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I'm agoraphobic. The definition of agoraphobia is the fear of open spaces, but for me it manifests as feeling unsafe in any environment that isn't my home, and to a lesser extent, my bedroom. I do better in spaces that are designated as "mine" (my seat, my classroom, etc), but I cannot say I feel safe in any place but my own room. This is partially because my room is the only space I feel I have permission to be at any time.

My freshman year of high school was profoundly traumatic. Along with abusive relationships and the strings of bad decisions leading up to them, at that point, being in the wrong place at the wrong time could make the difference in how many bruises I had, or how many cuts I had to cover up. Being in spaces outside of my house, and further my room, was a huge risk. It's been more than four years since then, but I still can't be in an unfamiliar space without constantly looking over my shoulder, flinching at shadows, on high alert. I need an invitation and a reason to be anywhere other than my room, and if I don't have one, I'm not safe. My room is the only place where I set the rules, where I'm not having to be constantly evaluating the situation to judge whether or not it's safe for me to be there.

So please, don't tell me I'd feel better if only I'd go for a walk, get some fresh air. I won't, I promise.