I've been noticing things lately, the more I seem to accept my personal defaults the more seem to show up. Maybe it's just my mental instability giving into paranoia, but I feel like I'm being watched all the time. Maybe it's just the ghosts maybe it's my mind, or something else. I can't describe how being alone this long with my mind is like. I guess torture but it's more than that. It's a pain sure and it hardly stops yes, but it's slightly enjoyable. Madness is contagious though so maybe it is a good thing I am so completely isolated. I might infect other people with this magnetic personality I seem to have. The reason for my existence I still do not know. I question it still sure, but not as much. As I have let my mind go I really just sit back now, watching other people and wondering things. The things my mind conjures up might be horrible to some people I assume but the curiosity is overwhelming. Being alone though has kept me from doing anything....well violent. These urges have been actually containable now though. I guess giving into the idea of temptation destroys temptation itself. I don't feel like that made much sense. Oh well really the point I'm trying to make I guess would be that my urges are no longer urges more like....goals? No I never really like that word they're more like....aspirations... Something that I hope I might have the chance to do one day, but I wont be crushed if they never happen. Though at the rate my curiosity is growing I assume I will end up.....well how to explain how I will end up? Hard to say really, how about I say that I can see in the dark now? Wow that sounds incredibly lame. Oh well I always excelled at being lame, maybe I'll make myself laugh when I reread this. Are you laughing? Maybe you're in a serious mood wondering what you felt, probably with a headache. I know I continue to have them daily now. Poundings in my head each giving a new idea. Do you remember the thing behind you or at least it feels like it's behind you. Don't worry it's not there. Stop scaring yourself. Stop counting to eight, you don't have OCD. You know the idea of killing your family isn't going to get you anywhere, what are you going to do when they die? Nothing, even though you do nothing now. You will have a peak at someone's insides soon I promise. Just relax have a drink, cut yourself a bit. After all there is no better test subject than yourself. Well maybe not cut if you're still feeling like I am right now, it's time for a new pain. I know you know what I am thinking, after all we're one and the same. Don't worry it'll only hurt a lot trust me.
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