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I'm Hurting. And No One Can Help Me. |
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Pain.
That's a very generic word.
I mean, it can be any type of pain...any degree.
The pain I am experiencing right now is the worst type of pain imaginable.
Heartbreak.
My heart is broken.
In pieces, and I don't think anyone will ever be able to do anything about it.
I want someone to hold me, to love me, to just lay with me; not saying anything, just laying there and rubbing my arm, my neck...absorbing the pain I'm feeling. But I don't have anyone like that. No one understands me like that, nor wants to do that. I'm alone.
My boyfriend, Matt, the one whom I loved with all of my heart, mind, body, and soul...betrayed me in the worst way possible.
He cheated on me.
He refuses to give me a reason as to WHY he did it or who he did it with...
but the fact is, he did.
He did that TO ME.
ME.
I've had enough ******** s**t in my life, and I DON'T NEED ANY MORE!
Does that stop him?
No. He wasn't thinking about me.
You know what fries me the most?
The fact that the girl KNEW he had a girlfriend, allowed him to do that, and...
He was wearing the bracelet I bought him.
The bracelet engraved with our initals on it.
Oh God, I'm crying again.
I feel so weak, pathetic...but my heart's been broken.
I hurt so bad.
I keep envisioning him doing it...and the look on his face...oh God...I want to die.
I want to kill myself, and just end all this pain, because no one can take it away. No one.
I'm hurting so bad, I didn't think I could possibly hurt this much again.
I've been cheated on before, but it was merely an insult because I wasn't really feeling the guy anyways.
But this...he killed me.
He did.
He murdered me visciously.
You know what I've realized?
He's just like everyone else.
He's just like Kylee. Like Hayley. Like Sierra. Like Aaron. Like Grace.
All people who have stabbed me in the back, some numerous times.
And it hurts.
I was still healing from wounds other people have inflicted on me...
And then, when I least expect it, the one I love most in the entire world...the one whom i'd never expect to do ANYTHING like that to me....does it.
It hurts me so bad.
I just want to die.
I wish it never happened, that my special feelings would come back, that I would be happy...but I don't know if I'll ever truly be happy again. He robbed that from me. Unfairly. I didn't do anything to deserve this pain.
I want to rekindle it...somehow...but it isn't working.
He said he'd try...but he really isn't.
I mean sure, he's not touching any other girls like I wanted him to AGES ago...
But, he really isn't trying.
All he does is sit around with a guilty/depressed look on his face.
He really isn't trying to make things RIGHT again.
Everything is so broken, so different...so...unnattached.
And it seems like Lindsay likes him now.
And that just pisses me off even more.
They were both talking at lunch, I didn't really say anything...no one said anything to me at all actually...I'm past the trying to make friends part. It just won't work. And now, I don't trust anyone...no one at all.
Despair
Despair, despair O heart,
The pain is true.
The deep, foreboding sense of loss,
Wracks my trembling body
The fog wraps around me,
Clinging,
Biting,
My hope that the sun will shine has evaporated,
Leaving my ghost,
My shadow.
Despair, despair O heart,
the pain is true.
Like a wraith, screaming for the graves,
an end to the silence.
Memories, fresh in mind, never to be forgotten,
that horrible day,
lies hide what’s hidden under the surface,
the face, the covering to my fragile soul,
the windows to my mind…
This is a poem I wrote a while ago, when I was feeling pain...but it seems more suited now, more than ever. I hurt so bad.
I gave him my virginity. And I didn't regret it, but now I do. I regret everything now. It seems life is a cycle of never-ending pain. He said that if I took the jump for him...I would get everything...or nothing.
Look where I am now.
Nothing.
And it hurts like ******** hell.
I would rather be maimed by a mountain lion and left to die painfully in a ditch somewhere up in some small mountain town than have this happen to me.
I mean that, too.
I would take a maiming...than have my heart be broken.
I'd hurt less.
I don't think I'll ever stop crying.
Or stop this pain.
I can forget it for a while and sometimes even manage a smile or distract myself with someone...
but it lies underneath the surface...and it comes back to haunt me.
Oh God.
Please save me.
I need help.
I need healing.
This pain won't leave me alone.
It feels as if no one loves me anymore.
Everyone's betrayed me...all except my family.
Everyone else I've ever known...has betrayed me.
Everyone else I've ever let in, see my thoughts, have my heart...has betrayed me horribly.
This hurts so bad.
Why can't I have someone who understands me?
Why can't I have someone who loves me truly, and will never hurt me, ever?
Why can't I have someone who will hold me when I'm down, lift me up, just lay with me, not saying anything...but not needing to at the same time?
There really isn't such thing as a fairy-tale, is there?
Mine just died.
I'm still crying.
I don't think it will ever stop.
I wish someone would help....
But no one's there.
I'm at the point I was before...
alone, lost, afraid, hurting...
and no one to love me.
I want him to be mine, to love me unconditionally, to spend as much time as he humanly can with me- no matter the consequences, to do whatever he can to make me smile, to make me laugh, to make me feel happy again...I gave him a second chance...
and I hope it was worth it.
I don't know if I did the right thing.
It felt right.
But I don't know if our relationship can ever be back to what it was before.
I don't know how much longer I can live with this pain.
It hurts more than anything I could ever imagine.
I'm dying.
And no one knows how to save me.
No one.
 Multicolored Stockings · Tue Jan 09, 2007 @ 01:14am · 1 Comments |
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