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 Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2012 8:51 pm
To Clarify
Kizoku Hari Naomi is Transgender. He was assigned female at birth, however identifies as MALE. To emphasize this, he binds his chest, and occasionally will pack to make sure people know to call him a boy, as he has not yet undergone surgeryName: Kizoku Hari Naomi Nickname: 'Ri, Han Age: 18 Birthday: November 5 Sign: Scorpio Gemstone: Citrine Quartz Blood Type: AB + Fav. Food: Either his Obaa-san's Onigiri or his mother's Bangers and Mash. It's a toss-up. Hated Food: Anything with tomato! He REALLY hates tomatoes. School: St-Magsdalena's Seminary (Though he has since dropped out, and attained a GED) Hobbies: RPG Gaming :: Though he's partial to the RPGs on consoles, and loves just lounging on his couch and playing a good video game....Hari's in love with Tabletop gaming as well. He plays a few D&D campaigns here and there, and after he met a certain someone, his interest only became more...intense. Though he's never had a particular site at which he's found himself sucked into the D&D world, Hari recently has started to go to a local game shop, curious as to what sort of campaign madness he might get himself into.... Football :: When he and his father sat down to watch this strange American Sport, it was bonding time for the both of them. Now older, he enjoys tossing the old pigskin around in the park with the guys, sometimes playing tackle for the hell of it. Now, he does still occasionally watch the games with his Dad, since it's almost like tradition, especially on Thanksgiving day. The fun part about the Kizoku family is that neither Hari, nor his father tends to root for any one team. You can hear them screaming their delight over tackles, and see them wincing for any-which team that may be playing. It's chaotic and silly, but they love it. When his father's not in town to watch with him, Hari makes the habit of going to sports bars for lunch to catch the latest game in his own way, quietly studying it for moves he might be able to use in his 'casual' games against his friends. As far as Pro or College, they generally tend to watch both, though Hari has a penchant for the rough-and-tumble College games. Occasionally, he'll go out to watch a college game with his dad, or just spend his time staring at the Television while the other games are on, but his favourite games are the no-holds-barred ones that happen in the off-site locations. He loves the fact that people put their passions into these aggressive games that end up being a great way to make friends and relieve stress!Meditation/Relaxation :: As much as he loves being active and doing things, one of his favourite hobbies is lounging around at home and doing nothing, or maybe being out on a date and doing nothing! One way or the other, laying back and just letting the clouds pass by is something he greatly enjoys. Often, Hari takes this as time to think over things. Most often, one can catch Hari in the middle of the park, laying back on a bench under a tree, and watching the light filter through the leaves. If not there, on top of a random, grassy knoll, there to watch the clouds. And when it's raining? Hari can be found inside of the local cafe, just sitting at the window table, watching the rain fall from the sky, zoning out, his mind away from everything else. Generally, he does it when there's something bothering him, usually something to do with his mother, or his current group of friends, or hell, sometimes even his obaa-san. He reflects on everything. Life, where his is going, his gender issues, sports, gaming, you name something that this one might think about, it's probably crossed his mind. Then there are the days that he's doing it just to get out, lay back and watch the clouds. This is a way for him to just relax, let go, and just let his mind drift over nothing in particular. Virtues: //Honest// If nothing else, one of the best traits about Hari, is that ling to another will often be a rare occurence. He's always been straightforwards with himself, and others, and really disllikes the very idea of going around someone's back. Sure, this means that he can get himself in a good bit of trouble, especially when blunt honesty goes to far. However, Hari believes that first and foremost, Lying to people is wrong. Better to break it now, than to deal with the repercussions of sugar-coating later, which he believes to be much worse. If someone is hurt by his honesty, Hari is often careful, and will back off to give them space. At least until they approach him to allow him to make amends for what he's done wrong! The way Hari looks at this trait is that it really is because he cares very deeply for people, and respects them too much to allow himself to keep things from them. His honesty is a gift, one that people who know the boy well can come to appreciate. There are some people who will ask his advice with the clear knowledge that the boy doesn't lie, and in that, Hari takes solace, and will offer his unbiased opinion freely. This can sometimes make him a good shoulder to lean on if you're looking for a direct opinion on your situation.//Even-Tempered// He also seems to be able to keep it together well. He never really overreacts, usually keeping insanely calm. He seems to be the sort to never really bother with the insane emotion, because overreacting can be so draining. He tends to be able to hold himself to a standard of calm, despite a lot of what goes on in daily life. Honestly, it's likely because Hari can be quite lazy when it comes down to it, but at the same time, he's not without a temper. Until such time as it's brought to face, however, he can often be seen as the sort to just stare at you. Due to his tendency towards calm over reaction, however, it's very rare to see the temper that he does have. It's more of a building, that takes quite a bit of time to show. Occasionally, people will come to the young man as a mediator. His level-head makes it easy to sort through the things he's told, and give a hand to any who speaks.//Brave// Very brave, he will often let something go without him jumping in. Hell, he's kinda known for it. Hari is very keen on jumping headfirst into trouble to save someone. If you're scared of even a bug, he'll scoop it up and take it outside for you. Of course, bravery can become quite reckless at times, and he actually has taken the hard brunt of it before. It had to do with family matters, something he stepped in and took the brunt of for his father, leaving him with a scar that none can see. Most, though they do appreciate the setiment, would likely not appreciate Hari's form of bravery. He tends to jump straight in, without thinking. Whether you can handle it or not, he sees someone who needs help, and he helps them. He doesn't really think about it, nor does he think about MANY things. While this is an impulse behavior, it's one that offers a fearless savior in unlikely times! Hari is definitely the sort to be the first into situations where others would be frightened. Mice, bugs, stray birds, none of those things phase him. It ties in to his even temper, he supposes. He follows his gut without a moment's hesitation.Flaws: //Idle// He's also very lazy. As much as he likes getting out with people, he likes sitting back and laying about. It's hard to get Hari out of bed in the morning, because he's often so intent on sleeping as long as he can. Only one person can get this boy out of bed with ease, because he'll jump through hoops for her. Though he will willingly get out of bed to go play a good game of DnD or football with the guys, it's not often he's willing to put in the effort to go beyond what is routine in said situations. It frustrates people, since there's never much of a change from his Norm, since Hari is quite content to sit back, relax, and stick himself right back in that neat little pile of self that he's made. He's been known to be late to events, either from over-sleeping, or from just plain not wanting to get up from the couch. His mind is more geared towards letting him laze about, than immediately jump to his feet. Though he does tend to be more active when interested in an activity, you can bet on Hari being at least 5 to 10 minutes late....every time.However, when another is in trouble, this trait seems to be thrown out the window. His first instinct is to protect those that need it, likely because of how his mother raised him to think. It's one of the only reasons that this boy will get off the couch and act.//Posessive// The problem is, he's quite jealous, Be it over his very close friends, the things he owns, or the person he loves, Hari can often come across as a jerk of a person when he feels like what's "His" is being taken from him. It's unusual for him to show this side around many others. He doesn't deal well with loss, and 'coping' comes in the form of burying himself in his room, and not coming out. Either that, or trying his hardest to get it back. He does tend to jump the gun when it comes to silly little things. In making a bad joke, or monopolizing the time of those he cares about, he becomes extremely irritable. It usually is shown in the way he snaps out at them, usually by getting snippy, and sometimes becoming passive-aggressive, should another get too close to him whilst in this mood. He's never lost a friend due to this yet....but things happen. Sometimes, if people get to his good side, his possession extends to them as well. He has a tendency towards being snide if other people spend more time with them than he does. It's a really bad habit sometimes, especially since he'll end up sulking about that too, after moving off to sit alone for a few hours...His friends are victims of this nature, as are the things he owns in his home. Touch them without his permission, or monopolize their time, and he'll often get angry, usually issuing ultimatums to his friends to spend time closer to him. If it's his girlfriend, it's the person that's taking his time with her, and with his things? Just...Don't. If this trait's fruit is brought to bear, it can often be noticed because Hari will become distant from the person that managed to cross the line. He won't speak to them, and will often simply offer a cold look if he feels as though they've wronged him. It takes quite a bit for this mentality to wear off, especially if you're one of HIS people that's managed to wrong him.
//Blunt//The worst part about Hari's honesty is that it goes VERY far. Beyond the realm of acceptable, and into the realm of brutal. His honesty can be lined up as being far too direct, and leaves people wondering just why he was so willing to 'give it to them straight' to begin with! This directness can be a bit shocking, and the fact that he seems to give no regard to the abrasive nature of his speech is very annoying at times. If you ask the boy if you don't look good in something, before those little white lies, he'll likely just tell you "Yes." And it is NOT a good idea to ask him about fashion, because he's overly aggressive about that aspect especially. PHYSICAL DESCRIPTION Eyes: Pale violet eyes, with a touch of silver around the pupil that seems to come from his mother's side. He has a mostly normal almond shape to them, though thanks to his father's side, they turn up a bit at the corners. Usually, they are very calm and bland, not much expressing going on. Hair: Usually kept cropped short, no more than 1.5" from his head at any given time, he sometimes spikes his hair back out of his face. His bangs are a bit longer, framing his face in a sweep towards the right. The color is a soft ebony, though he's streaked it with a bit of blond in the bang area. Face: His body is very much the toned and athletic sort. Toned around the waist, with thinner hips, and long arms and legs, he seems the sort to be a swimmer. His shoulders are a bit more broad, though he has an elegant neck, with a slightly more angular, masculine facial structure. Weight is guessed to be around 145 lbs. Skin tone is a pretty mix of his father's Japanese descent and his mother's pale peach. Clothes: Hari's coloring usually seems to stick around black, whites, and silvers, as those are his preferred tones, though sometimes he'll toss in a bit of gold or purple. Usually, his fashion style is a bit more V-Kei, as that was what his dad introduced him to, when he was young. Though his 'obaa-san' and his mother aren't too fond of it, he thinks it looks great....especially when he has almost no chest to bother him [x][x][x]
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Posted: Sun Mar 11, 2012 9:04 pm
Knight Title: Muspellsheimr Page Challenge: By My hand, I shall protect Mars! Uniform: Top -- A white, scoop necked shirt, with no sleeves, the edges of the shoulders, and the bottom of which are designed with black and gold swirling squares (see ref for design) Bottoms -- A white, skirt-like bottom, Gloves -- N/A Belt -- Leather wrapped about the waist, with strips falling from it, in black (See ref) Shoes -- Black sandals that are cross-strapped. Shoulders -- N/A Accessories -- A golden circlet, with a dangling piece of pyrope (garnet) A dark red sash that slides across his shoulder, and wraps about the belt Weapon -- Weapons: Page - A small, thin stick that is shaped much like a wand, with a thinner point, and thicker base. It's a simple thing, made from white ash. Squire- A Bo staff, white ash in wood type, with a slightly ornate carving of a dragon working up it. Magic- The magic at this stage s very simple, a boost of morale for the teammate at which the magic is aimed. It makes them feel as though they can do anything! Duration 25 seconds Usage Must be focused on the ability! Range2 feet Knight- A slightly thicker ash-wood pole, with the carvings more ornate of twin dragons twining up the staff, detailed with hints of gold at the heads. Magic- Similar to the first, with a longer duration. During his Knighthood, Hari will be able to use this magic on himself. Hari knocks the butt of the staff on the ground, and any allies in the area, including himself are given a boost! Duration 45-50 seconds Usage Must be focused on the ability! Range4 feet Side Note: I would like, if at all possible, for Hari's knight form to be male. To put it simply, Hari is FTM Transgender, pre-op. I'd be very happy if he'd be able to be 'himself' in his powered form.
.jpg]Ref idea here.
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Posted: Fri Jul 20, 2012 11:15 pm
Hi, welcome to the shop~ =D
I was taking a look at your quest since the name caught my attention and I was curious as to what you were questing for. As I was reading over the quest I've found I may have a few suggestions that might be of some use, at least I hope they are~.
One of my suggestions, is perhaps consider moving the small disclaimer at the bottom of Ri's profile, actually up to the top and in the profile post for Ri. This way when you're writing for her/him you can pick a gender word and use it constantly. I believe this would cut down on some of the confusion some readers may have with the profile (And I do apologize I happened to be a little confused trying to read the profile for the first time and found myself questioning the character's gender since the disclaimer wasn't posted at the top. So while I cannot speak directly for others, the confusion may happen with other readers, which is why I wanted to make a mention this).
Also, I actually have a question, what nationality is Hari/Ri/Han? (er which country does he get his asian half from?) I see some words that may indicate a nationality but I don't want to assume anything. =3
Anyways for some actual crit suggestions I found I'd like to mention the following for your consideration:
When I was reading Rei's hobbies, I found the hobby 'doing nothing' reads almost busy-like and kind of jumpy in structure.... I'm not sure if it's all the different locations that have been written in.... as I count at least 6 different places/things mentioned... I almost feel like this makes it a confusing and honestly a little bit of a weak hobby... and again this is just a suggestion, but maybe consider these questions to help with writing the hobby: Why does she/he like doing nothing? Is it because she/he just needs time to relax? Or is just time to think? Maybe just briefly mention where her/his favorite place is when she/he's doing this hobby (try to limit it to one or two places instead of a lot of them)? Is this a hobby she/he can do with others? If so maybe go into one way Ri interacts with another character through this hobby.
Also, with virtues I'm kind of a bit wobbling on this.... there's some really great points here. However, as I continue to read each one and actually re-read it (because I want to make sure it's not me reading them wrong) there are moments closer to the ends of them where they start to sound like really strong flaws instead of virtues.
An example of what I'm speaking about is the even-tempered virtue. It starts off very well, but instead of mentioning how it helps Ri the description dips into what's considered a flaw. His/her explosiveness. I know a person can have both, but when it comes to being a virtue I suggest leaving something as extreme as blowing up as a bridge to a flaw that comes later in the profile.
For virtues (and even flaws) it may be useful to consider how it affects the character in every day life, does it help them or hinder them? Is there a reason they act this way, like maybe it's a learned trait from someone else, or something that's been expected of them? (I can probably come up with more questions if there's a need for them and/or if they're found to be useful.)
The virtue brave and the flaw reckless almost have what I'm talking about going on. For Brave though, I would like to suggest making it more positive showing the good things that come from this and then bridge at the end with something akin to "However, just because he is brave doesn't mean he can't be reckless with it..." and continue in the bottom with how his bravery ties into his recklessness.
Also, I see where you've tied the reckless flaw to his laziness trait and it's a very good way to do such tying in. Personally, I have found it makes those traits feel a little stronger because there's a show of how they work together. Bridging and tying each trait into another that they work well with, seems to create a more rounded and dynamic character personality, which brings the character to life (and this may be just to me so feel free to ignore this).
I hope this helps you some, again feel free to take the suggestions you feel you can use. If you have any questions I'll be happy to help, just quote me or throw me a pm.
I look forward to you being able to join us in the shop. ^-^
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Posted: Sat Sep 08, 2012 5:59 am
Hi <3 just peeked in from my raffle to look at his uniform out of curious! I noticed the listed uniform seems a little more j-pop and military (maybe a little nega) than it does mars! if you jump over here - there are some guides that need followed to get a knight uniform approved! Themes: Mars -- Judgement, war, spirit. and Uniform base: Mars -- Rome and Sparta. If I do roll you I don't mind working with you to fit the design, but even if I don't I thought i'd give you a heads up so its not a frustration later <3 Other mars pages are Helen and Gehena
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Posted: Tue Apr 23, 2013 8:22 am
Adressing the first crit:
Nationality: Hari's family is of a rather more Northern descent. His father is from Tokyo, Japan, but his mother is actually from just outside of Stratford-upon- Avon in England. His mother's backline contains some Norse and Welsh blood, while his father is of a solid Japanese bloodline.
As for the rest of the crit, it's been adressed, and tied a bit better!
Also, the outfit crit has been adressed and modified! Thank you!
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Posted: Tue Apr 23, 2013 11:47 am
This is not a full critique [as I don't believe it's your turn in the queue quite yet], but as someone with many trans*people in my life, I find it curious that you repeatedly swap pronoun use throughout the profile, and I can't help but comment on terminology, since transgender is an adjective, not a noun [That is to say, Hari is a transgender person, not a transgender.]. The terms "pre-op" and "post-op" are also outdated, since they put a value on operations that many trans*individuals cannot afford, or do not desire. It puts a focus on genitals that is unfair and unnecessary, since there are countless operations and medical procedures that trans*persons can undertake, but "pre & post op" invariably refer to procedures involving the breasts and genitals.
If Hari identifies as male, wouldn't he then stick to male pronoun usage? It usually means a lot to a person to be addressed by the correct pronoun for their gender.
We have several "trap" type characters in the shop, who cross dress, but firmly consider themselves the sex and gender they were assigned at birth. If you intend Hari to be different, that is to say, actually transgender, my suggestion would be to tweak the profile to reflect his true gender [male, I presume, from the notation at the top of the profile].
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Posted: Tue Apr 23, 2013 4:46 pm
Thank you very much for your notation! I am not currently up to date on terminology with trans people, and though I regret as such, I thank you for informing me! I will ensure that I change for it to reflect his true gender. I wrote his original profile quite some time ago, as he's an OC from a while back, but I am more than willing to accept critique to make him as close to what he should be as possible! I have a few trans friends, and am A-gender myself, but I'm still shaky on terminology when it comes to the surgeries and the like. I'll be making the changes in a few!
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Posted: Wed Apr 24, 2013 9:23 am
Before you get too attached to your wonder... Ljosalfheim = Álfheimr, correct? At the very least, I'm fairly sure the Ljósálfar are "Light Elves" who dwell in Alfheim. Shoving them both through Google brings up the same results. In any case, Álfheimr as a wonder has already been claimed and is an existing character in the shop! Was there any particular theme you were trying to go with in picking a wonder? If so, I'd be more than happy to help you come up with a suitable name!
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Posted: Wed Apr 24, 2013 10:05 am
I want to stick within the Norse sphere of influence as name-choice, and after browsing and checking, I'm thinking of just changing it to Muspellsheimr, as it doesn't seem to be taken! Thank you for the correction and the offer of help!
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Posted: Tue May 14, 2013 4:23 pm
Hey there Wish, read over your boy and he's quite interesting. Let see if we can get him stamped shall we.
Civilian Side:
Satisfy my curiosity with this one please? What is Hari's nationality? Japanese American or even Japanese British American? This stems from his favorite dishes, you list Bangers and Mash, which is a british dish? You also call his grandmother obasan but not his mother okasan. Was he born in the states, did his family relocate?
Hobbies:
RPG Gaming and Football read well to me. I like that the football hobby is a silly one. Though for football does he go to games? I'm sure DCU has a college football team and there could watch a game or two there? Or even just watching an adult league in the park?
Do nothing to me I think needs to be retitled, as he isn't actually doing nothing. He's going to place to basically contemplate and relax, maybe cloud watch. Maybe you could call it relaxing or contemplation or meditating (there a lots of forms of meditation).
Virtues:
Honest reads like a flaw more than a virtue. One thing I want to mention is, it is best to stir clear of words like always and never. You say he will never lie to you, but that give you no wiggle room and even the most honest person will lie if they really need to or sometimes without even realizing it. His honesty virtue as is, isn't going to make people like him and that's one of the main things to look for in a virtue. Will this make him likable, make him friends, help him in his daily life? You mention of how Hari ranks lies, excepting some and not others but this not applying to himself. I dont think many honest people are going to accept being lied to. Generally I really dont think the virtue needs Hari's lie ranking. I do like he gives people their space if he does upset them, but does he try to reconcile after a while?
Even tempered reads well until you mention he has a temper lying basically in wait and can be quickly drawn to the surface. By definition even tempered means calm and slow or hard to anger. So if he is even tempered it would generally take more than most to get a big reaction out of him. Not to say his reactions can't be explosive if and when he reaches that point, it should be very hard to get him there and generally a non factor. If he is even tempered, is he possibly the one his friends go to for problem solving? I can see this virtue possibly working well in conjunction with his honesty virtue.
Brave, again try to stir clear of the word never. You want to avoid extremes if possible. It's reading more like a flaw, but I think you are going for that he's will to help people out of a scary or potentially dangerous (but not life threatening) situation. He doesn't think to much about it or it just goes with gut instinct? He's that kid who finds the light switch in a dark room, catches the bird that flying around the classroom, grabs the dead mouse out a trap, climbs a tree to get a kitten, jumps into a pool to save someone from drowning? Something like that? His friends can go to him when they are to scared and worried to do something and count on him to help?
Flaws:
Lazy reads a little part lazy, but more unambitious. He like to laze about, stick to his routines and rarely goes about and beyond or reach outside his comfort zones. It seems like he is the type that possible doesn't care to see the latest movies, does care that his shirt doesnt match his pants, can't really be convinced to try something new or to try harder. Maybe he's might even be considered over contented.
Possessive currently reads as something that can't be applied if he's not with Chiku, even though you mention it extends to people he cares about. You want the flaw to be something people dislike him for, but also can be applied to varied situations. He could possible be possessive with people and clingy with people in general, like maybe after he becomes friends with anyone he becomes annoying attached. I like that if he looses a 'possession' he tries his damnedest to get it back. I personally think this is better for the possessive trait that sulking in his room and could possible make him and the situation more annoying people less like to want to be his friend.
For reckless, you sort of just act without thinking or caring about the consequences and this might not necessarily work well with his lazy flaw since it makes him seem very routine not going out of the norm to often. That aside a reckless person might avoid certain death situations, but aren't going to avoid adrenaline rush situations and sometimes the calmest situation will give you an adrenaline rush. Also I think a lot of reckless people dont have a ton of regard for their own personal safety which is what makes it even more of a flaw. People might constantly worry for them and what they will do next making for stressful relationships.
Powered Side:
Nice costume ref, very mars, I think. I like it.
For the weapon you have listed a staff, what ideas did you have for what it will look like, the size, design and material. Is is starting out as a staff in the first stage, if so I think that is complicated. A page weapon should be something simple and generally useless. It has no effect and mostly doesn't do much. A staff is okay for a squire, it will still be simple, but a usable weapon and it gain the ability to channel the knight magic, so it can be used so the knight can perform magic that reflects one of the planets themes. For Mars, they are war, judgement and spirit. At the knight stage a staff is fine as well, it would become more detailed and the magic gets a boost or extra effect.
Let me know what you have in mind for the weapon and the magic, so we can get them okay'd.
The format is something like this:
Weapons:
Page -
Squire-
Magic-
Knight-
Magic-
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Posted: Tue Jun 04, 2013 4:26 pm
Kaori_luv Satisfy my curiosity with this one please? What is Hari's nationality? Japanese American or even Japanese British American? This stems from his favorite dishes, you list Bangers and Mash, which is a british dish? You also call his grandmother obasan but not his mother okasan. Was he born in the states, did his family relocate?
As for the rest of the crit, it has been adressed! LEt me know if anything needs changing~
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Posted: Mon Aug 26, 2013 5:07 pm
Sorry this has taken so long. Ive gotten a bit lost in the sauce this summer [but Im good now] and managed to get myself a bit turned about with some things, but I digress. Now onto your critique.
Civilian:
His hobbies look good now, the only thing I would say there is to change the NOT think in meditation and relaxation to something like let his mind wander or ponder over things.
Virtues:
Honest is still very much half flaw half virtue and that may be particially my fault. After reading to over again a few time I think that this: "Their reactions are their own. If they hate him for it, he understands. He will give space, he'll back off, even if it breaks his heart to do so. People have their own ways of dealing with the truth all the time.....he'll take what he's given. Due to the fact, though, that he doesn't like to let something lie as a festering wound, after he's given someone their space, usually for a week's period of time, he will do his best to come back and make things better. He doesn't want his friends angry with him, and hates the thought of losing them. He will do his best to ammend any problems he's caused and do his best to just make sure that they are at the least not estranged any further."Is not really needed. It seems like extraneous information that only partically pertains to the virtue. Maybe shortening, so its simpler, like if he hurts someone feelings, he gives them space but always tries to make amends.
I would like to see how his honest will be good for others and possibly gain him friends. Like, do they go to Hari when they really need an honest opinion? Could they possibly be more open with or closer to him because they know that he isnt likely to lie to them?
For even-tempered it reads well but I would still suggest rewording, "he's got a slumbering temper that can be drawn to surface," to something like his even temperament doesn't mean he doesn't have a temper. This also still seems very clashy, "However...that ire is always curling right below the surface." Could it possibly his ire build over time making explosions few and far between.
Brave still reads somewhat flawish, they changes you made work well but you still talk too evenly about how the virtue can annoy someone or possibly hurt his relationship with someone. You don't want that. Yes mentioning that this virtue comes with its downside is fine, but you want to keep it 80-85% virtue.
Flaws:
Idle still reads like umamitious, but I think maybe a few small changes can fix that. Does is idleness make his late a lot? This could definitely negatively effect a relationship if he is always late or even doesn't show up. Or if he's not really ever up to doing things he likes if it doesnt flow with his interest? Does that make sense. It seems like he just kind of floats along in life.
For possessive I would say where you say it extends to to people he cares about, or his girlfriend, to change or to especially his girlfriend, since he girlfriend is someone he cares about. Also it seems that his possessiveness would show more when more people are around because those he wants to spend time with are more likely to be otherwise engaged in something else.
Blunt read very well to me. I can definitely say that that behavior would probably make me not like him.
Powered:
The page and squire weapons both look fine to me. However, knight are not allowed to have a bladed weapon. I would suggest upgrading the staff to be made of denser wood so it is heavier and maybe adding detailing to it, like carvings. Or you could change it all together, it is up to you.
For the magic, knight have a pool of usable magic and they can use it for as long as they need inside that pool, 25-30secs seems fine to me, but have it work as long as he is concentrating on the magic as opposed to twice. The effect you have are chosen seems fines to me, though you need to add a range for that he can use his magic within since he is pointing and the maximum amount of people he can use it one.
For the knight magic, please give the duration, I suggest 45secs, as well as the range. For the knight magic, I would like to suggestion having it possibly working by him banging the staff against the ground and effecting all allies in the range, possible radius around him.
Here is the link to the knight information thread for weapons and magic to help with getting is powered information fixed. [Link]
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Posted: Tue Aug 27, 2013 8:59 am
hi! i was just browsing this area and read over kizoku's profile. very interesting concept here!
one thing stuck out to me though - his jealousy and level-headedness directly conflict with one another. in his level-headed virtue you mention that people will often go to him for mediation, which requires the mediator to distance himself accordingly, yet in jealousy i see him as becoming much too involved. i don't think it's possible to write them where they run smoothly together, so maybe you can take a virtue and stretch it into a flaw or vice versa? ie: his laid back attribute becomes cold at a distance, or jealousy can become a form of caring? similar to what you did with blunt and honest.
good luck, hope you win him soon!
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Posted: Wed Feb 12, 2014 9:19 am
Thank you for the crit! I think I've addressed it fully! Let me know what you think~!
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