As of the end of April 2016, I can acknowledge that I no longer love No'C the way I used to. It's unfortunate because I feel that he needs me but I'll be taking a stance to be of limited use to him.
But, it was his choice to leave me. He had been plagued with thoughts of how to break the news (the parting of hands) to me. From the time his heart turned infidel to the moment he officially relinquished our intimacy, No'C had had much too much time to thoroughly contemplate the weight of his decisions. I will respect his logic, regardless of whether or not I believe it was the right way to go. That's not my opinion to have.
Now that I don't feel tied to No'C the way I was, we've been able to restore some level of friendship. It's not as... honest as I'd like it to be, I s'pose. Like, I don't know how he feels about me for certain, but I know that towards him I am putting up an altruistic act. I'm willing to do things for him to ease the troubles and tribulations of his life, despite how doing such things do inconvenience me. I give him words of encouragement and praise his efforts, despite how I'm equally as worried for him. I think I feel the need to take care of him somehow. If I don't, who will? (Not his new special human, that's for sure... *ahem* but that's not for me to proclaim.)
His birthday was a while ago (April 19th!) and I bought him several items that I wanted to gift him. Throughout our relationship, I'd jot down potential things to give him, so needless to say I had been looking forward to an occasion to give him shtuff. When we stepped down from our podium of lovers, I still had the list. I figured it would have been a waste of effort on the part of my past so I went out and gathered all the things on the list (easily blowing all my money from New Years) and packed them up in an orangey bag I scrapped together out of paper during a lunch period. I tucked a note in the bag, telling him to "stay interesting." It was an allusion to the reason I gave him whenever he used to ask me why I liked him ("You're similar enough to relate to and different enough to stay interesting."). I wonder if he made the connection. Anyhow! He sounded pretty pleased and his messages of thanks were so enthusiastic that I... just felt like I had forgiven all that needs to be forgiven (myself, him, circumstance).
In the following days, Root Beer and I have been... hm. I actually have no idea what Root Beer and I were up to, but it seems to have developed into something that makes me happy. I am, of course, terribly hesitant to engage in any romantic endeavors with Root Beer because I fear that one of us will get hurt. This is of grand concern because he's the human I confide in when my life goes awry, so if I were to be hurt by him or the other way around, I would feel without company to rely on for healing.
But, is it a risk worth taking? Life knows I'm a sucker for things that last, and whatever was that existed between Root Beer and me so many years ago still exists. That must count for at least something, right?
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