I really hate myself lately. I can't help the way I feel, and I don't believe that I'm wrong for feeling the way I do, but I still hate myself for it.
I hate myself when she's mad at me, or when I hurt her feelings.
I very much wanted to kill myself last night.
I feel like I'm an idiot. I feel so stupid for being this idealistic all of my life. For believing that there is such a thing as 100% true love. For believing that there is someone out there that would love me enough to do anything for me. Someone who would love me as much as I love them.
I guess its my fault. Maybe I'm blind. Maybe I'm always completely wrong about these things. Maybe I AM controlling.
I hate myself so much. I wish I could die.
There are little parts of me in my head that tell me so many things, and since its part of me I believe a good bit of it. It hurts my feelings.
They say things like: I hate me, she hates you, I just want to die, it'll never work, neither of you will ever be happy, you'll never be happy,she doesn't care, no one can love you like that, she wants you to die, kill yourself, kill myself, I'm not good enough, it cant work, it wont work, you're supposed to be lonely, die.
I wish it wasn't like this. Am I crazy? Am I seeing things or situations that don't exist? This situation exists. Its very real to me. Is it real to her or have I just made it real to her? I don't know. I just want to be happy. ;.;
Scazarith Community Member 
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