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PALE GIRL: Hi, I’m new here.

PALE BOY: I hate you. I love you. I want to eat you.

PALE GIRL: Let us go yearn for one another in the woods.


PALE GIRL: Did you just stop that van with your bare hands?

PALE BOY: No.

PALE GIRL: Yes you did.

PALE BOY: No I didn’t.

PALE GIRL: I saw you.

PALE BOY: You are clearly a crazy person.

PALE GIRL: I’m not.

PALE BOY: Look at me over here in the sunlight.

PALE GIRL: Ooooooh, sparkly.


PALE BOY: I am your darkest desire and your worst nightmare.

PALE GIRL: You’re a chocolate pony filled with algebra?


PALE GIRL: How old are you?

PALE BOY: I’m a 30-year old actor, playing a 90-year-old vampire, pretending to be a 17-year old teenager.

PALE GIRL: So you can buy beer?


PALE BOY: I’m dangerous.

PALE GIRL: I’m not afraid.

PALE BOY: I watch you while you sleep.

PALE GIRL: That’s disturbingly hot.

PALE BOY: I've killed people.

PALE GIRL: I love you unconditionally.

PALE BOY: I drive a Volvo.

PALE GIRL: I just remembered I have a thing I have to go to…


PALE BOY: You make me twitch and sulk.

PALE GIRL: You make me breathe through my mouth.

PALE BOY: I would like to take you on a date in a tree.


PALE BOY: I will refrain from doing anything un-gentlemanly, like killing and eating you.

PALE GIRL: I am dating the undead Jonas Brother.


PALE BOY: Do you see how fast I can run?

PALE GIRL: You look like a meth addict on a treadmill.

PALE BOY: You can’t run this fast.

PALE GIRL: Good. I’d hate to look that stupid.


PALE BOY: Us vampires like to play baseball.

PALE GIRL: Why?

PALE BOY: We suck at knitting.

PALE GIRL: Uh huh.

PALE BOY: See what I did there? “Suck at knitting.”

PALE GIRL: Yep, got that.


PALE GIRL: The Native American guys keep making wolf references.

PALE BOY: Shhhh. Those are sly nods to the fans who’ve read the other books.

PALE GIRL: There are more books?

PALE BOY: Yes, three more.

PALE GIRL: And we’re contractually obliged to appear in those films, too?

PALE BOY: Afraid so.

PALE GIRL: My agent is so dead.


BAD GUY VAMPIRE: I’m going to eat you. You can tell your boyfriend to avenge you.

PALE GIRL: Now? Or after I’m dead?

BAD GUY VAMPIRE: Well, not right now. I’m going to kill you right now.

PALE GIRL: Hmmm. Maybe I could leave a note for him. About the avenging?

BAD GUY VAMPIRE: Okay, that would work.


PALE BOY: Excuse me, some plot has come up. I must go wrassle this evil vampire.

PALE GIRL: Don’t mind me, I’ll be over here pining. And yearning. And bleeding.


PALE BOY: Would you like to go to prom with me?

PALE GIRL: Will there be a gazebo with fairy lights?

PALE BOY: Yes.

PALE GIRL: Will I feel like the most special, moody princess in the world?

PALE BOY: Yes.

PALE GIRL: Will there be synchronized group dancing?

PALE BOY: No.

PALE GIRL: Okay.


PALE GIRL: Our love is eternal.

PALE BOY: Our angst is interminable.

AUDIENCE: Our patience is finite.