so matt completely avoided me in the halls, which i guess i expected either way.
even if we weren't in this weird kinda "broken up" situation, i don't fit in with his crowd.
he did sit with me in math class though, which was kinda nice.
this semester is going to suck a**, but at least i'll have him for one period.
i'm worried he's embarrassed to be with me though, to be honest.
he knows he likes me. he adores all my great qualities. he has so much fun with me.
but he's this super super superrr gorgeous, kind and intelligent jock.
i feel like when he's with his friends and looks at me, all he sees is a slut or a junkie.
because when we're alone i really feel like he cares. but it's like as soon as we're at school i'm a bother.
i mean it sucks, and hurts. like jeez, yesterday i cried so hard over it.
but i'm not telling him that. i'm just trying to be understanding.
today in class though, he kept wanting me to head butt him.
i don't know why i do that, i think it's from austin. whenever i like someone i head butt them gently after kissing.
but matt really liked it i guess, he thought it was cute. so he'd lean over and initiate a head butt.
then like in the middle of class while the teacher was doing an intro to the course,
he started rambling about how one day he likes me so much, then the next he gets really confused.
i just kinda nodded and told him it was okay.
i hate this, because i really adore the guy. i would be with him in a heart beat if he wanted.
i mean after my huge cry yesterday, i've really calmed down. because there was just so much built up.
and it does hurt you know, like how i truly believe he doesn't feel like i'm good enough for him on social standards.
but i really just refuse to let that get to me. i mean i've never fit in, and really. it's not a priority.
and even though it hurt at first, i'm not going to allow myself to feel like a loser just over some guy.
i'm so tempted to ask him to come over tomorrow, because i want to kiss him so badly.
but i'm just going to give him space i guess. i just don't want to chase after him anymore.
i totally like him. but we're at different paces with this and i can't force him to feel something he can't.
i need to show him he can feel comfortable with me.
that i'm actually a really good person, and i'm understanding.