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This song always reminds me of an RP character I created years ago. The story behind her is too long to fill out, but I can fill out the reasons here.

I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD), and Clinical Depression (CD) and suffer from severe Panic Attacks. Both are, in my case, chemical imbalances in the brain and cannot be remedied. They are permanent. The medications that have been created thus far are unable to cure this for me, as they do for roughly 85% of those that have these problems.

Those who do not have this won't understand what it means, to be a constant state of panic over, quite literally, nothing. I've had friends abandon me because of this, telling me it's all in my head.

They're right. It is. But there's no way to control it. They can hit at any time. I can be out with my son and daughter, and collapse from a sudden panic attack that makes it so I can't breathe.

I had this happening to an extreme years ago. I thought I was losing my mind, as suddenly I couldn't go out and do the things I enjoyed. I was trapped in a room, as it was the only place I felt safe. Attacks happened the least while in that one little room.

I thought I was going insane, I was sure of it. I knew how I was acting was wrong, that I shouldn't be reacting in such a manner, but I couldn't stop it. I needed a vent for the frustration and anger I had against myself for being in such shape.

That pent up anger and frustration caused more attacks, which caused more hatred.

I turned to cutting, which in turn made me sure I was insane.

As a means to stop the slashy slashy, I turned to literary Roleplaying in forums. My vent for this became a young elf whom lost her mind and rampaged the role playing world wreaking havoc everywhere she went. There was no way to control her, and no way to stop her. She thought far outside the box. Hell, she thought outside the building the box was in, and managed to always slip out of the traps other people devised to kill her.

She was also tenacious and if she got it in her mind to kill you, there was no stopping her. she, in part, embodied what I believed I was battling against, and at the same time became a tangible object of my resistance to what was happening to me. Just as she strived to make anyone that messed with her regret it, I strived to control what was believed to be uncontrollable.

The site I posted at was known as the World of Malena, which was lost when EZBoard was hacked and 90% of the forums on their servers were destroyed. There I was known as Jered Zeddicuus. It was because of that site, my determination to find a way to cure myself and, to a major degree, because of this elf that was created in my head that I managed to put my life back together enough to actually be able to step out of the house without it being for food.

That's probably why this song is important to me. I will hear this problem I have screaming, begging for mercy. I won't let it control me.

Damn, this turned into a more somber rant than I wanted. I'm outta here.