Scooby-Doo Sucks
An accurate representation of the entire gang, minus the shitty van.
Note (03/10/2012): I wrote this article a long time ago and had it stored away for months. Someone in a guild I frequently visit was talking about Scooby-Doo several months ago and I decided to write something to spite him and everyone else, but I let it go. However, this afternoon, I was browsing the media department of my local Target and got annoyed by a Scooby-Doo commercial that was playing, so I decided to finally post this. I really don't mind if you like Scooby-Doo, but I decided to go ahead with this anyway because I really think this franchise needs to die.
Scooby-Doo sucks. Watching this show makes me want to kick my own a**, club a baby seal, get my nuts kicked in by Bruce Lee, then consume a couple of cyanide pills and finish off the last several minutes of my life watching lesbian orgies and hating Laura Ingraham. Scooby-Doo is a classic example of why not everything retro is cool.
Every episode is the same stupid thing. It starts out with Scooby and his gang of dipshit teenagers having nothing better to do than party at malt shops and dance to boring psychedelic music. 60’s music is boring, except for the Beatles (and maybe The Who). Sepultura kicks the s**t out of The Grateful Dead and you know it. Then their shitty van breaks down/stops somewhere/gets in an accident/or some other bullshit happens that prompts the gang to investigate the area. They learn of a local haunting or supernatural phenomenon going on that coincidentally every person in town seems to believe and is afraid of. The gang decides to solve a “mystery.”
Against all survival and safety logic, they decide to split up, usually with Fred sticking with Velma and Daphnie (yeah, you’re not hiding anything at all, Freddy) and Shaggy gets stuck with his dog and right hand. Shaggy and Scooby usually go somewhere to stuff their glutinous faces, then, in comes the monster or whatever and they both run like scared little bitches. Hate Scrappy all you want, but at least he had the right idea of staying behind and fighting the monster. I would’ve stayed behind and kicked the monster’s a** too, especially since it was interrupting my meal. Then I would hang Scrappy on a pole and use him for a punching bag.
Shag and Scooby run back to Freddy and his bitches and all of a sudden one of them stumbles upon some arbitrary clue, like a condom or something, and Fred concludes that there is something out of the ordinary about a condom in the middle of a household during the sexual revolution. Velma usually points out some random fact about the clue, usually spouting “Jinkies” and while she’s shooting her mouth off, you keep wondering three things: 1) did anybody actually say “jinkies” in the 60’s, 2) does anybody still say “jinkies” and think it’s cool (if you do, you need a punch in the jaw), and 3) why are people still watching this crap?
Then they set a trap, nothing goes as planned, but they catch the monster anyway, and then out of the blue decide to pull on the thing’s head and see if it’s just a mask. Sure enough, it is a mask, and the monster turns out to be some random criminal who laments at how he “could’ve gotten away with it too if it weren’t for those blasted teenagers and their s**t-eating dog” or something along those lines. Amazing. A random criminal in a goofy Halloween costume could fool trained police officers and detectives who have been doing their jobs for twenty years, but couldn’t fool a bunch of curfew-violating teenagers and their dog who fails at English like all dogs do.
BORING. BORING. BORING. I tried watching old episodes recently, only to remember how much Scooby-Doo sucks and how I’ve been more entertained poking dead birds with a stick. The plots are ridiculous, the jokes aren’t funny, the animation is poor, the characters are lame and one-dimensional (even Daphnie; not lesbian enough), the words “jinkies” and “zoinks” are two words I have yet to hear anyone say and make them sound cool, and the dog pisses me off every time he opens his mouth. The only thing entertaining about this show is…wait, nevermind. There is nothing entertaining about this show.
Here’s a list of things that are better than Scooby-Doo:
- Jabberjaw (It has a shark. Sharks rule. The shark even does a Curly impersonation, which is only slightly less annoying than a dog that begins every word with the letter “R.”)
- South Park
- Courage the Cowardly Dog
- Porn
- Staring at your ceiling
- Amnesia: The Dark Descent (something that’s actually scary)
- X-Men
- Sepultura (still kicks the s**t out of 60’s music)
- Making graphs and histograms in R Project, because using Excel to do such things is for failures.
- Punching babies
- Involving yourself in a head-on collision with no seat belt
- Porn
- Transformers
- Slayers
- Rambo III
- The New Adventures of Johnny Quest
- Bowling for Columbine
- Actually attending Columbine in 1999.
You read that right: this show wouldn’t even suck half as much if they just ditch van, grab some weapons, put on trench coats, and start spree-shooting jocks, killing policemen, and downloading music off the internet. And I hate Fred’s ascot. I can’t believe people used to think ascots looked good. ******** the 60’s.
Everything about Scooby-Doo sucks. The old cartoons suck, Scrappy sucks, Scooby-Snacks suck, the new cartoons suck, the movies suck. Scooby-Doo ******** sucks. Your childhood is a sham, almost nothing from the 60’s was cool, nobody likes you, and we all are going to die someday.
Get over it. Oh, and the Jetsons suck too. Flying cars in 2001, my a**. ******** liars. I blame communists. And Bush.
