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Calm. Peace. Hopeful. Pending Pregnancy Test. |
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My doctor's appointment is nearing closer and closer....to determine something that could change my life forever....if I'm pregnant or not, if I have life growing inside of me.
But I've decided something.
No matter what the results are, I will bear through it, and I will have this child.
I've calmed myself down, because depression and really strong emotions can hurt the unborn baby. I've started a form of meditation that calms me and takes me to a special place I can go to whenever I need to get away and calm down...all I have to do is breathe in, and out...and I'm there.
I've been praying like crazy, and I've been prayed over...I've asked God over and over to give me strength, and courage, and faith to keep going in spite of the hurt and pain I am enduring and could endure later if the results are positive. I believe it's working, because I haven't felt this calm in such a long time.
I've been thinking about all the negatives, and what I've lost....and I've been thinking about the positives and what I've gained. The positives far outweigh the negatives. I may have lost a boyfriend, the person I had first loved, my virginity, friends I thought were close to me, and my security blanket....but I've gained some very wonderful friends I didn't know were still there, a sister in Christ, love I thought I had lost, a better security blanket that was always there- I just ignored him, faith to go on, courage to stand up when all I wanted to do was lay down on my face and die, and inner strength I didn't know I had.
And, if I am pregnant and give birth to a child...I will give him to Senora. Yes, my Spanish teacher. She is the sister in Christ I was talking about. She is also a dear friend, counselor, and mother figure. I've admired her for a long time. She's living the life that I want to live, and a life I plan on going after--right now. Senora found out when she was in her 20s that she couldn't have babies. She has so much overwhelming maternal feelings...and not being able to have children has been hurting her entire life...think about how much I could bless her with a child. My body can handle having a child, and I would be able to bless her with something she so desperately wants.
Either way, if I have a child- I will be blessed along with other people...
and if I'm not pregnant, I will still have these close relationships with these people that care so much about me and be blessed.
I win either way.
So, now only time will tell which path my life will turn on.
I only have three words.
Bring. It. On.
 Multicolored Stockings · Sat Jan 20, 2007 @ 07:54pm · 1 Comments |
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