Then a few days ago, it finally hit me. At some point my mother contracted Boonitis pyrexia, otherwise known as “Country Fever.”
The signs of this disease are not all known, but the most obvious sign is an unhealthy obsession with country music. At first, the symptoms are mild; the victim will only passively like tolerable country artists like Johnny Cash. This is what is commonly known as “stage 1.”
If left untreated, this will escalate into “stage two.” The victim will develop a liking for some of the more annoying artists like Dixie Chicks and artists who aren’t technically country, but nevertheless have a ‘white trash’ feel to them, like Nickelback, Creed, and Dave Matthews Band. The victim will feel at home in a rural backwater county in central California or Texas. Eventually this will escalate to “stage 3” where the victim will begin to crave bullshit like Taylor Swift, Rascall Flats, Carrie Underwood, SHEdaisy, Billy Ray Cyrus. The victim will then undergo a transformation into a full-blown inbred redneck dipshit. He will let the grass grow in his yard, drive a truck that hasn't been serviced in twelve years, go yard sale hopping, speak in a Dixie accent, and take potshots at passing democrats while wearing a wife-beater while his wife is making possum-stew with grandma's secret recipe that involves using a crock-pot, used condoms, rattlesnake venom, and goat urine.
If left further untreated, the end results could be disastrous:
That’s right, the horrifying state known as “stage 4.” Prolonged listening of country music will eventually leave the victim in a vegetative state. The victim will become addicted to shitty beer and his a** will secrete porcelain. A shotgun blast to the left temple is the only effective treatment at this point.
It is evident at this point that if you or someone you know has a penchant for country music, you or your acquaintance display signs of boonitis pyrexia and should consult with a doctor immediately.
Fortunately, there’s hope for you. I have compiled a list of several known prevention and treatment medications:
For anyone over the age of 12, I recommend 4 to 6 songs from any album every six hours, depending on body mass and height. For children under the age of 12, the recommended dose is about 1 to 3, again depending on body mass and height. Feel free to exceed the recommended daily dose, as it actually helps hasten the treatment. Side effects include increased I.Q., surging feelings of confidence, and good taste. If you are an expectant mother, consult a gynecologist to find out if this treatment is right for you.
