Just like the transitioning months between 2015 and 2016, I have been experiencing phases of "being awake" and "dreaming." It's again that vicious cycle of hopefulness and hopelessness. From experience, I know this isn't a good state to be in. From experience, I also know that I regret what the other me says. The sleeping (alternatively, "dreaming") Lucia will say good things that may or may not be true, but all is hopeful. The awake (sometimes, "sober") Lucia will say things that are strictly objective, but also pessimistically objective. A minimum of these two sides of me are, as of late, constantly in conflict.
It's terrible being at war with yourself. The first time I made the analogy between my conflicting selves and war, I said that it sucks because if you're in a war with yourself, you will always lose. I arrived at a more positive alternative, in that if I am at war with myself, then I would also be the victor of that war. However, at this very moment, I realize that war is always a tragedy. Is the victor of war happy? All costs considered, everyone is a loser and I will inevitably fail twofold. Furthermore, what if the war never ends? It would just be one ongoing calamity.
Now then, I should have learned that I shouldn't say a word in either of these two states. Given my history regarding No'C, a dream will always end, and pessimism will repel others. I would have liked to say that at least I learned something from my previous relationship, but I truly didn't. Not anything beneficial, anyway. I have learned to distrust others. That's a big one. Hm… I have also learned that I shouldn't have trusted No'C in the beginning, at least not to the extent that I so easily did. I recently found out that I was the cause of someone else's pain just as Month One (with whom No'C replaced me) was among the causes of my pain. I learned that, because of me, No'C abandoned someone just as he abandoned me and I wish I knew. I wish I knew so that I would have been more prepared than I was. I was, as I have said in previous entries probably numerous times, woefully unprepared.
And, because I felt so… bombarded with such pitiful life circumstances, I have evolved into someone who is overly prepared for misfortune. I am now someone who expects pain to the extent that the thought in itself can hurt me. I am someone whose fears are so eminent in my thoughts that I, by the power of sheer will, bring those fears into reality.
I used to think that if I truly believed something enough, it would become possible. Of course, when I was younger, this applied to silly wonders, like willing myself to defy gravity or developing the superpower of telekinesis. I retracted this speculation months ago when I believed No'C would return and he never did. In fact, the desire for him to come back has expired so extremely so that the thought of him, to an unintentionally offensive degree, disgusts me. Seeing just his name makes me want to either throw up or have a breakdown, neither of which are desired effects.
Anyhow, enough about expired thoughts. I am struggling in my current relationship to place my trust in my partner. This I never thought could be the case because, previously, the soul to whom I am in a relationship with now is the same soul that I trusted the most for years upon years. And, in some sense, I still do trust him, but in addition to our carefully crafted friendship, there is now one more thing to lose, and the prospect of such a defeat is… terrifying.
On occasion, I feel better. I think that it is only logical and only natural for me to trust in him. Sometimes he provides such reassurances that I doubt any antecedent doubts. And then there comes days (oh dear, "there comes a time" reminds me of a song) where I'm just so desperate for any proof of his affection for me that I instead put my faith in his assumed failure to love me.
These days went on for quite some time. There were oddly good days and oddly bad days. It took me a while to notice that I was in the vicious cycle of dreams and sobriety again. Because of the nature of my history with the soul of my current relationship, I feel encouraged to pour out my worries and temporary concerns to him, but it's been difficult because he's been the target of my detrimental thoughts. *inhales* And I'm convinced that while sometimes it seems like he's unintentionally hurting me, I want to accept instead that it's my depression using my thoughts of him as fuel for the Shadow.
And, unless you've been depressed yourself, it must be hard to understand that my thoughts don't always come from me. My words aren't always what I truly mean. My hopes and fears and all other entities scuttling about in my mind, they're not always… sensible. More than the regret of having the thoughts themselves, I regret when I share those thoughts with someone who is… hm, influenced by them. I can't take back what I openly share, y'know? I can't unsay what I said, and that's… preventable, dear reader.
To cope with these days of waking and sleeping, I've decided to start a new journal series. "Dear Lucia" is what I'm thinking of calling it. The original plan was for this series to offer a method of communication between the dreaming Lucia and the sober Lucia, albeit retrospectively. However, I can't plan when each Lucia will surface, so instead these entries will typically consist of two separate writings: a Lucia with concerns and a Lucia willing to console.
Man, that introduction was quite a bit longer than I thought it might have been, aha. But anyhow! Without further ado, Dear Lucia entry numero uno.
Dear Lucia of hopeful days,
I am scared. I am scared that I will be obsessed, and scared of what being scared will do. I fear for a repetition of my past and also fear what fear will do to my future. They say there is nothing to fear but fear itself, but the world beyond my mind is just as frightening as the world within me. He will leave me because he will find someone who is braver than me. He will leave me because my uncertainty will become his uncertainty, just as No'C's uncertainty became my uncertainty. I can't accept that Root Beer would accept me, and he can't do much for me without my trust. Will he leave? But he is such a wonderful soul, Lucia. He is so caring, so thoughtful, so understanding. He makes me a better person while I am letting myself become less of a person at all. He must be trying, but why do I feel so insecure? Why does everything feel so fragile? One wrong move, more unintended utterances, even a glance in the wrong direction feels like it can shatter our potential. Why am I so anxious? What is there really to be afraid of? Are my concerns valid?
Dear distressed me,
How are you feeling today? Well, I'll tell you, haha. You're less scared, arguably not scared at all at this very moment, so I must tell you that the fear you experience is inevitably temporary. Now, that doesn't mean it will go away forever. Both you and I know 'tis only a matter of time before it returns and by then, I expect another letter, haha.
I want to convince you that you are not obsessed, nor are you even close to obsession. You're just craving some evidence of trustworthiness, some valid foundation to place your faith in, and the idea of having your heart broken again makes you… so fragile. I know, Lucia, that you don't want to lose him. I know that you're holding him terribly close to your heart because you think he'll disappear if you loosen your grip, but, oh me, he's a good soul. You know he's a good soul.
I… wish I could, but I can't guarantee you that he will stay. I wish I could, I really wish I could promise you that, but I won't. I could, but I don’t want the future to make me into a liar. Instead, I can urge you to trust him. Someone braver than you? Dear Lucia, who's more brave than a girl who fears the dark and lives in the shadow? I think you're plenty brave. Maybe he thinks you're plenty brave, too. Or, maybe he doesn't view your vulnerability as a shameful weakness. Or maybe he recognizes that the shadow is your struggle and he accepts you for that. I wouldn't think that he would leave you because of your lack of bravery. (You know I want to say, "I wouldn't think that he would leave you," but I can only share in your hope, aha.)
And yes, No'C's uncertainty did come before your uncertainty nearly a year ago, but it's not quite as if No'C's uncertainty become your uncertainty. I'm fairly confident No'C was no longer uncertain by the time you started doubting him. And, besides, you are not No'C. Perhaps you may have believed so once upon a time, but look at where you two are? In different worlds once again. As it was, is now, and ever shall be.
Maybe you can't accept that Root Beer would accept you because you simply can't accept that anyone would accept you. You know yourself and you struggle to deal with yourself. How can someone else even begin to know how to deal with such a broken human? But, I'm fairly certain you've faced the worst. Occasionally, you still break down and it still hurts and you know there's hardly even a slim chance of those breakdowns stopping, but you have to remember, Lucia, that he's your hero. He's been your hero and he can be your hero again if only you just let him. Perhaps someone else can save you, too. You don't have to be alone, my sweet.
So you want to know why you feel so insecure and fragile despite being in a relationship with someone who you trust most. I don't know the answer to that. At least, I can't give you a reassuring answer, but perhaps it's not your fault. He's busy, y'know? He could be ill. He could be otherwise occupied (God forbid he be confused). He simply doesn't have as much time for you as you have for him and that doesn't have to make you feel like you do. It's not him behind your anxiety. I think it's the shadow and the silence.
The shadow loves you, at least, and the silence hugs you perhaps too often. Please, please don't mix him up with the shadow and the silence. I mean, sure, he's fully capable of combating the silence and, with his reassurance, you feel like you can face the shadow! But don't… do that to yourself, Lucia. Don't depend on him in such a way that his absence hurts you so incredibly much.
I'd like to think that your concerns are valid because you must be tired of thinking how outrageous all your thoughts are. I think you actually do have reason to feel as you do, but what he doesn't say, the shadow says something in his place. What he doesn't do, the shadow does something in his place. This… intimacy you share with the shadow, don't let it define your relationship. Don't let it define you, either. Be strong, Lucia. Be brave, Lucia. Please.
Today's lyric excerpt:
There comes a time,
when all the games get old,
and all the thrills they have are gone,
tired of the run around
In the future, "Dear Lucia" entries will likely be much shorter because there would be no introduction. Anyhow, I gotta get to class. Cheers!
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