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It's 4:30 am and I can't sleep

It's weird because I haven't had a day like this in a long time
I honestly thought I was over all of this and that everything would be smooth sailing from now on

I guess when a lot of stress is pent up it comes out in the worst ways
i know this totally contradicts what I wrote yesterday, but it's hard for me to handle all of this and keep smiling

don't get me wrong, i love it here, especially because I managed to create a place for myself surrounded by new people in a new environment
but i miss my friends
I miss my life
I want it to be richer when i get back, of course
but i miss it

I'm stressed about my college applications
I'm stressed about the online classes that I seem to never get around to do it
I'm stressed about my lack of productivity overall, especially in areas of study and music(or anything that requires extra effort, to be honest)
I'm stressed about the Japanese exam I signed up for in December; there's only a month and I've barely studied
I'm stressed about money, and what my life is going to be like when i get home
I'm worried that I won't be able to live up to the expectations of those around me; but i'm particularly worried of not living up to my own

But most of all, I'm scared that in the time I was gone, the people that I valued in my life(previous life?) have moved on without me
Im constantly worried that missing an important year in the lives of my friends will wedge something between us
will we really know each other anymore?
i mean, i even left on a really sour note; i cant imagine why there'd be a reason for me to be on anyone's mind
If i change too drastically as a person, will they not see me as the person they chose to be friends with anymore?

I'm probably going to regret posting this when i read it over again after I've gotten some sleep
but honestly i feel like it's only fair to write about both sides of what i think about on a daily basis
life isn't a simple walk in the park, no matter how much i'd like it to be.