Want to be Pregnant again

[ignoretheman]

Backstory:
Hubby and I have a nearly 7 year old kid, who is wonderful and lovely and just a really great ******** kid. From the age of 2 until about 5 he was a holy ******** terror, to the point that the doctors had no idea what was wrong with him, and were convinced we were lying until we got him being nuts on tape and then the doctors had no idea what was wrong and told us 'sorry' there was nothing we could do. Thankfully, all that passed.

I've been a surrogate twice (grown and birthed a baby for someone that can't have one on their own). Once to a single baby, once to twins, none with my own genetic material.

I was adopted at 6 years old. Promise this is all relevant.

Problem:
I desperately want to have another child, now that our son is not crazy and lovely. I grew up in a family of 5, and loved every second of the crazy chaos. Hubby was an only child. Hubby very very much doesn't want another kid, feels that life is just fine the way it is, we've worked so hard to have things be nice, and another kid would most likely disrupt the peace we've finally won. I can't say I have any decent reasons for wanting another except that the idea of leaving our son without any siblings makes me cry any time I think about it, and that I personally do not feel fulfilled with only having one child.
Hubby has suggested adoption, perhaps a toddler so that the age gap is not as big of a deal. I researched some, and based on my own experiences, I feel that adopting would disrupt our family even worse, and is just not something I'm prepared to do. I want one of MY own babies.

We're at an impasse and I don't know how we'll get past this and I'm getting worried about how this is going to negatively affect our relationship. I need some insight or just a 3rd party to give a different perspective.

tl;dr I want another baby, Hubby doesn't want another baby, wat do?

[legnanellaf5]

You need to be able to compromise. Your husband seems to be able to, his compromise is okay for a child, just not at the baby stage, which is reasonable if your actual child was a nightmare to deal with as a baby. Which is as much as a compromise you can get in this situation when he already has said that he isnt really into more children.I also think you need to look into why you are so obsessed with pregnancy. At this point you have birthed 4 children. Even if it was to help other people, that still matters a lot when your desire seems to be not so much an actual child (since you are saying no to adoption..) but to be pregnant again...for the 3rd time to a 5th child. So why?

[ignoretheman]

Our son was a nightmare from age 2-5, he was positively dreamlike as a baby.

I don't think having 1 child of my own and a couple surrogacies counts as 'obsessed' with pregnancy, but I'll tell you my reasoning behind the surrogacies anyways. I like to help people. I foster cats and kittens for rescues, I babysit other people's kids, and surrogacies are basically just another form of fostering for me - I took care of their baby until they took their baby back. Plus, you can't get pregnant with your own baby when you're pregnant with someone else's right?

If you take the surrogacies out of the mix entirely, is it so crazy that I'd like another baby of my own?

I was adopted at age 6. I was a holy terror basically until I was 17. I've done my research, and I'd only want to adopt an infant or up to 2 years of age tops - there are just too many issues that come with the older kids. I think my husband hasn't realized that this would be more disruptive on our family than just having another of our own.

I don't really know how we can compromise on this, since he doesn't want a kid, and I do?

[Petrograd]

Having children is one of those topic that's really tricky to reach a compromise on.

It's quite possible (even likely) there's no good compromise to be had here.

Having siblings is not crucial, it's possible to get by great with friends or other relatives.

I recommend you try to figure out why it's important for you to have a baby of your own; human hormones are very strong when it comes to childbirth, so one gets very affected by that. I have a relative who pretty much got addicted to having a new baby. (She ended up having many kids, all two years apart - so born every other year.)

I recommend marriage counseling in your case, if there's any way to find a compromise you'll both be able to accept that's probably it.

[legnanellaf5]

You seem to ignore the fact that he did compromise? He did say okay with having a child? He just wasnt into the smaller years part of it, and a toddler is a good suggestion if you want the children to be similar ages to make it easy. On his part, he is compromisng. He is giving you options. I dont think your one experience should be the reason you ignore the possiblity of adoption itself, because you may have been a little s**t, but not all adopted children are.

You seem to be stuck on the pregnancy thing, and that is why I think you are obssessed. Your title isnt I want another kid, it is I want to be pregnant. You cant take the surrogate stuff out of this because that is part of the whole thing. You have been pregnant 3 times, which is 30 months of having a child or 2 in one case in your body. And while again they arent all yours to take care of, you have given birth to 4 children. You have a thing about being pregnant.

I also think that it is a bullshit thing to say that you wouldnt want an older child just because is a bit harder, that makes you part of the problem. That is a shitty thing to say, and if you were one of those people who were adopted a bit later, then you should know how important it is to go for those who are seen as less desirable because they arent babies. We need more people who are taking on those older kids, your experience in that should be advocating that area of adoption.

A second kid would disrupt it no matter what you did, adopting or getting pregnant doesnt actually change that level of disruption as a lot of it really depends on how well the first kid deals with the change.

[Lady-Vulpini]

How about getting a puppy instead? Not all children need a sibling you know v o v
Respect your husband's advice and either look for adoption or no baby because his feelings count too you know. An adopted child is just the same as having your own kid. It makes me sick when I hear people say "But it'snot ///miiiiiiine/// weep weep weep"

It's a child

A child is a child no matter what 8T

[Misty_Mystix]

ignoretheman

Backstory:
Hubby and I have a nearly 7 year old kid, who is wonderful and lovely and just a really great ******** kid. From the age of 2 until about 5 he was a holy ******** terror, to the point that the doctors had no idea what was wrong with him, and were convinced we were lying until we got him being nuts on tape and then the doctors had no idea what was wrong and told us 'sorry' there was nothing we could do. Thankfully, all that passed.

I've been a surrogate twice (grown and birthed a baby for someone that can't have one on their own). Once to a single baby, once to twins, none with my own genetic material.

I was adopted at 6 years old. Promise this is all relevant.

Problem:
I desperately want to have another child, now that our son is not crazy and lovely. I grew up in a family of 5, and loved every second of the crazy chaos. Hubby was an only child. Hubby very very much doesn't want another kid, feels that life is just fine the way it is, we've worked so hard to have things be nice, and another kid would most likely disrupt the peace we've finally won. I can't say I have any decent reasons for wanting another except that the idea of leaving our son without any siblings makes me cry any time I think about it, and that I personally do not feel fulfilled with only having one child.
Hubby has suggested adoption, perhaps a toddler so that the age gap is not as big of a deal. I researched some, and based on my own experiences, I feel that adopting would disrupt our family even worse, and is just not something I'm prepared to do. I want one of MY own babies.

We're at an impasse and I don't know how we'll get past this and I'm getting worried about how this is going to negatively affect our relationship. I need some insight or just a 3rd party to give a different perspective.

tl;dr I want another baby, Hubby doesn't want another baby, wat do?

Do not have another baby with him, he clearly states he does not want another and your desires are ultimately selfish. Your husband is thinking realistically and responsibly, he is happy the way things are now, why ruin his peace? He is being a very good husband by compromising with you with adoption Really think about adoption, you were spared the 18 years of growing up in the adoption system by being adopted out at a really young age. How do you feel about your parents and how do they feel towards you? If you guys adopted, you'd be doing that child and society a great service. You guys could chose a child that isn't wild and crazy, you guys could even think about choosing an older child maybe 6-8 years old. You need to get over yourself and this desire of a blood child, especially with a husband who doesn't want another one.

[Misty_Mystix]

ignoretheman

Our son was a nightmare from age 2-5, he was positively dreamlike as a baby.

I don't think having 1 child of my own and a couple surrogacies counts as 'obsessed' with pregnancy, but I'll tell you my reasoning behind the surrogacies anyways. I like to help people. I foster cats and kittens for rescues, I babysit other people's kids, and surrogacies are basically just another form of fostering for me - I took care of their baby until they took their baby back. Plus, you can't get pregnant with your own baby when you're pregnant with someone else's right?

If you take the surrogacies out of the mix entirely, is it so crazy that I'd like another baby of my own?

I was adopted at age 6. I was a holy terror basically until I was 17. I've done my research, and I'd only want to adopt an infant or up to 2 years of age tops - there are just too many issues that come with the older kids. I think my husband hasn't realized that this would be more disruptive on our family than just having another of our own.

I don't really know how we can compromise on this, since he doesn't want a kid, and I do?

Adoption would make you a hero to the child for sparing him or her 18 years of being an orphan in the adoption system and having a (hopefully) loving family. If you actually like helping people, help a poor orphan out of the system. This sort of help is significant to the world, much more so than being a surrogate which deters people from adopting. Not all kids in the system are a terror, you'd just have to get to know the kid first and make sure they have a mild temper. For all you know, you'll likely just have another terror in your hands giving birth.

[Kumacchiato]

I say you need to seek a counselor to help.... This is one of those issues that will ruin a couple.
Id say you cant really accept the adoption idea since you want one of your own... Theres no equating the two. And if you did adopt wishing it was your own then youd likely end up resenting that child for it.
I also dont think you can force him into another one though.... You need someone to talk you through it.
Good luck<33333

[L0LIS]

Lady-Vulpini

I think she feels it'll be disruptive to adopt because some kids who go up for adoption tend to lash out or have many problems due to being given up for adoption. Not all are like that, of course, but many. Plus, there's a different feeling a mother/father gets when they have their own flesh and blood rather than adopting. It's a bit indescribable. Some people would just rather have their own child than adopt one and that's okay.

[Stale Taste]

Adopt and have no kids, don't adopt and don't have kids, or divorce. These are your options. You cannot make him have a child outside of saying you are on BC when you are not or poking holes into the condoms. If it goes that far, you are a crazy b***h, and I have no doubt he would leave you to care for that child on your own. You cannot control his free will, and none of us have the power to control free will. You already know your options; you just don't want to accept them. However, there is nothing you can do to alter your options. In fact, there is no need for this thread since you already know the answers to your problem. rolleyes