GlowInTheDarkStar
Swollen, slurpy, slippy, sloshed
The copper queen drowns in the sodden foamy mess.
Down it fresher.
Ferment boy with the yeast and the yokels
I'm not a big fan of the first line. It's a bit misplaced, because you set up the poem as one of alliteration, possible repetition, and onomatopoeia, but then it's not followed through. I think you could probably just start the poem with one or two of these words, and then maybe work the others in somewhere else or scrap them altogether.
I also think you could scrap the third line. I just don't see it adding much. And visually you've got the beer coming between the "copper queen" and the "ferment boy," when actually it does quite the opposite. So instead of promoting a contrasting image, you could get rid of the line, or possibly move it below the "ferment boy" line -- so that references to the beer surround the two of them together, creating a little "beer bubble" for them to get all sexy in and whatnot.
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Bray a little with the boys and banter
A tea ceremony to appease the gods
I like this. Subtle references to assholes are cool. It gives the poem a very Dionysian feel because of the stark contrast to the tea ceremony. I'm not entirely sure what you mean by "banter a tea ceremony," though. I think this is due to a punctuation error.
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Bow, take the pint in the left hand, then hold it with your right hand and turn till the cups
"cup is" facing away from you, only then can you take a sip.
I get that the length of this line adds to the complexities and nuances of tea ceremonies. But I think it needs less "fluff" and more substance. Also, just a thought: you could look up rules from Japanese tea ceremonies for ideas, just to bulk this line up a bit.
I don't know what this means. Am I missing something? It sounds sketch. If that's what you're going for, then I guess you nailed it...? XD
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Will you untie your robes again and flash me that devilish weapon of yours?
"Devilish weapon"? I guess this line accurately portrays cliche, drunken "seduction," but I would love to see this elevated somehow. Even just setting it off in quotation marks or italics could separate it from the poem so it can be seen more in terms of the party. Or, you should maybe decide if you want this line to be crude or subtle. If you're going for in-party-mode-and-completely-drunk, go all out. If not, refine it some. It's sort of hanging out awkwardly between the two -- but I get the strong feeling that it should be a more radical line.
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In the drink can you see the bubbles bursting
the first a first and the second a 2:1.
I don't get this either. Maybe I'm tired. Maybe it's just over my head. Maybe the reference is too obscure. I don't know. :/
Quote:
Vomit rainbows and call it a sociology paper
and I'll cite it in my next critical appraisal.
I like this, too. It's witty and fun. However, it is the first mention of school. It's not really enough to be a twist ending or a "wow" factor for the ending. So I'd suggest working the school element in a little earlier in the poem, and re-working the ending to make it something more powerful. I'm not entirely sure what that ending might be. It does seem as if you have a bit of an incomplete narrative, though. Perhaps you could conclude the crazy, partying exploits of the girl and the guy?
Overall notes:
The grammar bothered me a lot. You've inconsistently capitalized the beginning of your lines. Pick either one or the other. I strongly recommend capitalizing according to the normal grammar rules prose. (If only because you don't want to get smacked down when BLB critiques your poem at the end of the round).
And your punctuation is also inconsistent. It's just a bit of a mess. Some lines lack punctuation when it's necessary to avoid confusion.
Also, it seems as if you have the beginning of many different thoughts. You've got the tea ceremony, the guy/girl interaction, something about bubbles, and the school aspect. How are these different elements meant to be tied together? I think the poem would benefit from expanding on the different themes and interweaving them. If cohesion between the themes turns out to be difficult, you might want to scrap one or two. (You can always make a new poem with those later. I have the same sort of problem sometimes, and I just shuffle themes to different poems -- it works out well).
I didn't expect this critique to be so long-winded. (May bad). I haven't done one in a while, so I guess I went all-out. XD
Feel free to take or leave any of the suggestions. Also, if I didn't make sense, feel free to ask any questions. I am quite sleepy. But I hope I helped!
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