Critique beginning of comic

[Easelberry]

So today I drew five draft pages of a comic. I showed it to my mother and brother and they independently agreed that it sucked. I've been reading books about comics for over a year, but this is my first attempt at full pages. I never considered myself a strong writer, but it's difficult for me to look objectively at my own work--I can't see what I'm missing since the story is in my head. I mean, I can see the inconsistencies and lazy bits in the art, and I know I can fix that. But storytelling? I can't tell.

Basically, I want to know how to improve it story/art/claritywise before I make the effort to ruler up and ink and color the pages. If it's boring/stereotypical/nonsense I want to know before I waste any more time.

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[Tenko72]

I'm not sure what tone you were going for. If it was "silly", you succeeded. Using eyes of newts to put out a fire is so out there that I can't help but smile. The rule of threes thing amused me too. The part about Rhys's clothes was also funny.

The flow is fine. I never had any trouble figuring what to read next.

The text is readable, but you should avoid having to hyphenate a word like the plague. Find a smaller word or make the bubble bigger.

The quest thing has been done before, but still, I'd read this. I want to know what happens next.

[Easelberry]

Tenko72

I'm not sure what tone you were going for. If it was "silly", you succeeded. Using eyes of newts to put out a fire is so out there that I can't help but smile. The rule of threes thing amused me too. The part about Rhys's clothes was also funny.

The flow is fine. I never had any trouble figuring what to read next.

The text is readable, but you should avoid having to hyphenate a word like the plague. Find a smaller word or make the bubble bigger.

The quest thing has been done before, but still, I'd read this. I want to know what happens next.

I guess I was going for "Exploit the loser protagonist" so I'm glad you found it funny.

And I did some neatening today and eliminated the hyphens. Thanks for pointing that out, otherwise they'd still be there..

Thank you for your comment! I cherish feedback.

[[~Ramble.Corset~]]

art needs some work but I quite liked it
I don't usually like it when it's 'something happened! now let's chat' type opening, but it worked at establishing the character of his teacher. however, her last line can be clearly paraphrased as:
'you have broken the rule, therefore I must start the plot!!'
student: 'D:'
but since it's humorous I don't mind ^^

[eclectic rhapsody]

I don't think it's all that bad. The heir-looms and the "rule of three" were cute. The only thing that bothered me is that it was incredibly hard for me to read a lot of what was happening. I can understand that this is a draft, but I think readability is important if we're supposed to be critiquing the writing. d:

[Easelberry]

[~Ramble.Corset~]

art needs some work but I quite liked it
I don't usually like it when it's 'something happened! now let's chat' type opening, but it worked at establishing the character of his teacher. however, her last line can be clearly paraphrased as:
'you have broken the rule, therefore I must start the plot!!'
student: 'D:'
but since it's humorous I don't mind ^^

Yeah that's true. It's a super transparent transition. Perhaps I should work on sublety for the future...
I'm glad you brought it up as a cliche, but I'm glad it wasn't a total failure and you can appreciate it on a humorous level. Thanks.

[Easelberry]

eclectic rhapsody

I don't think it's all that bad. The heir-looms and the "rule of three" were cute. The only thing that bothered me is that it was incredibly hard for me to read a lot of what was happening. I can understand that this is a draft, but I think readability is important if we're supposed to be critiquing the writing. d:

You mean in terms of syntax, or physical handwriting? I'm going to letter it by hand so if you mean the latter, I'll do my best to make it all neat and pretty. Thanks!

[eclectic rhapsody]

Oh, sorry- I meant the handwriting. Some of it is fading in places. Good luck to you.

[Redfox44]

I like it it looks like a interesting story. but I would re-thing doing the lettering by hand, to me a hand written comic look a bit sloppy. I us to do everything by hand but when it came to posting it online (if that what you want to do) the image and the words never come out well.

[Foxgirl_Kira]

I like it. It is not bad for a first try. Though I would use a straight edge to make the panels and then go back with a pencil and make the lines a bit clearer if you are going to ink it later.
The anatomy needs a bit of work but that will come with time. Also when he is being blown back from the kettle it looks good but the movement could be taken further. But again that takes time.

[Hehekea]

First note, rulers are your best friend. Even in the very first draft. Clean lines make a rough draft look less rough.
You should work on perspective. In the very first panel, the caldron looks like it was added in after the background and character. It looks sideways. Also it looks like the panel where he's dropping in the eyes was added last second.
The best way to avoid this is to get a notepad. Draw two to four rectangles on the left side, and doodle in the art and speech bubbles. Label each bubble 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ect. Then beside the box, write in the text that will be there later. Do a portion of the story, then go through and redo what ever is wrong. This isn't about the art, it's about the panel placement, as well as speech/though bubble placement. This is where to really get to working on the flow of thought, speech, and movement through the page.
Then once you've got all the not art related details down, grab some low grade line-less paper. Using a rule and such make the panels and all the outside lines. Then you go in a sketch out the character. You do this as light as possible, or with a scanner you can buy a special pencil that wont show up on the scanned version. Then you start finalizing details with a pencil. Then you can go over with a pen, or you can scan it and with photoshop you can do the inking.

As for the art, just study drawing more. The more you draw comics/mangas the better you will get. Look at tutorials for art and you'll get better. Your art isn't bad though.
For a rough draft, it's fine, but if you plan everything before you do it, it will look much better.

[vo-neko]

is it a oneshot?

[vo-neko]

Oh and your style is very unique biggrin

[paramecium99]

Use a ruler, ink your work and work on your proportions.

Appart from that you have some ok drawings here. Keep it up.

[Winniwyn]

Easelberry

[~Ramble.Corset~]

art needs some work but I quite liked it
I don't usually like it when it's 'something happened! now let's chat' type opening, but it worked at establishing the character of his teacher. however, her last line can be clearly paraphrased as:
'you have broken the rule, therefore I must start the plot!!'
student: 'D:'
but since it's humorous I don't mind ^^

Yeah that's true. It's a super transparent transition. Perhaps I should work on sublety for the future...
I'm glad you brought it up as a cliche, but I'm glad it wasn't a total failure and you can appreciate it on a humorous level. Thanks.

Keep in mind that having a cliché here and there isn’t necessarily a bad thing either. So don’t worry about going out of your way to avoid them or anything like that.