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I slept last night.
I had a most wondrous dream.
That's all it was though I guess.
Just a silly dream.
I'm forgetting the point already.
I guess it doesn't matter.
My mom is yelling at me for sleeping the day away.
She would've yelled for not trying if I was awake the whole time.
I'm getting these massive migraines lately.
It might be because of the drinking.
Just another reason for painkillers.
I'm hallucinating again.
I'm counting again.
Thought stopping ins't working.
It stopped working so long ago.
All I see is ants.
All I hear is the fan slowly rotating and the voice of a dead man.
My thoughts are not relaxed despite the empty look on my face.
I keep looking off into the distance, and getting lost in space.
In actuality I'm just trying not to stare into the face of a dead man.
I'm trying not to count.
I'm resisting the urge to scratch.
To jump off my roof.
To suffocate, strangle, dismember, and eat other people.
There's so much that goes on inside of me in one day.
And then there's days where I can forget all of it.
The days where I speak to my beloved Alejandra.
And I get so wrapped up in her encompassing light.
So fixated on her that I can't even spare a moment on me.
And yet she cares about my problems.
She doesn't have to.
She doesn't even need to speak to me.
I just need to think about her.
I just need to smell her.
Hear her voice.
See her smile.
Hear her snorts and laughter.
It's probably just because I have an addictive personality.
Or because I'm selfish.
I want her all to myself.
I don't want her to spread the happiness she gives to me to other people.
Maybe my deadly sin is Greed rather than Wrath.
At least when it comes to her.
God I love her.
I strayed so far from whatever point I was making.
I'm saying all of this aloud.
I keep finding ants on me and I'm counting them away.
I keep counting my mistakes.
I keep rocking.
I keep seeing the eyes of a dead man looking at me.
I hear his voice.
It might be my fault.
It's completely my fault.
I just need to keep drinking.
I just need more painkillers.
At least until I see her again.
I tell her I love her.
It's much more than that.
I just don't know any stronger word than love.
It's a word I don't normally mean when I say it.
With her it's like the only word that works.
I'm infatuated only it's not short.
This feeling doesn't seem to fade.
Even though I've tried.
I just couldn't get over it.
My problems only get worse.
I pretty sure this files under using a person.
I'm using the only person I truly care about at this point.
And I don't care.
I hit a thousand ants.
This is my longest hallucination yet.
If I tell my therapist this I wonder what he'd say.
I'm thrill chasing.
I need to see her.
Oh dear.
Two thousand ants.
I'm being swallowed and my dead friend is blowing on me.
I know none of it's real.
I can feel everything.
The ants his breath everything..
Reality is a matter of perception.
It's probably just some outside stimuli forcing itself into this hallucination.
They're crawling inside of me..
There's nothing I can do.
I'm just a shell for bitterness and woe covered in shiny colors.
That didn't make sense.
I don't know where I'm going with this.
I have therapy soon.
I'm not calming down.
I'll just have to pretend.
I keep looking off into the distance.
When he snaps his fingers at me to get my attention I will pretend.
I wont tell him all the things I see in the world.
I wont tel him completely how I feel.
I'll tell him how unhappy I am.
I'll tell him how I just want to end my life.
I want to escape all the things that I see.
I just don't want to leave Alejandra.
When they say life is unfair they don't tell you why.
I think this is why.
Even though it's easy to escape you'd be leaving behind everything.
I guess I'll just continue on like this for now.
As long as I can tell it isn't real.
Once I lose that, there's no hope me anymore.