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twisted Hello, my darling(non-existent) readers! Yes, you should be trembling in fear, after all my normal heart indents have been replace with the devil children of smileys! twisted Mwhahahaha!!! It's late, I'm tired, and men are idiots(for right now anyway). Thus I shall rant like I'm PMSing, even though I'm not. At the very least, I promise to give this rant some vision and goal instead of my usual scatterbrained ramblings. Though since my journal is titled The Ramblings of a Woman, perhaps that would be counter-productive...

evil Anyway...I want a companion...that sounds dirty. Rephrase time! I'm lonely. Not in the I'm-a-sad-little-emo-child-with-no-friends-and-the-world-hates-me-kind-of-way, but in the I-have-a-great-group-of-very-supporting-friends-and-family,-but-I'd-like-something-a-little-different,-a-little-more. Something called a boyfriend. I have great friends and a loving, if dysfunctional, family. The thing is though, my friends and family don't fill the needs that a boyfriend would. And I'm not talking about those needs you, perverts! I want someone whom I can learn and get to know. Someone who I can talk to about books and history; things that while my loved ones can hold decent conversations in, they don't share my passions. Someone who I can talk to about hopes and dreams. About likes and dislikes in a way that isn't platonic friendship.

evil You see, I feel like I have hit a rut with my life. It's a happy rut, but it's not complete. Within my group of friends and family, I am the mature responsible mother hen. Forever there for her friends and willing to fight for them even when they have given up on themselves. And I'm okay with that. I've worked hard to get there. I like knowing my friends feel comfortable coming to me about or during difficult situations. I love knowing that people feel that I can be trusted and be counted on. The problem is that, I take so much time caring for others and worrying about my loved ones that I'm left aching for someone to care for me. I know my friends do and I know my family does. But I'd like to be someone's special person. I can share things with my friends and all, but I'd like someone where I could feel a deep kind of personal connection with. Someone to share little things with.

stressed I don't know. I guess I just want to have that adventure of slowly getting to know someone else. Of learning his likes/dislikes, his quirks and passions. I want to meet someone new and without any previous knowledge of them. The guys that live in my town...Well, its not a very big town, to say the least. They are either too old or too young or...I've known them too long. See, the ones that don't fit the too old, too young motif are boys who are familiar enough with me to either respect me enough to think I wouldn't give them a chance, off limits, my ex's, or I wouldn't touch them with a forty foot stick. My ex's are so few that I suppose I shouldn't even mention them, but I feel like I must. I don't date much. I got led on by one guy, who I didn't actually date, and got hurt bad. Because of him, I didn't date for awhile. One guy was the best thing that ever happened to me, we broke up but are great friends and I love him greatly(in a brother/sister kind of way). Then the other guy wasn't ready for a relationship so I broke up with him, but due to circumstances we have to see him everyday and therefore many people thought we were still dating even when we weren't. Other boys fall into the friend's ex, crush, current/on-off again bf, or too much of a playboy status; thus making them off limits. Others are druggies or involved in other things that I'm trying to steer clear of. Then there's those darn little buggers that are all like "I respect you" blah blah.

scream No, I don't mean it in the they-turn-me-down-with-a-bad-line kind of way. These boys are kind and respectful to me when we interact. They treat me with dignity and value my opinion, but in romantic terms steer clear of me. I have often picked up the vibe that they sensed me to be off limits. In the ways I'm left feeling off limits varies. Some days, its a I feel like they look at me like a mother/sister. Other days, I feel like I'm looked at like something they'd like to have in the future(strong, independent, not a hoe), but right now they're content to stick with their easy little cheerleaders. Other times I feel like they think I wouldn't go for them if they tried, so they don't try. You have no idea how many shocked looks I get when I act flirty or show interest in someone.

xp Which leads us to the next part of the rant. Does anyone believe in relationships being intimate anymore? And I'm not talking sex, either. I mean, I've been raised and I believe in a relationship is something that is between two people; not the whole school, or neighborhood, or town. It is hard work, loving care, and something special. It's not a trophy or a badge. It's not suppose to be some well known town secret. So is it so weird that I don't wear my heart on my sleeve and that I don't flirt with every cute guy that I meet? That I want to get to know him and that I want him to get to know me? That I want to make him one in a million, not one million in one? That I want his mind and heart, not his p***s?


redface Sorry, got a little angsty there. I just want to get that feeling of warmth and happiness when someone remembers that I am capable of being something besides the Mother Hen, Caring Daughter, Angsty Young Woman, and Responsible, Dependable Friend. So yes, I admit. I have scoured Gaia looking for the boyfriend that can't be find here in my real life. And I'll probably do it again. And you probably think I'm a whiny little brat going through some phase and that I'll grow up some day and look back at this and be embarrassed. But I won't, because I refuse to be embarrassed for something that I feel this deeply and that is so basic as a need to love and be loved.

cry Exhausted,
cry cry cry cry Naoar