To any of the friends that I may have left after reading the last entry, I would wholeheartedly like to thank you. Whether you just felt like reading the rest or if you legitimately felt sympathy on this poor sinner matters not to me; I'm just glad you're still here.
So, there I was, all by myself--alone. It would continue like this for quite a while, and I really don't know much of what to write to you about this, because in truth I didn't really accomplish much over this time. I had graduated high school at this time, so I was off and on my way into the larger world. I had applied for a small cadet unit in my local police department as a side volunteer project to get me on my way toward a career in law enforcement. I don't quite know exactly what got me first interested in being a police officer, but I suppose it was just my guardian instinct. I wanted to do my part to protect the people, and the city, that I loved so dearly.
I made it into the program, and still remain there to this day, but that's not really the point here.
I don't really remember much else of what I did, but that's probably because I didn't really do much. I hung out with Jeremy every now and then to try to clear my head, explaining my story to him all the while, even though I knew he would never quite understand. In fact, more often than not he got upset with me for bringing it up so much. I kind of feel bad for Jeremy, having to put up with my senseless whining like that.
There was no anniversary with Christina that year, as you could probably guess I had been left alone by that point. Instead, I spent the day in reflection, and not much unlike the way I'm spending my time right now: writing long-winded confessionals, pouring my heart and soul out in the desperate hopes that she would one day decide to read, and perhaps understand them. To this day I never really knew if she did, and those same confessionals now sit on an old account of mine that has since been abandoned--untouched.
Well, some months passed and I again found myself with the opportunity to reclaim my past and to correct my mistakes. I had decided to visit Christina, who herself was hard at work studying in order to finish her two years of community college on time. I never quite understood her obsession with perfection, but then I suppose that was just her personality all along--a perfectionist, and a very obsessive perfectionist at that.
Anyway, I had finally come to visit Christina to once again reconcile myself with her. Fortunately, she finally agreed, and once more we were reunited. I don't know why I kept going back to her, honestly, but there was just something about her. There was just a certain something that felt as if it were meant to be--that because we kept coming back to each other, despite the most dire adversities, it must be special. Having convinced myself a very long time before that this was the woman I was going to marry, I suppose I just went along with it.
Once again though, unfortunately, Christina just couldn't seem to allow herself to let go of the past and really trust me again. Although I can't really blame her after everything I had done. It still hurt, though. I felt as though I was trapped within my own past, and that I would never really rise above it ever again. I was a prisoner of my own actions--of my own sin. Regardless I pushed on, and things eventually didn't seem too bad. I just had to keep reminding her that these things happened, and that I had promised never to be that man again. After all, I think making the same mistake twice over tends to teach one a lesson if the first time didn't get it through enough. I was a pretty thick headed kid, after all.
I would frequently stay over at her house overnight, keeping her company while her mother worked overnights with the airline that she worked for. It all seemed rather nice, getting to spend so much time with her. It was as though we were actually married and living together. At least, that's how I viewed the time we got to spend at her house together--just the two of us. We would frequent one of our favorite restaurants nearby her house: a small sushi place that had the most magnificent sushi rolls. It was a pretty good place, actually. Surprisingly Christina and I seemed to get along better than ever, really. I was convinced that we would finally get to be happy together, that I had finally gotten my chance.
My last significant memory with Christina was on New Years Eve, 2012. We had always wanted to spend a New Years Eve together, enjoying the idea of how romantic it would be to be able to share a New Years kiss. It was a pleasant day for us, really. It started as any of our other days together at her house would have. We sat together, talked, played games on her laptop and watched silly videos on youtube. When we weren't watching silly videos on her computer, we were watching random channels on the TV. It doesn't seem like much to you the reader I'm sure, but to us it was quite significant bonding time.
I remember making dinner with her that evening and feeling happier than ever. I had finally begun to picture what a life with Christina would be like, and it all seemed so perfect.
Finally the countdown arrived, as Christina and I sat together as the ball dropped and the New Year finally came. It was 2013 now, so I suppose all those crazy nutjobs who thought the world was going to end in 2012 were feeling pretty stupid at this point, but that isn't the point of my little story here. At the stroke of midnight, Christina and I finally shared our first New Years kiss, after four years of not having the chance to do so before, and it felt so right. We ended the night laying in bed together, having hours of conversation as we normally did before finally falling asleep together, just she and I.
By mid January, however, things got ugly again. Our happiness always did seem rather fleeting after all that had happened, but regardless I enjoyed what I could. It seemed like she was back to mentioning my past to me, over and over again. She would never trust me with anybody, and I couldn't even so much as say hello to another woman without Christina barking at me for it. Again, I won't fault her for doing so, but it was more than I could bear--I had finally had enough. A few times I had come close to breaking it off with her during a few of our dates, as I had grown angry enough that I felt sorely tempted to do so, but I never found the heart to do so. Finally, on January the 15th, 2013, I ended things with Christina once and for all. I suppose she wasn't the one after all. That I had been a fool this entire time, hopelessly clinging to a doomed relationship, but who knows?
I still felt awful about it all, though. I had to break my promise to her that I made so long ago, that I would never be the one to end things should things get ugly. Worst of all I had broken hear heart yet again; something I still live with in guilt to this very day. We tried to remain friends for a while, telling each other that neither of us would date anybody else unless we could both be happy about it, but I suppose it never did quite work out. Christina and I would hang out a few times afterward, but it always ended up in some awkward hookup between the two of us that felt more like a fling than anything else. That wasn't so to me, though. To me, I still loved her, and only did so because of that, but I suppose that was still completely selfish of me. Finally I decided I had to move on. I had to correct one more mistake of mine, feeling that there was no longer any hope for Christina and I. I had decided that, after so long, I would follow my feelings for Jocey, which up until then I had always kept in the back of my mind, as my feelings for Christina would always come first.
Unfortunately, though, Jocey had plans to leave for Ohio for some time. Not even she knew when exactly she would return, as it was a one way ticket. Hard pressed for much of anything else, all I could do was make my feelings known to her, and so I did. She wasn't entirely sure herself at first, as she had never experienced a relationship before, but at least she was willing to accept me despite my regretful decision I made with her a year prior. It wouldn't be until some time later that my relationship with Jocey would really begin.
For the entire time Jocey was away I felt anxious. I had wondered if she would ever come back, if she really did have the same feelings for me that I did for her. All I could do was hope, and write to her as often as I could. We emailed back and forth for a while, but it wasn't too often that she got the chance to really talk to me.
Christina and I would remain friends--or at least attempt to. We still spoke regularly, and talked to each other about a mixture of things. It seemed to me like I had really made a significant impact in Christina's life--that I had done something positive for her after all this time of hurt and regret. She had been attending church for some time, and back while we were still dating we would even accompany each other. She really did seem more mature, more profound, as if she really cared. All of that would prove to be for naught later, though.
Jocey had finally returned after having spent six whole weeks in Ohio with her sister. It was at that point that Jocey and I officially started dating, I suppose you could say. Our meetings became more frequent, but not too terribly frequent. Once a week maybe if I was lucky, as Jocey had a fairly busy week schedule herself. She still does to this day, for that matter. And to this day Jocey and I remain together, happier than ever, and only growing more so by the day.
Of course, once Christina had caught wind of my new relationship with Jocey, she was devastated. She had thought that since I had decided to engage in a new relationship that I had somehow betrayed her, and in a way I suppose I had. Christina was alone, and I was happy with someone else. Although I suppose you could say the shoe was finally on the other foot, as this very same circumstance is what she would frequently do to myself during the times that she left me. I know it doesn't quite justify breaking a poor woman's heart, but through my perspective she wasn't entirely innocent herself. I guess you could say our entire relationship was a mess--doomed from the start. Yet somehow we hung on, lasting nearly five years, and all of my high school years together in one way or another.
Christina had left my company completely after that, and to this day she remains distant--not a single peep. Even still, not a day goes by that I don't think of her, and wonder just how she's doing or what she may be up to. After all, the years we spent together cannot be so easily forgotten. At least, that's how I thought of things anyway.
So there I was, left without one whom I loved, and still love to this day. I had lost her forever. I can never love Christina the same way anymore, though, but I will still always love her. I have Jocey now, though, and I'm happier than ever with her. I could never have possibly asked for a more accepting, more loving woman who was willing to take me in despite my past. Despite everything I had experienced before, she still saw the best in me and nothing else. She was a great blessing to me in a time of need--a guardian angel, just as she had always been, and I shall always love her for that.
I suppose I did get that chance to start over after all. But at what cost? I often think this to myself, but I suppose it's irrelevant now.
I did get to see Christina one last time, though. Not too long ago actually. Oddly enough I discovered this shortly after learning of her graduation from her two years at community college, so I had been thinking of her that whole week. I suppose fate has strange ways, doesn't it?
It was the end of May of 2013, and I was attending the usual convention I always attended with several friends of mine--including Christina. This year, though, I had gone with only a single one of my friends: my "pet" freshman, Heather. Heather wasn't a freshman anymore at this point as I'm sure you know, but she will always be seen to me in that way. It's not in an "ownership" sort of way as much as it is just for fun, and for memory's sake.
It was Saturday, May 25th that Christina decided to text me explaining to me that she was coming to fanime that day with one of her friends. I didn't know what to think at this point, really. We hadn't spoken in months, and now here she was--a chance to actually speak to her personally again. Like a fool clinging to the past I took the bait, and finally ran into her while browsing stores in the dealers hall. She had looked as beautiful as I had always remembered, but there was something different about her now. When we spoke, there was nothing in her voice. No fondness, no hint of being happy to see me again--nothing. Her tone seemed so blank and emotionless toward me it pierced deeper than any blade possibly could--right down to my very soul. We exchanged a few words, and sat with each other for a while along with her friend and another friend of his whom he had apparently met online.
I remember sitting there, feeling like little more than a ghost. I was a ghost from the past, both hers and my own. I felt completely empty, as though I were nothing, and I suppose that's precisely what I was to her now--nothing. Five years we had now known each other, and just like that I meant nothing to her. She acted different now as well. The once seemingly profound Christina that I had thought had actually begun to see something beyond herself was now gone, and she was as petty and childish as she was on the day that I had met her. Only now do I see that she hadn't really changed at all--nothing about her had.
They say you never really stop loving someone. You either always will, or you never did. I suppose, in her case, it was the latter. In the end she was merely a childish fool, and a coward--afraid to be alone. She was willing to drop everything she had experienced with me and change face completely, all to keep the company of new friends and perhaps defend herself from the heartbreak she had endured because of me, but I suppose I will never truly know the reason why she'd forgotten me. I could never have done such a thing, though. Despite the heartbreak, I could never forget five years of history, especially not the good of it all. After all, it's because of those fond memories that I'm still here, writing to you now to this day. That is precisely why I retain those memories to this day, and have written them down for you to read.
I now find myself asking several questions as I sit here, writing my story to you as it has now finally caught up to the present day.
Had she really changed at all? For that matter, had I?
Looking back at all my mistakes I can see a pattern in them now. A pattern of fear of loss, and of lies. I see the very same mistakes I made with Savannah so many years ago being repeated before my very eyes as I had written them down for you to read. This brought me to an even bigger question.
Do people really change at all? Or do we simply change face as we learn how to behave in various situations? Deep down, are we all truly any different than we were five years ago? Or ten? Or twenty? I live with this question now, every day of my life, and to this day I have yet to find an answer. All I can do is use this experience to change what I can, and try my hardest never to make the same mistakes again--to end the pattern. This is all I can hope and pray for anymore at this point. It's all any of us can really do in the end.
In the end, we're all the same--human. Flawed, imperfect, repetitive human beings. Some of us perhaps bound to repeat the same mistakes for the rest of our lives, while others strive to become something better.
I pray that you, the reader, strive to be the latter. I pray that none of you make the mistakes I had made, and that you might learn from the past, as I now endeavor to learn from my own.
If you've made it this far, I sincerely thank you all for your time. You have truly listened, and have had far more patience than most of the individuals I have met in my life, of whom I mentioned or even others whom I did not.
I shall continue to update my journal with my thoughts and perhaps a story or two, but for now, take this story with you. I pray you take it to heart now, and go in peace, having heard the sad tale of yet another human being struggling to become something more than he could possibly hope to be.
In the end, that's what we all are I suppose--only human.
My name is Christopher, and I am a human being, just like everybody else.
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