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- a towel
- my wallet
- someone else's wallet
- somebody's wallet
- rope
- a lime-green No. 2 pencil
- a stopwatch
- lint
- shirt
- shoes
- service
- 12 oranges
- 11 oranges
- a church
- gravity
- Jean-Luc Picard
- the Constitution
- the color green
- holidays
- bad ideas
- better ideas
- a trash can
- mints
- 2 mints
- 2 mints and 34 seconds
- 34 seconds
- 33 seconds
- a hairdo
- lightbulbs
- not cake
- a beach
- an umbrella
- pockets
- 4 different radio stations
- a smile
- somebody else's smile
- creepiness
- awkwardness
- a dictionary
- a thesaurus
- matches!
- a baby rattle
- shock
- horror
- disgust
- synonyms
- antonyms
- pronouns!
- semicolons
- farewell letters
- sad poetry
- crappy poetry
- stray ampersands
- sandwiches
- a duck
- logic
- a calendar
- a Mayan calendar
- strategy
- a bukkit
- spellcheck
- MS Paint
- a flame shield
- the grammar hammar
- proper usage
- hatemails
- an ego
- my ego
- my awesome ego
- my sexy, awesome ego
- my ego can beat up your ego
- fightclubs
- booze
- a gullet
- my gullet
- the Kraken's gullet
- a list of things I carry at all times
- a colon
- more semicolons
- an abacus
- Swedish
- fake ketchup
- tap-dancing lessons
- tap-dancing shoes
- pirate regalia
- the Gospel of the FSM
- the Bible
- Jesus (he insists)
- metaphors
- foreshadowing
- sentence analysis
- a conclusion

Read it all the way through.
No, really. Do it.