Welcome back once more to those of you who are reading this even after enduring the ever so verbose vomit of vocabulary that was my last bit of the story. If you have made it even this far into my tale, I formally commend you for your dedication. At least someone must find my life that interesting, right? I'm glad you do, at least.
Now then, when I last left off I had finally arrived at Westmont high school where I would finish the remainder of my sophomore year. There really isn't much to say there, other than biology class being perhaps one of the highlights of my experiences that year at Westmont. Perhaps because it was there that I met the acquaintance of a certainly fascinating young woman who sat behind me. Her name was Jocelynn--though she went by Jocey. I'll get more into her later.
Sophomore year came to an end, and I was finally ready to spend my first full Summer with my beloved Christina. There really isn't much to talk about here though. For once, my life had finally mellowed out--everything had fallen into place. I was without a complaint in the world. That is of course, until we started seeing each other more often.
They say the more you see of someone you love, the more you grow sick of them. I think I'm beginning to understand that a bit more looking back on all of it now. Christina and I were happy for a time, spending more and more time together at her new home, in her new neighborhood. She had been modifying the place for some time, having it better suit her and her mother's taste so long as they were going to stay there. In our spare time we would go to one of the swimming pools in her neighborhood to cool off, or just sit out on the balcony outside of her room talking to each other happily and sharing meals together.
The Summer months of 2010 went by ever so calmly, and by our second anniversary things were a bit more tame. We didn't need to do much of anything special, simply spend the time together and exchange a thoughtful gift or two. She made me two more plush dolls, once more being Zero from Megaman X and Ciel, one of Zero's companions later on in his games. I won't go too deep into that though, I don't want to totally geek out on you or anything. Anyway, it was a wonderful day for the both of us, having made it two whole years together, and being able to celebrate going to the same school together in the upcoming school year as well. Of course, seeing each other every day for school would prove to be a bit more dramatic than we had initially thought.
When I began my Junior year, I smiled my biggest, beaming smile the morning I first saw Christina at the same school as me. We had elected to take at least one class together, though she was a bit reluctant to join me. I had chosen to dabble a bit in guitar that year, and such that became my elective class for the year. It was a pretty boring class overall, really. Most of the students just kind of screwed around the whole time. All we had to do was play a few notes for the teacher, get our marks for the day and be done with it. Christina was never all that good at the guitar, though. Even when she tried she never quite got it, but I suppose that's alright. Eventually, she elected out of guitar class, leaving me to endure the awkwardness all by myself. Admittedly, I was quite sore with her for having left me behind like that, but I suppose making straight A's meant a bit more to her than enjoying the company of her lover.
I had assimilated myself into a small cell of little social cliques that gathered in a small patch of grass by the school library. I was invited there by my good friend William, who introduced me to a myriad of various other interesting individuals. I had invited a few of the people whom I had met in previous classes when I arrived at Westmont sophomore year as well. Two of them I had met in my world history class after getting into some rather interesting discussions with them. Their names were Kyra and Jeremy. Kyra and I would prove to become rather close friends for the remainder of that year and into Junior year. There were various other cliques in the general area that we were located with whom we would occasionally intermingle, but I preferred to stay mostly among my own group. Surprisingly, though, William--who had been my best friend up until that point--was rather absent from the group, and from my contact in general. I suppose he had become rather engaged in his academic endeavors. A little too engaged if you ask me, but this is coming from a man who is happy to merely obtain the credits necessary to gain a foothold into the next step of life.
I ended up forming my own little clique among three friends in particular: William, Jeremy, and Kyra. Among the four of us I would end up bringing us all together for after school hangouts at a local Dairy Queen on Fridays. Not all of us could always make it, but it was always a fun experience for us to share together. We had a lot of our bonding time from times like those.
Months passed and Christina's birthday once again came about. It was her eighteenth birthday, so she decided to do something extra fun this time. She invited a few friends, myself of course, along with William, Kyra, and Jeremy. We were to have dinner together, and then spend the evening at Great America (a theme park nearby my area, for those of you who don't know) for their Halloween Haunt. William and Kyra showed up, but Jeremy stood us up. I suppose though at the time Jeremy had his own reservations, as the two of us weren't entirely the best of friends. Not just yet, anyway.
The park was nice, and we all had some good fun. Though while with Kyra I heard the most curious statement from her regarding William when we were discussing his social life. Kyra had said that she wouldn't mind it at all if William had asked her out, and so began a little scheme of Christina and I's to hook the two of them up. Though, in hindsight we probably shouldn't have done that, but hey, that's high school right?
It came time for the Homecoming dance at Westmont and since Christina wanted to go so badly, I decided to accompany her, though much as I despised school dances. I went on the mere condition that William and Kyra would be going together, as friends for now, but slowly I began prodding with William to go ahead and pop the question to Kyra, and so he did.
The result, however, was a surprising--and rather harsh--no, after which Kyra seemed to avoid the group for some time. Apparently, I had made a huge mistake, but hey, she's the one who initially said so in the first place, so who can blame me for trying, right? Of course, that's just high school for you--absolutely ridiculous. That would be the last time I would ever attempt to play matchmaker for William, who was apparently quite a bit more awkward than I had ever imagined if he was able to scare a girl like Kyra away.
Over time Christina and I would begin bickering over small things--seemingly insignificant things--yet there we would go, arguing away. Occasionally she would become angry enough that she would refuse to show her face amongst our group at all. I feel silly explaining it all to you at this point, really. I suppose this is where our differences really began to show--and in rather ugly ways. Christina was hellbent upon going to school dances, a ridiculous festivity with which I wanted nothing to do. There was nothing classy about those "dances" at all, and if you ask me they seem a lot more like giant orgies full of grinding whores and men desperate to get some action. Regardless, she insisted upon going to the winter ball, as much as I objected. She bought the tickets, and away I went--shanghaied.
The dance was as boring and ridiculously tacky as I had initially thought, but regardless I grinned and bore it ever so slightly with Christina. I didn't dance much, though, even though she kept begging me to do so. It seemed selfish of me, I know, but I wasn't willing to drop my convictions for the sake of some superficial and ridiculous excuse for a "dance." I had my morals, and still do to this day, and participating in these ridiculous oversize orgies was not one of them.
Eventually Christina got angry enough with me that she literally stormed off from the dance, dress and all, back toward her home. I didn't bother to go after her, as she had already made enough of an embarrassing scene as it was, so I was just left there to sit for a while until I received a ride home from her mother. Nobody quite understood my disdain for these school events, but perhaps you the reader can sympathize--if only just a little.
As the arguments went on I suppose you could say that the differences in character between Christina and I had begun to show--perhaps too well. I was a simpler man, who didn't care much for such superficial extravagances as outward appearance, social standing, or school dances for that matter. She, on the other hand, was just the opposite. She wanted to go to these such events to get the high school "experience." An experience that I cared nothing for, as a matter of fact. I suppose you could say that my thoughts tend to be on a much more profound and deep level, while her mindset was rather superficial.
Unfortunately, this would lead to a rather constant, and upsetting era of decline
between Christina and I.
Of course, it was also the December of that year in 2010 that I would meet somebody else who would continue to play a profound role in my life. Now this was back on my many forays in the realm of the internet, once more as I spent more of my time here on Gaia. Her name was Amanda, and when I met her here in Gaia Towns, I was clad in my Megaman Zero cosplay, while she was dressed as Megaman X. Naturally, I approached her and we began talking about each others' cosplay work (Gaia cosplaying had become a huge pastime for me, just for the record) and about our understanding of our characters. Eventually, she begged me to become part of her role play group and play the part of Zero. Of course, it was very minor involvement at first, but later Amanda and I would grow much closer together.
Amanda and I began talking every day, almost constantly. We exchanged phone numbers, spoke and text messaged each other constantly, and quite frankly I had never been so happy to speak to someone in a very long time. Eventually I had felt something I had never felt in a long time as well--I had begun to develop feelings for Amanda.
Now before I go any further I understand how completely wrong this was, and I should never have allowed it to happen in the first place, but regardless, it happened. I'm not particularly proud of it either. I'm not proud of anything from my past, honestly. The things I am about to tell you are no exception. I won't paint myself as anything short of the guilty man that I am. I am simply explaining things to you from my perspective--through my eyes.
Things had begun to heat up between Amanda and I, and before I knew it she had developed the same feelings for me. At this point, I felt trapped. What would I do? Would I proceed to chase after Amanda--someone I barely knew--or would I remain loyal to the woman who I swore my loyalty to from the very first day we got together? Though Amanda and I had only just met a couple of months prior to all of this, we could relate to each other on a level that I had never related with anybody before. I was terrified of hurting those I care about as well, especially in a way such as this.
Eventually, I made my decision. Before anything could get any further, and before Christina and I could grow and more distant, I chose to remain with her. Christina had always been upset at me for my involvement with Amanda, but at the very least I can honestly tell you that I had prevented myself from taking things too terribly far.
Of course, Amanda was hurt by my decision, and she would then drop from my sight for quite some time. I remember spending my days wondering how things would have been if I had chosen her, but then I remembered my loyalty to Christina. Never before had I ever been so torn on a matter. I felt awful for what happened between Amanda and I, and I wanted nothing more than to make good on the whole thing. My chance would eventually later come with Amanda, but as it was with Savannah years earlier, it was never quite the same. To this day we remain friends, but never again would we ever become quite so close.
Naturally after this encounter with Amanda, Christina began to distrust me in many of my affairs. She demanded access to several of my accounts and many aspects of my personal life. Of course I felt this a bit invasive, so I proceeded to negotiate other ways through which we may be able to trust each other without having to resort to such extremes. Of course after that first breach it was never quite the same between Christina and I again either.
Regardless, we continued to spend the months together, and for a time everything seemed alright. A bit wobbly at times, but I was willing to put up with it. After all, I understand Christina's reaction after such a close brush with another woman, and even having separated from Christina for a short time as a result. I'm not going to attempt to paint myself as a hero here as I've said, only to explain things to you through my perspective.
Of course, then came time for prom. As I mentioned earlier I care nothing for school dances of any kind, and this includes prom. No matter how much a girl might dream of her "prom night," I will never see it as anything more than selfishness and debauchery. Perhaps if these things had a bit more class about them I might have a different opinion of them, but such is not the case here.
I was forced--literally forced--to attend prom with Christina. It was either go with her, or she would go with another boy, and I could never allow that. They paid for my ticket, my tuxedo rental, and even transported Christina and I to the dance itself. Try as I did to enjoy at least a portion of it, as it was located at a technical museum that I used to love going to as a kid, I just couldn't bring myself to thoroughly enjoy any of it. Christina and I enjoyed the dinner that was provided for us while there, and wandered around the museum for the majority of the night. I refused to go anywhere near the dance floor, as I would have nothing to do with the ridiculous noise passing itself off for music, let alone the so-called "dancing" of it all.
By the end of prom night we bid each other goodnight, and that was that--the end of it. That night was an utter nightmare to me, but at least I tried to make it as good as possible on her. Tried to, mind you.
Ever since prom night Christina seemed to hold some kind of grudge with me, despite telling me at the end of the night that she did in fact have a good time. She insisted that I "ruined" prom for her, that I didn't do enough for her.
Naturally, we only barely made it to our third anniversary, but it really isn't much to talk about considering at the time we were still rather uneasy with each other. I was amazed that we even made it this far in one piece at this point. It was full of tension, but deep down I still loved her, and I fully intended to make good on my word to her. I intended to stick with her through thick and thin, as any relationship ought to.
Now then, what I am about to write to you is incredibly difficult for me to say, as it is quite complicated, and yet not so complicated at the same time.
You see, I had been hanging around Virtual Hollywood here on Gaia for some time, simply trolling about and messing with the silly little wannabe gangster kids who hung out there. If you were a regular patron of that area back in its booming days, you know what I'm talking about. Anyway, it was during this time that I got involved in a small social group that I had inadvertently formed while out on my escapades. We all congregated at the club by the bar, trolling away at the little kiddies who thought they were hot stuff for drinking pixel alcohol. It was quite amusing, really, but getting back to the point. I met another woman by the name of Whitney during my time there. She had been a part of the group for some time before the two of us had begun to talk more. Once more I felt my feelings for Christina wavering in favor of this new woman, even though I knew they shouldn't have. Once more I was being treated as I had always wanted to be--like a human being. Like my contributions mattered, and like there was nothing wrong with my personality, as Christina had seemed to imply. Before I knew it, I had decided that I would run off with Whitney, after much thought and irritation, although apparently not enough thought. My actions with Whitney took place while I was still in a relationship with Christina, and off I went. I betrayed her. I betrayed my promise to her from the very start. I remember feeling so awful about everything, seeking comfort wherever I could find it, but it was nowhere to be found. Whitney had betrayed me after staging a huge dramatic bit with her "ex boyfriend"--leaving me in my shame, left all alone.
I discovered later that Whitney had turned me in to Christina, and as a result Christina was utterly furious, and that was it. She left me that day in a fit of anger. I felt so incredibly ashamed of my actions I remember just wanting to end it all that night. After all, I had failed. I was a failure as a man, and as a boyfriend.
I spent the next several weeks by myself--alone--as Christina proceeded to run off going out with other boys as if to just brush me off. Though who could blame her? I was about to do something unspeakable, and she found out. So there I was, alone. I spent time with other friends here and there, hanging out with people like William, Anastasia and even Jeremy, who I had grown closer to as a friend and as a brother. I had grown to become quite a prominent part of our little social clique, which at the time consisted of myself, William, Jeremy, and Kyra. I commanded quite a deal of respect among them, but that was all about to change.
When they caught wind of Christina and I's breakup, eventually they learned the details as to why, and as a result much of their respect for me dwindled. All except for Jeremy, who had the graciousness to accept me despite my failure, and believe in me. Where would I be without him, right? He was like a brother to me, and I will always be grateful for his company. It doesn't make anything I did alright, though, but he understood that and accepted me anyway.
It was the beginning of my Senior year at this point, and the group seemed to splinter after all of the recent drama. Christina and I had finally begun to talk again after about a month or so of being separated, so I suppose after that it wasn't all that bad. We hung out a few times even, but as nothing more but friends.
I hung out with Kyra a few times as well, although inadvertently spending much of that time as just she and I. I had always gotten the subtle feeling over the time that she liked me, but her personality was just far too clashing with my own to ever be able to get along with her on that level. Kyra, you see, was an outspoken liberal and an atheist at that. I would frequently become annoyed with her constant babbling on and on about how much she hated Christians and how stupid Conservatives were. Naturally, as a Conservative Christian myself, it didn't go over well with me.
Eventually I confirmed my suspicion that Kyra actually liked me, but of course I wanted nothing to do with a relationship of that level. Especially since I was also saving myself for Christina, should she ever choose to return. I never did tell her personally, though. I had to allow Jeremy to let it slip, but I suppose it never really went over well with Kyra, as she and I never really spoke since then. She had the strangest disdain for me after that, as if every shred of respect for me had left--simply because I said no to her. To this day we haven't really spoken, and I suppose at that point our friendship ended.
A bit more time passed and Christina and I had gotten together as friends for yet another bit of time together at her house. This time, though, I had finally convinced her to take me back. I was happier than ever having finally received a chance to redeem myself to her, to prove to her that I never intended things to go the way they did. Although looking back I suppose those were all the wrong reasons to pursue someone who you had previously betrayed, isn't it? Regardless, off we went, once more together after being separated for the second time.
It went alright for some time. Things actually seemed like they might just return to normal even. Of course, nothing was ever really to be the same between Christina and I. I sometimes wonder how we even did it again to this day. We still fought, and now she had more ammo than ever. She always held what I did to her against me, and from then on it began to feel more like I was her prisoner than anything else.
Of course, then there was Monique. Monique was one of the friends I had made at the Virtual Hollywood bar where I would usually hang out with my group of friends. Our chemistry started off rather strangely--in fact, I hated her at first. She would always bug me and act annoying, but after a while we somehow became friends. She was such a silly young girl, not exactly the most conventional of people, but profound on all the right levels. She was an aspiring artist, having drawn much in her life, who had hoped to make a career in the field someday.
At the time, she was in a long distance relationship--a VERY long distance relationship. She was seeing a boy who lived in France, although this boy had a rather sketchy background in the first place if you ask me. I do feel awful, though. It began between Monique and I as just myself giving her advice in her relationship. The more I learned of her, though, the more I began to want her for myself, and so there I went. The more Monique and I spoke of her relationship, the more I shared with her about mine and my own struggles for many of the same reasons. We had something of a shared past, Monique and I. Of course, now the question remained whether or not to go through with everything. Ultimately, I ended up going for it, and proceeded to chase after Monique, although under Christina's nose I regret to admit.
So there I went, destroying an entire relationship for the selfish desire of obtaining Monique for myself--and I succeeded. Once Monique was free, I needed only break off ties with Christina in order to be with her myself, and so I did. As horrible and selfish it was of me as I now look back, I broke it off with Christina yet again after another long argument, and off I went to be with Monique after spending a few weeks alone to adjust myself. Of course Christina did her usual thing as well of not even waiting more than a couple of days before putting herself back out there for other men. At the very least I could say that I waited for things to cool off before making any kind of move at all.
I really don't know why I'm writing this part to you, honestly. I hate this part. I'm so ashamed of it, but at the same time it's incredibly heavy on my heart, and I need to get it out. If I'm going to tell you anything about me, I might as well give you the whole story, as ashamed of it all as I am.
Now then, before I go any further I must once more wind back the pendulum just a bit to explain something more to you all. This was to be yet another of my emotional struggles over the passing several years. Do you remember Jocelynn who I mentioned earlier? Well, she went by Jocey, but you get the point. She sat behind me in biology class sophomore year, just to refresh your memory. At some point mid Junior year I decided to once again attend a youth group at the church my parents had now been going to. It was there that I discovered that Jocey had attended the very same youth group. Ironically enough, she sat in front of me this time. After taking a bit of time to confirm whether or not it was really her, I spotted the same familiar camouflage cap that she had worn to school for several days prior to our encounter. I hadn't spoken to her since we worked together on a certain group project at the end of Sophomore year in biology, so I was a bit at a loss for words, but there she stood. She was rather tall in comparison to myself, with long brown hair. She was of a fairer beauty than I had ever seen before. I don't know exactly how to put it, but something about her just seemed right.
Anyway, Jocey and I had been spending a lot of time together over the summer just before Senior year at youth group pool parties along with a friend of hers named Savita and our new "pet" freshman, Heather. After having spent the summer parties together she became the person I would spend my lunches with during senior year at school. She was the only one gracious enough to take me in and integrate me with her little group, bless her heart. She would even share parts of her lunch with me, since I never really ate lunch at school at all. She was a good friend, and a wonderful person to be around really. I would go so far as to call her an angel even.
So, why am I telling you all of this about Jocey? Because at the time I was preparing myself to engage in a relationship with Monique, Jocey did the most unexpected thing I had ever seen from her--she told me that she really liked me. Now just hours earlier on that very day she had slipped me a valentine card that she made in her spanish class. I couldn't read a word of it naturally (I took French instead), so I just sort of kept it with me, not even knowing who it was that gave it to me in the first place--apparently it was her.
I had no idea what to do at that point. I had already gone to so much trouble to get together with Monique, destroyed a relationship over it even (two of them, if you want to count my own with Christina). I was terrified to hurt anyone else, but a decision had to be made. Ultimately I decided to go with Monique and see how things would go there for the time being. Unfortunately, it just wasn't quite the same. From that point on I had spent my days wondering how things would have been if I had said yes to Jocey--if I hadn't had to do what I did. I still beat myself up over it to this day actually.
As I mentioned some time ago about long distance relationships, it's never quite the same once you've experienced the real deal. Having to watch Christina be so happy with other boys--slobbish boys, mind you--I just couldn't take it. It was nothing against Monique, in fact to this day I bear absolutely no ill feeling toward her at all, but I had to have Christina back. After all, she was the woman I had given everything to--the whole of me. After all this time I had finally convinced Christina once more to mend things, and get back together with me. Things didn't quite work out with her and the other slobs she had seen in the past. They're not worth mentioning any of their names, as they were all the same to me. Shallow, pathetic and only after one thing--I'm sure you know what that is.
So off I went with Christina once more, only there was one problem--I hadn't taken Monique completely out of the picture yet.
Of course, I was still afraid to do anything. So for weeks it carried on this way, switching back and forth between Monique and Christina as though nothing were happening, at least that was what I had convinced myself. I didn't want to hurt anyone. I suppose you could just call me a coward, really.
Eventually I learned the hard way that I can't just run from my problems like that. I should have done something, because eventually Monique took things into her own hands. She told everything, and not just to Christina, she told my parents too. Now it was all out, and everyone knew. My family, my friends, everything seemed so awful. I thought it was over at that point, as Christina once again left me along with Monique--who I still haven't heard hide or hair from ever since. Rightfully so though, I suppose. I guess I never really did learn, did I? Just a great big screw-up. In fact, looking back to the mess I had caused over Savannah years earlier, it all seemed the same. I lied, I ran, and I made mistakes that I still regret to this day as being absolutely moronic of me.
I had lost it all once again, and I was left all along once more--absolutely nothing. And I deserved every bit of it.
I found myself wandering alone and by myself for quite some time, having no further company other than that of my closest friend, Jeremy. Even spending time with him didn't quite do much though. I had to go my own way, and I was still hellbent on redeeming myself, if only to myself.
I hated myself for what I had done. I hated everything I had done. I wasn't going to try to justify any of it--it was all wrong of me, and I deserved what I got.
So there you have it, my story thus far. It isn't quite over yet, but I'm going to end it right here, as I don't feel I can go any further for the time being.
I'm not a hero. I'm not perfect. In the end, I am simply human. I am as flawed as any other human being, and I suppose looking back I had become everything I hated. In fact, there was no question about it--I had. I was utterly disgusted with myself, and that was that.
Some of you may not like me anymore by the time you read to the end of this entry as well, if you've even bothered to read this far into my blunders, but that's alright.
I had deserved what I had gotten. Every last bit of it.
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