Hmmm. Where should I start. Oh, with the ever so great begining to a diary entry.
Dear Diary,
I don't know why i'm typing...yet typing to you. Especially since this is online. It would never be private whether I want it to or not.
Any who. I need some way to vent my emotions since having a real one is hazardest since my family would questioning me for half the things I write. Besides. No one would care if I wrote this up or not. Just another sad story of this life I live...whatever..
Anywho. To start things off.
I'm moving Yipee~....I'm not really happy nor sad. I wont be leaving much behind I must say. Since this world is full of backstabbing ..hmm donkeys...yes putting it lightly.
All I ever wanted was a companion. Is that to much to ask for!..I guess so. I've been enduring all this for quite sometime now. My randomn shouts and anger outburst is a part of me thats been itching to make it out. I feel, well. Lost as many times I have been. Yet I cease to cry. Just mob around as usually. Curse the days I live and pray I can keep surving in this nightmare i've fallen into.
Whoever said Highschool was fun obviously had a better time then I have. The unstability of friendships is wearing me down. I'm sorry if I sound pathetic but, I can bare but so much. I am human, even though I try my best to hide every emotion I have. Every emotion I have left. The scars of this hardship is going to end up leaving me bitter and spiteful, and that is something I wish not to become. Lately. All I have is myself to solve my problems and make it through each day with atleast a smile and laugh. Yet. When I come home, late or early. I think of how my life just took a turn for the worst. How in my time of need I am not supported at all. Maybe since I seem so strong, happy, or content or something. People never bother to question me if i'm happy or not. Maybe. Since they could careless that I am falling deeper and deeper into my hateful thoughts.
Yes. Hateful thoughts. I don't wish to want to wish everyone away, and worst yet. I would rather kill everyone around me off to soften the pain I am having. Some can say I am being over emotional, and you can say what you want. I never and rarely bare the thought of showing emotion unless nessary. I'm trying to stop myself from stressing out as I write this but whatever, I think i'm losing grip of my calm and patient nature. I reflect more on my past times, how stupid and how great some of the things I had were. Yet when I think of it. My past times are only making my angry, since. I shared so many moments with the people I hate. I've lost a sense of wanting to speak anymore and i'm losing my words yet again. Yet again. I guess this problem I dispelled from thought. Casting it out of image in my mind to go on with my life but it continues to haunt me yet again. Whatever...I'm just...whatever now of days. My poems don't even make sense since I can't concentrate. I can't draw, I can barely focus correctly and its effecting my grades.
This is not a sucidal note I hope. I've just had it is all I can say. And as for my dearest friend at the moment, Ina. I'm sorry that I can't show you a good friendship, i've closed myself off. Last time we talked, and that letter you gave me. It was truly appericated but...in my heart...I couldn't be happy...I just couldn't and...it hurts me to say such a thing. I don't wanna lose yet another friend. It seems the world is against me..and I against it. This problem is causing me to cast away friends and lose them at the same time. I feel like a tyrant. But deep in my broken heart, yes deep in that dark broken heart. I'm looking for a light, my light to help me break through this. Until then. All I can do is bare these times with strong mind. Try to get through this alone if I have to and pray for the best.
I don't believe my love loves me anymore. Or maybe its me trying to cast him away. I don't know and I don't care. I think I ask to much of him and all. That is all.
I've been in the dark for too long. Its time for me to find myself a light to find my sanctuary.
Oh diary. Your the window to my mind and the bandages to my heart. Why are you so kind to such a darkened soul.
-Love, The only one who cared to notice.
Azorii · Sat Feb 17, 2007 @ 03:39am · 3 Comments |