Boyfriend meeting judgmental and very strict Asian parents

[Clover de Bellum]

ATh e a r t

Okay... Some of this will be personal experience, and some of it will be just how I feel. I'm Chinese and can very much relate to your parents' are treating you.

For one, you're 16. No, I'm not saying that you can't feel real love at that age, but you are still under your parents' roof. No matter how stupid their views are, they are your parents and there are limits to what you can do.

Have you actually met him IRL? Like... Went out with a few of your friends to meet him? From what I've read about other peoples' relationships, it's very possible to feel like you're in love online, and can possibly flip 180 after the first RL meeting. Possibly, but not every relationship.

As for race, honestly, it's just going to take time. I've been dating my bf since I was 18 and I met him online (I'm now 21, he's turning 25). I can't say my parents were welcoming him at first since he wasn't Chinese (he's Filipino). A year or two ago they'd still push me to marry a Chinese dude, but I know as well as you know that parents can't make their kids choose someone they approve of. What to do? Wait until you're 18. Introduce your boyfriend as a friend. Let them get to know him little by little. Don't push it. Telling your parents now will just get your parents to hate him automatically. Gladly you already know the 'meeting him online' thing is bad.

Hating him... They hate what you guys talked about, not necessarily him. Quick to judge, but you never have to say they're the same person.

No matter how much you think you're ready to tell your parents, don't do it. Not now. Wait until you're in college and have a valid reason for meeting someone 4 hours away from you. No matter what you say, you're young and you're jumping into telling your parents this too early. Trust me, even if your mom 'wants to know' about the guys in your life, you're better off not telling. I've been in that situation and it only led to my mother yelling at me more... Lol.

I didn't read anything besides the first post... So yeah 8D;

✖ ✖ ✖ Yup, I've met him twice in real life, both times with friends and we have had few hours each time alone together (nothing at the slightest inappropriate happened), and I have also met his entire family - mom, dad, brother, sister. And his two cats XD. Our feelings for each other grew even more after we got to know each other even more. so I know I'm not confused with my feelings, which is good considering I'm confused on what to do about everything else haha.

Well, I think even if I don't say they will know...they got his first and last name from his ID on skype and his name is spelled so uniquely I doubt they will forget when they come upon it again. So, okay, don't tell until I'm at least 18 XD advice understood. Thanks ^^ ✖ ✖ ✖

[Clover de Bellum]

Kitten Kochanie

Clover de Bellum

✖ ✖ ✖ Thanks for your insight, and please tell your mom I said thanks too ^_^

Less than two years, so I guess waiting wouldn't be tooo bad. But as I said with the other person who suggested the same thing - I don't want to lose my relationship with my parents. It's already crappy, but it's better than being estranged from them. I really would like them to give him a chance and their blessing for any bigger steps we may take in life. ✖ ✖ ✖

I'll be sure to send her your regards next time I see her. smile

I think that if you wait, you'll be less likely to be estranged - you'll have time to show them you're an adult and you'll be supporting yourself, so they won't be able to manipulate you or flat-out forbid you to see him.

If you tell them now, they can easily make things even harder than they already are. Keeping them in the dark allows you to at least maintain what it is now, if not work on your relationship with them in the mean time. What happens if they hate him and make it impossible for you to see him? Nothing good, I'm afraid.

Whatever you choose, I really do wish you the best, with your boyfriend AND with your parents.

✖ ✖ ✖ Thanks so much ^_^ Support from a kind stranger - I appreciate it a lot smile ✖ ✖ ✖

[Clover de Bellum]

Nefarious Aquarius

Yikes, lady. You're in a bit of a pickle.

I've been in a similar situation myself. I had been dating my boyfriend from the early age of 14 - 17. We met online, and he's Argentinian. I'm white. Essentially what happened was my mom was snooping on the computer and found out what was happening; that I had a boyfriend, who he was, what we were, every conversation we had. She pretended to be me on my aim to try to get him to tell her things about our relationship. She told my dad, who was furious and disgusted.

They confronted me when I got home from work that day. Took away my cell phone, locked all the computers, took away my car keys and ipod, everything. Told me I was never allowed to talk to him again, that I was stupid and irresponsible and a lying, ungrateful slut. Luckily, I had work 5 days a week that summer, managed to get my car back because of the weird hours I worked and snuck myself to the library to use the computers to talk to him. It was the worst summer of my life. One night, I found my ipod lying in my mom's bedside table and I stole it back and used it to talk to him. My mom and dad made me promise when they first found out that I would never, ever talk to him again; if they found me talking to him, they were going to pull me out of my high school and send me to the local one 3 minutes away for my senior year. Unfortunately for me, my mom found me checking the time on my ipod a week before school started; she rang true on her word and pulled me out of my highschool, all because I refused to stop talking to this boy. From that point on, I laid down the rule that I would find ways to talk to him and be with him regardless of their approval or not and I suffered for that. They still limited my computer time during the school year and restricted the computer in all sorts of crazy ways. They made me go to therapy for my "lying" problems (group therapy with my parents involved) and tried to convince me that I should only talk to him for 30 minutes a week.

The whole time this s**t was going on, he was there with understanding and patience. He never left me nor made any indications that he wanted to leave me. At one point, he wanted to break up solely because he knew I was suffering so much, but I didn't let him. Things were really tense all my senior year, but when I went to college, things got easier. That was also partially due to the fact that my mom was diagnosed with cancer, so she stopped caring about my boyfriend and started caring more about family and the time she had left. She died this August, rest her soul, and I am not only upset at her loss from my life but that she never got to meet him and accept him for the beautiful person he is. My dad still holds a great animosity towards him; he always tells me I should date some nice italian boy from my university, and that maybe I should get a real boyfriend, etc etc. My boyfriend came up to visit last year, but he never met my parents because my family was still reeling from my mother's diagnosis, so he spent the month with me behind my parent's back. I felt guilty, but knew it was inappropriate to throw this new obstacle in their life. The situation is still sort of tumultuous but I'm working on getting my Dad to accept him as not some sort of phase.


My advice to you would be to keep this under wraps for now. You're 16 and young, you've got time to slowly warm your parents to the idea. Wait til you go to college; you can say you met him there and it was a total coincidence that you ended up in the same school if they remember him. Also, if you're in a good university, and your grades are fine, they'll see you more as an adult than as you are now in high school.

However, don't get this idea that 18 is a magic number; you're still not quite an adult and will probably depend on your parents for financial support during university, for tuition, student loans, etc. And I know you want to keep the relationship you have with your parents, and it seems hopeful that he wants to start creating one with them as well. Hold out on telling them until you've been in college for a while. I know it seems like a long, LONG time, but if the relationship is worth it then you'll be able to stick through. We stuck together through the rough times and have now been together for some ridiculously long amount of time like 4.3 years or something?

ALSO, if you do decide to meet him IRL before you tell your parents, make sure you have a friend or two go with you the first time, okay? it's just a precaution, and it'll make it less nerve-wracking for you. good luck gonk

✖ ✖ ✖ Oh geez, it's like I lived through the same Hell you went through. I understand where you are coming from though, and I guess one and a half more years isn't too long to wait if we decide to wait until then. I guess it just depends on how my parents are now. I mean, they are different and more accepting that they were, but I can tell their judgment is still not as flexible as I'd prefer it to be.

Hehe, I already met him twice ^_^ It was great, the two days out of years that I've ever been so happy. My friends were with me though, and even then it was nerve-wracking XD Thank you! ✖ ✖ ✖

[Clover de Bellum]

ashangel299

How rude of your parents for violating your privacy! It's normal for you to think about guys. But anyway, I can relate to you; I come from a Chinese family, so my parents prefer me to stay in my race. They prefer me to go out with a Chinese guy.

I remember what happened before my friend became my boyfriend. Sometimes I would tell my parents that I'm about to hang out with someone, and when they ask, "Who? What's his ethnicity?" I would say that he is Spanish. They get a little racist about it and they tell me to be careful when hanging out with him (they think a lot of Spanish people are trouble makers, (no offense to those who are Spanish, I know that is untrue from my experiences) ), until one day we decided to hang out at my house and that's when he met my parents and all of a sudden they were okay with him and kept saying how considerate he was. A year later, he became my boyfriend, so I told them the news. They have no problem with it, but they still prefer me to go out with a Chinese guy, but My parents are really supportive of our relationship because they know he's a great guy.

I think the next time your boyfriend sees you in person, introduce him to your parents but say that HE IS A FRIEND; that way if your parents end up liking him they are more likely to accept the fact that you two are together if you ever tell them that he's your boyfriend. Your parents meeting him will show them that skin color doesn't mean anything; it's the individual's personality that matters. I suggest you have dinner with your parents & let your boyfriend eat with you guys so that your boyfriend and your parents can talk more and see the kind of guy he is. After your boyfriend leaves, ask your parents, "How do you like my friend?" and see how they respond. If they don't like him then I guess it didn't work out but at least you tried. If they say they like him, let your boyfriend spend time with your parents more at the dinner table and after like a few meetings, tell your parents that he is your boyfriend.

Good luck and I hope things turn out okay!

✖ ✖ ✖ Thanks for the advice. Part of our plan is to bring him over my house and talk to my parents, explain things and let them get to know him. Thanks for the luck wishes biggrin ✖ ✖ ✖

[Clover de Bellum]

Sae Insanity

Is it worth taking the chance, if it means taking the risk of them taking away all means of communication with him?
wait till your 18. There's no guarantee that you'll even be with him 2 years from now.
I wouldn't tell them. Why risk it?

✖ ✖ ✖ Ha. I guess I just have to weigh my gains and losses at some point. Thanks ✖ ✖ ✖

[Clover de Bellum]

Erise Crewe

Clover de Bellum

✖ ✖ ✖
This is why I would really like to tell them now. Even if it takes time for them to accept it, at least I will have a chance at keeping my boyfriend and having a good relationship with my parents. =/ do you think there is any chance at all or any way to talk to them to at least make them give it a chance? ✖ ✖ ✖

First of all, i'd like to point out that a 4 hour drive really isn't that bad o.o I don't mean to sound judgmental but if he has the means (and I know he might not at your age) you guys should be able to spend some real life time together. That one thing aside, it's great that he's being so supportive of you and sticking by you through all that unpleasantness with your parents.

I grew up as an only child in a chinese household. I 'fell in love' when I was 13 and even though that relationship didn't work out I just want to say that I know how strong feelings can be at that age. The whole wanting to be together, but not having the means to, and always dreaming about a future together without having to hide all the time. My fiance, who i met online at 19, and irl at 21, is caucasian. I was attending graduate school, and didn't have the immediate means to take care of myself. i had a job that I quit because I had to move to attend school that year. My parents took all the money to pay for my grandmother's cancer treatment. I don't mean this as a bad thing asian families help each other out in times of need and I didn't object to it at all, but the fact was that it left me with absolutely 0 savings in the bank. I didn't tell them at first, but they hired a private investigator on me when I dropped my cell phone in the car one day and did not check in with them. They thought i had gone missing, and the PI found his number in my phone records. That's how they found out. They threatened to pull me out of graduate school (i had worked so hard to gain entry, the field was selective and I did not think I'd have a chance to reapply), they threatened to send me back to china, send me to new york, anything to seperate me from my boyfriend. I wanted to take out a loan, but it was the middle of the semester and I basically needed time to apply. If they had decided to cut me off right then and there I would have been completely stranded with absolutely nothing. I told them I would break up with him out of fear for my future/education but I ended up developing a severe anxiety disorder... it partially caused me to be unable to finish school. (i suppose it works out, because it was something they pushed me to do even though in my heart I had my own dreams which I'm now free to pursue haha)

I had another friend who's african american with an asian ex girlfriend. Her parents didn't approve, completely cut her off and kicked her out of the house. She had to live like a homeless woman on campus because she had nowhere to stay. I don't know exactly how long after, but he ended up breaking up with her because he didn't have the means to help her and he couldn't stand seeing her living like that because of him.

You do -NOT- want these things to happen to you. You absolutely do not want to take that risk at your age. You need to try to find a way to stand on your own two feet as soon as you're 18. I know it's going to be hard with your culture, you're expected to go to college full time on the fast track to a power career. Almost any loan or graduate institution anticipates help from your parents, so you have two options- a semi-large college loan in anticipation of living costs (should help if you get a scholarship which shouldn't be a problem with your grades I had one for undergraduate but not for graduate school... one of the sources of my anxiety =_=), or having a part time job at the cost of going to school part time.. don't underestimate how much time you need to spend on college studies, it's pretty difficult to maintain good grades at some universities and it's not worth sacrificing your grades. At one point I went to school full time and i had a full time job @_@ it was pretty terrible but I got by and I know you could too if that's what you really wanted. my point is, my life would have been different if I had been more independent out of high school. i had the means, but it was always agreed as part of the culture that my parents would help me with college but in your current situation you absolutely cannot count on that.

Anyway I wish you luck, the main gist of it is to work on gaining complete independence before you even consider telling your parents. if they disapprove I know it hurts to have your parents (who you love) hate the person you want to be with. But you're right, if your boyfriend loves and accepts you more than your parents, it's not wrong to choose him over them.

✖ ✖ ✖ Well, neither of us have our license, so we depend on his mom to allow us spending time together.
I see your point. Like everyone else has been telling me, having independence gives me more leverage to get a chance from my parents. Thanks, I'll keep this all in mind. ✖ ✖ ✖

[Clover de Bellum]

Banannafioat_X

WAO. I know how you're feeling! My parents are both Vietnamese also and very judgmental when it comes to other races. They both started that they didn't want me to date until I was done with college, ever since I was in middle school, every single damn day.
HOWEVER, I got a boyfriend in my senior year of highschool when I was 17, turning 18. This was in 2009. I didn't tell them until last summer. It was a huge secret and it was really hard, but the turning point for me was when my mom heard someone say that my boyfriend had a girlfriend. I was like wtf no, so I had to tell her. I told my mom first, as she was more understanding compared to my dad who thought all guys were rapists and would want sex and then leave.
The initial reaction was that my mom was in denial and said that he was only a friend.
The initial reaction from my dad was denial then he ignored me.

BUT I ASSURE YOU, no matter how much crap they say, no matter how long they ignore you, they will eventually get over it. My boyfriend is Cambodian and you know how Vietnamese people don't like Cambodians. They still make fun of me until this day. But at least I can openly talk about my relationship without hiding anything.

My advice would definitely be to wait until you're a bit older though. 16 is still very young. I'm almost turning 21 and they still don't like that I'm in a relationship that much. Talking about anything like kissing and cuddling..is a different story. Don't even mention that around them. LOL. I think they only reason they really accept it now is because I'm getting older.

I don't know how they'll deal with the online relationship and Viet's dont like african americans even more so ;____; And the sex thing is really really iffy too. ;_; I really wish you the best. But once you tell them, a huge weight is lifted off of your shoulders, and being yelled at is worth it, in my experience.

GOOD LUCK GIRLY!

TL;DR WAIT UNTIL YOU'RE OLDER FROM A FELLOW VIET. biggrin

✖ ✖ ✖ Haha, I'm so looking forward to getting this huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Well, I won't be telling them about the online relationship lol, and yeah...race and the sex issue sucks. But yes, I think in the long run being yelled at and punished and all is worth it, especially if we get our happy ending ^_^ Hehe, thanks. : D ✖ ✖ ✖

[Clover de Bellum]

snuggle-you-to-death

For some reason, I start to think Asian parents are very protective. I have a Filipino friend whose parents are so protective they don't even let him go to a field trip because they worry that their son might be in an accident. My Korean friend's parents won't let her go to prom because she might get raped and whatnots. I'm not saying that Asian parents are stupid, but the fact that they try to cover their child's growth is. No matter what they do, they can't stop their children from growing and from learning on their own. I know that they don't want their kids to be in danger, but you won't know a man's height unless you make him stand up and measure it himself.

My suggestion would be that you show them you are old enough to be responsible of your own thoughts and actions. Show them that you are trustworthy. They can't trust you if you can't show your self being able to be trusted. Elaborate the fact that you are a teenager, and that you are going through adolescence. That hormones run amuck inside you. Show them that you really love your boyfriend. That you really care about him. That way, they might feel the sand way too.

Prove it to them that your boyfriend loves you, not lusts you. Tell them that all blacks dont eat fried chicken avd that they don't all drink grape flavored koolaid. They might get angry at first, but who on earth does not want their kids to be happy? Just relax, breathe, and tell them the truth. And remember, VIOLENCE IS NOT THE ANSWER.

✖ ✖ ✖ Haha, OH MY GOD. Thanks for that, I have no idea how to tell my parents that though. My brother is the natural result of their over-protectiveness. I'm more of a rebel with the personality I have, and that's the only reason they haven't stepped all over me. But it did get me in trouble DX

Your humor tickled my funny bone xD I think it would be so easy to show them he really loves me and doesn't lust me. The problem is getting them to give him a chance =/ Thanks for your advice. And your realism mixed with some comedy and optimism too ^_^ ✖ ✖ ✖

[Clover de Bellum]

4m3thyst

Similar situation to you, sweetie. Asian parents, super-uber-protective, I'm in a LDR.

Do. Not. Tell. Them. Don't let them know until there's nothing they can do about it - i.e. when you're no longer a dependent.

They will destroy it; I guarantee it. No matter how much you try to explain to them. They will not understand that you don't see the world exactly as they do, and they'll take it as a form of utmost disrespect and dishonour. I know my parents would.

✖ ✖ ✖ This is a sad truth =/ Thanks lol ✖ ✖ ✖

[Clover de Bellum]

Blooper Bloop

Honestly this wait till 18 thing isn't good either.
So what happens when you're 18? You can't just sever relationships with your parents completely.

My parents are viet too. My bf's white/mexican and I'm a bit older. From my experience, I've found incorporation him into everyday context slightly makes them get used to the idea of him.

Feel free to msg me for more help if you want smile

✖ ✖ ✖ Hmm... so you're the first person that's given me direct advice on actually telling my parents - I do appreciate that lol. Hm, I'll be messaging you quite a bit once I get this figured out XD ✖ ✖ ✖

[Ephemeral_Dream]

I know how it feels to live under strict Asian parents. Believe it or not, you're not really going to change your parents and the sooner you realize that, the better. You grew up here in America, they grew up in Asia, they're not going to or try to understand or like it. I suggest keeping your relationship in the down low and wait until you move out and are fully capable of living on your own. The fact that he's black, you're both only 16, and they're very very judgmental, you have no say. This is what they're probably going to think of him and seriously I'm not going butter this up for you: "Hmm he's 16, he just wants sex because teenagers have sexual tension and want to explore. He's black, he's most likely a rapist/criminal. She's my 16 year old daughter who knows nothing of this world, god forbid if something happens, no one wants a whore in the family."

My sister is 22 at the time, and was dating a clean, smart, stable white guy, and my parents chewed this guy out so badly, she had to break up with him. He tried to get along, and they just pushed him aside. Also you're making seem like it's the end of the world, you have oodles of time. They don't have to know now. Chances are, you're making it worse. Hey, on a brighter side, if you're dating someone who isn't black, they're probably settle for him since they experienced the worst case scenario.

-This is from a cynic living with a Catholic Viet family. Very strict. emotion_facepalm

[Blooper Bloop]

Clover de Bellum

Blooper Bloop

Honestly this wait till 18 thing isn't good either.
So what happens when you're 18? You can't just sever relationships with your parents completely.

My parents are viet too. My bf's white/mexican and I'm a bit older. From my experience, I've found incorporation him into everyday context slightly makes them get used to the idea of him.

Feel free to msg me for more help if you want smile

✖ ✖ ✖ Hmm... so you're the first person that's given me direct advice on actually telling my parents - I do appreciate that lol. Hm, I'll be messaging you quite a bit once I get this figured out XD ✖ ✖ ✖

Straight up i'll tell you that the idea of him being black will be a bit of an obstacle-that's just how asians are. But, once they realize when you go off to college that it doesn't matter what their skin color is; there's good and bad people of every race. Eventually my mom told me that herself after she saw the way may bf cares for me!


The thing is, in asian families there's no such thing as, once you're 18 you're free. I'm sure once youre 18 it's no different than being 11,14,or 16. They still care for you a lot.

Anyways, yes. Keep lightly treading the subject, give it a rest, bring it up casually again. I've found it works for me smile

[Sae Insanity]

Clover de Bellum

Sae Insanity

Is it worth taking the chance, if it means taking the risk of them taking away all means of communication with him?
wait till your 18. There's no guarantee that you'll even be with him 2 years from now.
I wouldn't tell them. Why risk it?

✖ ✖ ✖ Ha. I guess I just have to weigh my gains and losses at some point. Thanks ✖ ✖ ✖

I wasn't trying to be mean, just saying.

[Clover de Bellum]

Sae Insanity

Clover de Bellum

Sae Insanity

Is it worth taking the chance, if it means taking the risk of them taking away all means of communication with him?
wait till your 18. There's no guarantee that you'll even be with him 2 years from now.
I wouldn't tell them. Why risk it?

✖ ✖ ✖ Ha. I guess I just have to weigh my gains and losses at some point. Thanks ✖ ✖ ✖

I wasn't trying to be mean, just saying.

Lol no no no, I didn't think you were being mean D: I'm sorry if I came off that way in my reply D:

[fortywinks n fortynights]

Most asian parents are judgmental and stereotypes.. some are even racists, that they prefer asians for their kids. Im sure, most asian kids had problems like this, i myself had this problem too.. but it took my parents time to accept my gf smile , now my parents love her like their own.

as for your case, i know its hard for your parents to accept and understand, because the typical asian parents are strict and they always tend to meddle with their children's decisions because they always claim they know whats best. the best way, let them realize and accept.

if i were you, wait until youre 18. and try occasionally to open up to your parents the "what ifs" like.. fish out what they think and how their reaction would be, example.. "is it possible for me to date from any race? would that be okay?, "will it be fine if i go for a date now?", etc.

DO NOT dare to go against their back (living in together, sex, etc.), consider their feelings too. asian parents arent liberated in thinking, and most of them despise, dishonor and shun their children once they disobey or go astray. i know its tough.. but try atleast, to get their reactions and make them see your point. They may be ultra strict, but we all know parents cant live without their kids, they may get very frustrated, angry, disappointed but everything goes through time. and if ever you get caught or it cant be kept any longer, confront and tell your parents honestly. Consider their mood and the perfect time to tell them.