquarius that if he were solid, their foreheads might be touching. "Forget everything else, and tell me where you want to go."
The footsteps were getting closer, faster. Aquarius choked down a sob, but tried to listen. "I... I want to go back... home."
There was still nothing, and for a split second, she knew why. Space wasn't home to her. Not yet. Home was still a small apartment on the seventh floor, with two bedrooms and just one tiny bathroom. Home was where Tara had lived with her brother and three fish and occasional visits from friends and family. The Surrounding was important, and it was hers, but it wasn't home. Part of her wondered if it would ever be home.
"I want to go back to work," she said instead. "Up there. Please."
A chiming note went off in her head, making her eyes go wide and her thumb mash the HOME button one more time. Moments before the guards rounded the corner of the aisle, they were both gone. The duffel full of food was gone. All that was left was the evidence of the virtual tornado that had gone through the store, knocking merchandise off of walls, causing cans to leak and produce to squash. It was impossible to tell what was missing with all of the mess, and there was much more that was ruined than outright gone. It was a hit to Southern Poultry, but not a particularly damaging one, much like Aquarius had suspected.
The moment the thief landed at the gates, she ripped open a box of granola bars and crammed a whole one into her mouth. Chewing and swallowing it was almost harder than obtaining her ill-gotten groceries, and the bar sat like a lump in her empty stomach. There was no way she could lug everything back to the Outpost. Instead, she lay down, using her bag as a pillow, and promised herself it wouldn't come to that again.
Her revelation about home was buried under the weight of her crimes, not to resurface for quite some time.
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Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2014 5:22 pm
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Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2014 5:25 pm
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Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2014 5:28 pm
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Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2014 5:30 pm
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Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2014 5:31 pm
The Eye of the Storm[Aquarius + Nazca + Pharos] More knights pay a visit to the Outpost, for reasons Aquarius can't quite figure out.
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