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Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the free ones are handicapped.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.

It takes 46 muscles to frown but only 4 to flip 'em the bird.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers

You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'

Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

"Flying is simple. You just throw yourself at the ground and miss."

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.

Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.