It's currently 2:11AM and I don't know what to do but to write, so here I am! Hello again, haha.
In sooth, I've been feeling the need to write for the past few hours, perhaps the past few days, but I... have been quite unstable lately and thus my inspiration for writing has been equally inconsistent. One minute, I'd have to urge to write about how content I am with the current circumstance of my life and then I'll look at the clock and realize I had just wasted three hours painfully recounting every surviving depressing thought. Strange, isn't it?
I just recovered from a slight breakdown. I was going to start writing then because journals have been my escape for ages, but I needed to find my glasses. By the time I found them (they were on my face the whole time), I realized it wasn't my asymmetrical eyeballs that were blurring my vision, but two lonely tears collecting on my waterlines. Is that funny? I found it worthy of a halfhearted chuckle, haha.
Ahh, where do I start? The more honest I am, the more I fear another breakdown. Is that really what I fear? Bwahp, perhaps you'll find out in this entry.
Now that I'm calm enough to start, I don't know what to say. Oh dear.
Well, let's first rewind a bit, I guess. My left arm currently harbours a handful (literally) of scabs, but it'll heal soon. It always does. The other morning (I can't differentiate days well due to my sleeping schedule), something on my right leg lightly scratched my arm. When I looked down, it was some dried skin sticking out and hanging on from when it was lifted off the surface of the rest of my leg skin. I wanted to write right at that moment and in hindsight, I should've! Just to get it out there. Just so you would know. I didn't write anything, not until now.
How did those scratches end up on my leg? It was a few nights ago, reader. 'Twas a night kind of like tonight except I actually am writing now (as opposed to merely pondering the possibility) and trying desperately to fight The Shadow. I was thinking, as I always am, and suddenly the thought of... "rain" came to mind. It was completely on instinct (not mystic, haha) that my right hand clenched into a fist. It just so happened that I was laying on my left side and my right hand was resting near my knee. When the thought of rain came to mind, clenching my fist also simultaneously scratched my leg. I didn't know until the morning that that little thought was enough to free a layer of skin from me, but, well, I'm not surprised. I tend to lose physical sensitivity when in particular frames of mind.
It's fine, though, if you're concerned at all. My leg is A-OK. The scratches have healed, as they always do.
So tell me, Lucia, why did you have a breakdown?
What a sensitive topic, Lucia. I don't know if I can answer it.
I have been having breakdowns more frequently during the past week. Heh, even seeing the word "breakdown" makes me tear up. *ahem* Anyhow, I know my glasses are on so there's no need to look for them when my vision blurs again. *sniffles* Okay. *cracks knuckles* Be a brave girl, Lucia.
I have been speculating the possibility that I suffer from depression for a few years now. Only in the past few months have I really contemplated the consequence of harbouring The Shadow. Only in the past few months have I been experiencing breakdowns to this degree. While I'm not having nightly breakdowns as I had been during the transitioning months between 2015 and 2016, the frequency in my breakdowns has increased since April 2016 (my first and only tear-free month of the year so far).
Perhaps in another entry, I'll write about my previous episodes of breakdowns and/or my previous phases of The Shadow, my most faithful lover. I wanted to write a Confession Session. How long has it been since one of those? So much for the original plan of two Confession Sessions a month, haha.
Ah, okay. Hm... While my depression has acquired the new habit of manifesting itself in breakdowns, dealing with it has become significantly easier as I have grown. In other words, my depression seems like it's getting worse, but I seem to have improved at dealing with it.
In the past, I kept my depression to myself. It got to the point where I stopped thinking it was depression. Perhaps The Shadow even blessed me by taking a break from my life. I was known for being happy and energetic. People thought I was social and capable of this and that and and and... I was proud of myself. "How can you manage to be so happy all the time?" What a genuinely pleasing thing to hear.
"Are you okay, Lucia? You don't look okay." Oh, how times have changed, but for the better! I hope. I'm much more open to being open now! That's good, right? To be able to reach out for help? Especially when you start needing more and more of it?
Can someone hug me right now?
Some days, I think I've settled the fact that I might never be free from The Shadow. Other days, I'm curious what it's like to be happy without a timer being set in my heart to cry. Y'see, reader, we all die. We're all born and we all die and our bodies function to keep us alive but why? Why do we exist? We don't contribute to anything grander than humanity and while humanity is quite grand in itself, humanity isn't meant to last forever.
...if forever even exists.
So what is the purpose of life? Why are we here? Well, there are many things to know! There are many things to learn and discover and realize! And then after that, there is so much knowledge to apply, so many endless possible inventions, so... much. There's so much for us to spend our lives doing before we die.
But me? I think my goal in life is to be happy. The pursuit of happiness is a major theme in my life and the struggle to be happy is my most prominent motif. It's quite saddening, y'see, to have to accept that I'm depressed because I can't reach my life goal, my own personal destination is impossible for me.
Perhaps times will change. Perhaps one day I'll wake up and be cured of The Shadow. Perhaps one day, I'll sleep with my lights off because I'll be sleeping beside someone who can protect me from my fear of the dark. Oh, wouldn't that be nice? Perhaps one day, I'll read this journal entry and go, "Silly Lucia, how could you think you were doomed from the start?" as a drink my favourite soft drink.
Alternatively, one day in the future, I'll be on the brink of suicide, reflecting on my life and checking this precious journal one last time and realizing I knew all along how hopeless my journey to happiness was.
The future is ambiguous, after all. Isn't that great? You don't know if life will get better or if it will end tomorrow! We can't know anything and
Truth be told, reader, I don't know what I fear more: the past or the future. My past haunts me, and if my future is just my past, then I think I have every right to fear the future as well, but... Oof, having two things to constantly fear is two too many.
Oh, another human is awake. I shall be off to keep her company! Perhaps she can ward off The Shadow.
Here are some lyrics to end this entry:
I know it sounds crazy
But I need you to trust me
If it's how it must be
Then I'll fade away
I plan to update pretty regularly, by the way! I think I was a happier child when I did update regularly.
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