Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

 
 

View User's Journal

I don't know
happy
I hate myself. I know I've said this before, and im sure i thought i meant it. But the reality is I truly hate everything that I have become. To deal with the problems i had in jr high i blocked out a lot of memories. Memories of how i truly was, the reasons i was bullied and different. Because i was different. I used to think it was that i was better than everyone else. I took on the whole world at once and hated anyone that acted stupid. I can't say i was happy then, but i can say i was myself. My problem at the end of the day was that i had offended far too many people by standing up for my morals regardless of the consequence. I truly didnt care what people thought about me and i was truly myself. The one thing i swore tobmyself wass thatvi would never let myself become someone else or be influenced into changing who.i was. Now tjough... Now i cant even understand my thoughts. Im so serious, so technical, and all.i seem to care about is how i appear to others. I've stopped feeling. Its all fake. The only thing i truly feel is anger. Anger because i became the exact person i swore i would never become. And im scared. Truly scared. But i dont know how to feel.that anymore. I cant talk to anyone because i have no one left that could help.me through this. I cant find myself. Its buried so far down in this shell of rationality thay i cant even imagine doing something that isnt planned out. I dont remember what it was about me that was worth knowing. But i know i was once an interestinf enough person to be around truly real.people. And thats wy i hate this. I am so fake that i cant remember whats real. The real world has stripped away all of me. All.i have is a worthless husk that knows just enough about people to act like im okay. I am.so far from okay. But i cant do.anything to change it. The reality of it all.is that i will never be truly happy. And considering the type of person i have become i dont think i deserve to.be happy





 
 
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games

Customize your own avatar now!

Join Now

Have an account? Login Now!