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100 Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts1. I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".
2. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
3. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".
4. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
5. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.
6. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to "Get a room" whenever they start to fight.
7. The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.
8. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
9. I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".
10. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.
11. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.
12. I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"
13. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
14. I am not allowed to ask Hermione and Ginny if they know what a 'menage a trois' is.
15. I will not send shampoo to Snape's office, no matter how badly he needs it.
16. Naughty jokes regarding "Moaning" Myrtle are only funny the first time.
17. Singing "Slytherins are Sexier" in Potion's class will not get me extra points.
18. Even though they are easier to use and probably more effective, I will not use guns against the Deatheaters.
19. Screaming "VOLDEMORT!" in crowded hallways is not in good taste.
20. Stealing Draco's underwear and selling it on Ebay to horny fangirls is not ethical, nor profitable (note to self: Steal Potter's underwear instead).
21. I will not refer to Ron Weasley as "that red-headed twit" in polite company (impolite company is just fine).
22. The "I Hate Snape" Club is not a valid after-class activity.
23. Making Harry Potter action figures without his permission is wrong. Making Draco Malfoy pay double for them is also wrong.
24. I will not tell Grawp that "Hermy" will give him a kiss if he eats certain members of the faculty.
25. "Potter 6, Voldemort 0", is not a valid T-shirt slogan
26. Writing sexy love letters to Professor Dumbledore, signed by "Your Kitten", is not a ethical means to skip Transfiguration class (though it is effective).
27. I will not address the Professor with a loud "Heil Umbridge!" and accompanying salute.
28. Having Colin and Dennis Creevy follow Harry Potter all day is cruel and unusual punishment.
29. I will not sell pennies as priceless, Muggle collector coins.
30. I will not spread rumors about Draco's deviant sexuality.
31. Asking Professor Snape to show you how to make a love potion is not reccomended.
32. I will not charm Firenze pink and call him "my little pony."
33. Madam Pomfrey does not dispense condoms.
34. Do not ask Professor Sinistra to show you "Uranus".
35. A good way to piss Hermione off: Write "Hermione Granger was here" on multiple library books, thereby banning her from the library.
36. Dobby, even though he apparently went to grammer school with him, is NOT Yoda in disguise.
37. Telling the first years about the time your friend got eaten by the giant squid is NOT appropriate. Ever.
38. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
39. Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".
40. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.
41. Sir Cadogan is not one of the knights who say "NI".
42. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.
43. I will stop charming Professor Snape's robes to bright purple (or any bright color for that matter).
44. Mail order dinosaurs are NOT good birthday presents for Hagrid. No matter how much of a discount you get on them.
45. "Quidditch Players Do It in the Air" broom stickers are not allowed.
46. Shaving Mrs. Norris is not a public service.
47. Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.
48. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".
49. Asking Professor Flitwick if there is a charm to remove clothes, or give you x-ray vision, is not permitted.
50. Asking Professor Flitwick where Snow White is is not permitted.
51. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
52. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".
53. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".
54. I will not call the Defence Against Dark Arts teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.
55. I am not a sloth Animagus.
56. I am not a tribble Animagus.
57. I will not lick Trevor.
58. I am not to owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.
59. I will not go to any fundamentalist websites and argue that Voldemort is a direct contradiction of the concept of "intelligent design."
60. I will not create a pin-up calendar of the Slytherin girls and call it "Voldie's Angels".
61. I will not convince the house elves to unionize.
62. The Muggle known as George W. Bush is not related to or working for Lord Voldemort in any way, and I am to stop insinuating that he is.
63. There are spoons. I will not destroy, transfigure, disappear or rename the cutlery so that there are no spoons.
64. The Head Girl and Head Boy do not perform sexual favors.
65. I will stop insisting that witchcraft is just a metaphor for lesbian sex.
66. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.
67. Attempting to create real tribbles is expressly forbidden. Especially if it is for extra credit in the Care of Magical Creatures.
68. Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other Klingon house is forbidden.
69. Hogwarts is in the UK, thus the United States Constitution does not apply to any of its students. Therefore, 'Avada Kedavra' does not fall under First Amendment freedom of speech rights.
70. I shall not suggest to Remus Lupin that "you and me, baby, ain't nothing but mammals" and that we should "do it like they do on the Discovery Channel."
71. I do not have a Pikachu Patronus, no matter how kickass that would be.
72. Announcing "Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!" is not an appropriate way to conclude a Quidditch match.
73. Voldemort, after being defeated, did not get served.
74. Providing Engorgio charms to students that are... lacking... before the Winter Ball will make your Head of House most displeased.
75. "You might be a pureblood if..." jokes will get me in trouble, especially in front of Slytherins.
76. The condition of Professor Snape's hair has nothing to do with the Muggle movie "There's Something About Mary."
77. It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that "once you go Black, you never go back."
78. I should not ask Harry Potter if he wants to talk to my "snake".
79. Professor Snape is not the Metatron.
80. I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"
81. I will not teach the veela the lyrics to "Oops, I Did It Again" even if they ask nicely.
82. Lucius Malfoy's cane is not a 'pimp cane' and I should stop asking if I can be his ho.
83. Stop asking Hannah Abbot if her milkshake brings boys to the yard.
84. Getting my little brother to record his latest thrash masterpiece on a Howler so I can listen to it is a good idea in theory, but not in actuality.
85. I will not refer to house elves as "self-disciplining submissives".
86. If a classmate is jingling the change in his pockets, I will not laugh at him for "playing with his Knuts".
87. Despite the fact that it takes place in a dungeon, I may not safeword out of Potions class.
89. Singing "If I Were a Rich Man" around the Weasleys is rude.
90. I may not sell Umbridge's quill to emo students, especially if they're no good at poetry.
91. Changing my name to Mary-Sue does not guarantee me hook-up rights with anyone I please.
92. Kingsley Shacklebolt is allowed to hurt me if I refer to him as 'my *****'.
93. Just because the black guy dies first in Muggle movies does not mean that will apply to Kingsley.
94. I deserved the extra punishment when I sang "Fat Bottomed Girls Make the Rocking World Go Round" to Madame Maxime.
95. "Beaters do it with Wood" is not funny, even if the only people who aren't laughing are the Weasley twins and Oliver.
96. Under no circumstances am I to attempt to create a Holy Hand Grenade.
97. I will not Polyjuice myself and a friend to look like Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, then give each other passionate kisses in public.
98. Forming a LGBT support group on campus is permissible. Claiming that it was founded in 1945 by Tom Riddle is not.
99. Replying every question that Professor Lupin asks with, "Are you ******** Sirius?" is not funny, not even the first time.
100. Asking Tonks to change to Marilyn Monroe or Jenna Jameson before having sex is just plain cruel and evil.
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