The Poetry Colosseum: Dueling Grounds

The majority of our poll-answerers are both impeccably groomed, and in awe of Mahayr. Where, then, did you learn such good manners and good taste?

From my parent(s)! They done raised me right. :D	8.5%	[ 7 ]
From my peers, who were honorable, clean kids who demanded I shape up to fit in.	3.7%	[ 3 ]
I'm not part of your precious "majority." I am ill-kempt and surly and very unpleasant to be around!	8.5%	[ 7 ]
From my teachers at school. They really had, uh...class! XD	7.3%	[ 6 ]
I'm a self-made awesomeness. I already knew!	28.0%	[ 23 ]
From gazing upon the brilliance of somebody really wonderful and striving to be like them.	6.1%	[ 5 ]
Less than three but at least one of the above.	2.4%	[ 2 ]
More than three of the above.	9.8%	[ 8 ]
Oh, okay, FINE I'll put it in this poll too. >_< Buttsecks. Happy now?	13.4%	[ 11 ]
Everything I ever needed to know, I learned at the Colosseum.	12.2%	[ 10 ]
Total Votes:			[ 82 ]

[Chiara_Scuro]

Hmm... My win/loss record isn't doing very well is it? sweatdrop Good job alterdayshift! 'Twas fun while it lasted.

[BlueBus]

CRITIQUE

Of the duel between alterdayshift (Defender) and Chiara_Scuro (Challenger).

ALTERDAYSHIFT, Leaving Las Vegas - Damn. Just, just...damn. It's rare that poetry truly, deeply impresses me, but you're right on the money here. I had to read it over a few times to "get" it, and that's a compliment. Subtlety, genius wordplay, fantastic atmosphere - it's a little bit too melodramatic, I suppose, but you did that melodrama RIGHT, in a way I all-too-rarely see. "May the mold you grew swallow every ivory inch of you" is a shudder-inducingly good line. Extraordinary, all the way. eek
FINAL RATING:9/10

CHIARA_SCURO, Maybe Today - I'm afraid I see the same problems with this poem as I did with your previous one, Chiara: excessive melodrama, total lack of subtlety, precious little wordplay/metaphor to make me perk up my ears, and your rythm was choppy and uninvolving bordering on nonexistant. I don't want to sound too harsh or sarcastic here, but the phrase "shattered dreams" is a cliche so vile that it slightly but noticeably demeans the rest of your poem slightly all by itself; a terrible choice for the first line. I can identify with the kinds of emotions your expounding here, but there has to be a smoother, more sophisticated way of getting it across.
FINAL RATING: 6/10

A big thank you to both contestants, and we hope to see you again soon!

_ _ BlueBus Owt

[SomeReallyKoolGuy]

Hear ye, hear ye!
In the duel between Challenger Gambol and Defender Nuriko1,
I hereby declare the winner to be

Gambol
For her entry: A Job to Do

Payment en route


This duel was extremely close in terms of poem quality & I enjoyed both poems greatly. However, "Family" as a topic was Forbidden in this duel, because Nuriko1 placed that restriction in her front page listing. As her poem is pretty clearly about family, she has disqualified herself.

[demagoguery]

ENGUARDE!

L'Autobus Bleu a defie le Long Auditeur de Temps a un duel!!! HUZZAH!!! Sang et carnage pour tout le monde!!!!

Voila une picture:



Le gagnant recevrait huits cents et les lunettes.

Requis:
Rime et poesie d'histoire

"le critique devrait d'ecrire, et ne pas prescrire." -Eugene Ionesco, ma favourite auteur, qu'a ecrit Le Rhinocerous.

Je regret mon mauvais Francais, mais il n'y a aucune maudite marque d'accent. Et je n'ai pas employe le "translator.com". Secousses soupconneuses.

[BlueBus]

[SomeReallyKoolGuy]

Grudge match challenger against BlueBus, judged by demagoguery.

Martyrdom; or, A Chicagoan brings witness to bear

Broke down in a cloud of exhaust on 90.
Car bled green in the gloaming. Damn
my mechanic friend at home; I am
a joke now, hoping a tow truck finds me--

Cracked up in court when I heard the bailiff
murmur to counsel you were no-show.
Up, up, up and away I go!,
vaulting to office. You dogged my tail, stiff--

Neck bent, I jog with a thumb flung roadside,
cursing the luck that your bankers bought
and my own dull justice that snarled and fought
your grip on my city. It bleeds a gold tide--

Turning my face to the dumbstruck jury
I smile, and they fidget but know not why.
Your friends in the gallery seek my eyes
as your lawyers lash out with impotent fury--

Snatched from the shoulder by one tough mom
and her three fresh kids, to whom I'm rare sport.
Fingers muss hair, clothing, but not the report
that I clutch like life on our wild carom--

Off a word, a gesture--implied, not said--
my case wraps the facts in a taut cocoon.
You're a gold-digging lowlife, a drunkard, a loon
who has played them fools. And my game's a head--

Count one, two, three--and I hit the pavement
running. Called thanks to the mom, but flew
past pedestrians, puddles, to you, you, YOU
who stole and defrauded, who never once gave, bent--

Over and done with, I ventured to gloat
as your last trembling witness slunk back to her seat.
Your attorneys had wilted, awaiting defeat.
That left only the closing remarks, and the vote--

Yes, the bailiff admitted me, red-faced from running;
my hair and my suit both disheveled and stained.
Though the audience murmured, your bold face grew strained.
My voice rings out clear, cold; my new evidence, stunning--

The jury swung back like a compass. They frowned
at me, grinding their teeth, and I knew I had lost.
Lost this round, anyway. Scum, I'll teach you the cost
of believing there's no room for me in this town--

Hear that last gavel rap? What a glorious sound!
Time to sigh with relief--not for me; for the city.
I'll stand in the brunt of your wrath, more's the pity:
the price I must pay for the wall I broke down.


Grudge match challenger against BlueBus, judged by demagoguery.

[SomeReallyKoolGuy]

Posted on behalf of BlueBus, who will judge this duel.

Enguarde!

The challenger Leonis has once more dared Mistress Mahayr to defend herself on the field of poetry!

Leonis has bet 1g and Mahayr has bet 100g,
for a total prize to the winner of 101g.
And a Dalmatian. eek
xd Just kidding.

The duel poems must RHYME and address the theme of SOMETHING DARK.

Rely on BlueBus for judgment.

Macbeth never

Lead on, MacDuff! For when you die, I'm taking all your stuff!

[demagoguery]

I'm judging you while wearing your glasses!! AHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

BlueBus: Curse you BlueBus. I have a weakness for repetition. I loved the constant use of Thursday night, and then the contrast of Friday morning. Eva Green... did you mean as from Kingdom of Heaven? Well, screw what you meant, this is how I'm interpreting it (there's a term for that, but I forget). I like bound and tight from the first stanza, imagery of being trapped, and then you introduce "cutting holes". Brilliant. Another mention of being trapped in the "uptight". You use the word "glide" for the male of the poem, which I don't like. Gunshots ripple? No. No rippling of gunshots. You were so brilliant, and then you ruin it with this. Later, you continue with the trapped imagery with "lights entwined". Fire imagery, because he's going to hell, a continuation of the allusion begun with a little fire in the girl's cigarette, the "hot iron" in his blood, and the "boiling" windows, suddenly erupting into a consuming fire. Fire began on the inside, then moved to tiny cigarette, then moved to the visible with windows, and finally consumed him in the end.

I'm sorry if my critiques seem disjointed and disorganized. They are.

LongTimeListener : For a moment I thought you had a repetition of colored blood in your poem, but it only turned up twice. Would have been more powerful if you had mentioned once or twice more. I hated how you broke up the lines, and the underlined words. Use other methods to bring attention to your words. Nice muddy gritty feel, brought on by the usage of water and dirt imagery. Then you used wilted for the attorneys, character in poem became water of life, interesting, but was it intentional? Ending: there was a feeling that there was a lot at stake, but no mention of what this wall is, or what it means. Martyr title annoys me now. Told from two different points of view, one clearly good, the other evil. Somewhat confusing despite that, what is the trial about? Continued mention of gold, important at the end when "cost" is mentioned.

Alrighty then. I'm sorry LTL, your poem didn't seem to have anything to it but words; it was purely surface. BlueBus had an undercurrent of building tension and erupting flames, which brought his end to a satisfying and explosive end. Your poem did not end in a manner that made me feel as if I had been part of the journey. You failed to impress upon me the importance of the proceedings, and I found myself growing bored with the vague references to the man's crime, which, as far as I can gather, had something to do with bribery. Plus, why couldn't the man just use a phone? But more importantly, what is this wall you speak of? What does it mean?

Winner: BlueBus



I'll send the winnings soon. By tomorrow night at the latest (my night, my time zone).

[SomeReallyKoolGuy]

I lost?
eek
Inconceivable! I never lose! scream


... xd
I think I just got carried away being clever with the form and didn't pay enough attention to little things like emotional power and clarity of back-story. At work I'm doing daily research on local politics in the Midwest, so my brain has been filled with headlines like, "Gubernatorial candidate's son arrested for drunk driving", "Aide to former governor breaks down in tears on witness stand", and "Bribery scandal in mayor's office". The stories all started to blend together in my mind, and it didn't occur to me while I was writing it that other people had been, you know, having lives instead of reading this crap. cool I really should have used all caps instead of underlines to emphasize--or foregone it altogether. Might have been an improvement.

As for the "wall" bit at the ending, that was pure laziness on my part. I wanted to end it with the words "Broke down", and "wall" was the first one-syllable word I thought of to represent the bad guy's burgeoning empire of corruption. Broke down would also have been a better title. The current title is mainly based on the factoid that "martyr" originally meant "witness". xp The good guy taking on the role of the water of life was not a conscious intent on my part. Though I'll still take credit for it. wink

And BlueBus will take home the prizes. xd
heart Well fought, Old Chum.
Now excuse me while I go driving back to Gotham on my Batmobile of Pain, only to crash ironically into a tree just outside the Bat-Cave! *burns to death in the wreckage*

[BlueBus]

Thank you, Dema!

I dunno...I'm afraid I don't share your feelings on some of my work usage: what's wrong with "glide" and "ripple"?! gonk Perfectly good words.....*grumblegrumble* Regardless, I'm glad you like it for the most part! Very gratifying, especially how you caught my small fire motife and my efforts at building tension; I'm glad that I pulled that off. *sigh of relief* sweatdrop

And thank you also, L. Even though you lost, I had alot of fun reading your poem and hold it and you in high regards. Nice!

_ _ BlueBus Owt

[Mahayr]

Grudge Match with Leonis/ranjir:

Bury Me

Frozen embers, silent tomb
come and see my rage.
Open casket, empty doom
turn another page.

Rippled paper, fragile sky
shake your fist at fear.
Sing another lullaby
leave your demons here.

Shattered dream, your soul lies thin
look yon - see the moon.
Take my saddle home again
bury me in June.

[Leonis]

Grudge Match with Mahayr
*Challenger*
Who are YOU to judge ME
Who are YOU to judge what I wear,
for whom I care?
Who are YOU to judge what I play,
what I say?
Who are YOU to judge how I act
when I'm attacked?
Have you walked Even ONE STEP in my shoes
NO!!
So, who are you to choose,
my future for me?
When all my life I can see,
what I want to be.
So...
Who are you to judge me?



Just a little side note: This was written on a bus either comming back from or going to a track meet in HS. I was sick and tired of people treating me like crap so yeah... This is what came out of it.

I did the break ups on my own just very reacently, so if you see something wrong or perhaps a better way that they could be done let me know. Thank you very much.

[BlueBus]

In the duel between Mahayr(Defender) and Leonis(Challenger), BlueBus declare the victor to be....

Mahayr
For her entry: Bury Me

Congradulations, Mahayr!
[Payment and critique en route]

_ _ BlueBus OWT

[demagoguery]

Leonis

poem

Interesting choice for a piece that's going to be judged...

[Nuriko1]

My defending poem ^-^



A desperate attempt

Sitting here knife in hand,
Time is right to make a stand.
Thoughts swim in my head,
Heart feeling heavy as lead.
Thoughts of never ending sleep,
Fall forever into the deep.
The pain you caused is towering,
It has proven to be over powering.
Mind wrapped up in all things bleek,
Cut off from any help that I seek.

Shake the thoughts from my mind,
Relief from the knife I will find,
Slashes raked across skin,
I know I will never win.
Feel the burn as I slice,
Euphoric release so nice.
Repeat the dirty deed,
This constant pain I concede.
Insanity lurks beyond my blockade,
Held off by the action of my blade.
I cut myself and wonder why,
My life a flash it just flew by.
The blood that drips down to the floor,
Is my atonment in my personal war.
And so this sad story ends,
A knife a life a heart decends.