Yesterday, as I was walking down the hall to get to my next class, two cheerleaders were walking and listening to Fergie's song "Glamorous". As they sang along to the part where she sings "G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S", one of them turned to the other and said "What the hell is she spelling anyways?" Never will I doubt the stereotypes again. MLIA
Today, my mom was showing off that she is able to name all of the elements on the periodic table. I named all 150 pokemon. I do believe I won. MLIA
Today, my brother woke up with scratches on his face that he got in his sleep. Instead of telling everyone what really happened, he's been saying he got in a bar fight. He's 7. I knew I taught him well. MLIA.
Today, I had a science quiz on the periodic table of elements. At the bottom of the quiz I wrote "Chuck Norris doesnt not reconize the periodic table of elements. The only element he reconizes is the element of surprise" I got 2 extra points, and a new favorite teacher. MLIA
Today I got an update on the shipment of my Where's Waldo book. Apparently it has been lost in the mail and I'm going to get a refund on my money. Touche Waldo well played.MLIA
Today, I was playing 20Q disney online. It asked me if the character was male, I said unknown, it asked me if I would touch it with a 10-foot pole I said NO!!! It asked me if it was good at singing I said No. It guessed Hannah Montana. It was right. MLIA
Today, I put all my old blankets, pillows, stuffed animals etc. into a large basket and took them to the attic. My mom kept complimenting me on being so mature and "finally growing up". Little does she know I was only doing this to make the most epic blanket fort ever in a corner of the attic. MLIA
I grew up in a college town, and one Halloween our doorbell rang and we opened the door expecting to see trickortreater—but what was in front of our open door—was another door! Like, a full-on wooden door, that had a sign that said “Please knock.” So we did, and the door swung open to reveal a bunch of college dudes dressed as really old grandmothers, curlers in their hair, etc, who proceeded to coo over our “costumes” and tell us we were “such cute trick or treaters!” One even pinched my cheek. Then THEY gave US candy, closed their door, picked it up and walked to the next house. MLIA
Today, I noticed the word document I have devoted to my favorite MLIA's is longer than my two college research papers combined. I regret nothing. MLIA
Today I awoke to find a new PS3 with 5 games, my first phone, an iPhone and a complete Ninja costume including weapons. The PS3 still remains in it's box, the iPhone untouched. I have worn the ninja costume for the past 6 hours, and plan on sleeping in it tonight. Best 18th birthday ever. MLIA
Today I spent the day at a friend's house, and instead of doing anything productive, we spent most of our day rolling in somersaults over bubble wrap. Day well spent. MLIA
Today I read a MLIA about a person aiming a laser pointer at drunk people who thought there was a sniper somewhere. I did not think that even drunk people would be this foolish, so I tried it out. Three people dived under a pool table, the bar men ran into the back room, and everyone else tried to hide. Touche to you, MLIA submitter. MLIA
Today I learnt that the average lead pencil can draw a line 35 miles long. I now have a new goal in life to complete. MLIA
Today, I heard my parents arguing. Worried, I went to make sure everything was ok. They were playing Battleship, and my dad was mad because my mom wasn't making an explosion noise when he hit her ships. I love my parents. MLIA.
Today, I was at the supermarket and I saw a little kid in front of all the bananas. He was standing there for a good five minutes before turning around. He had taken all the stickers off every bunch of bananas and stuck them on the front of his t-shirt. I envy him for thinking of this first. MLIA.
Today, as me and 2 of my friends were playing hide and go seek in The Bay, some old lady who worked there told us she would call mall security on us. All 3 of us agreed that involving security would be the most intense game of hide and seek ever so we continued. We were right. MLIA.
Today a girl in class was showing me the necklace her homecoming date gave her. My date gave me a rubber turtle named Frank. I think we know who had that cooler date. MLIA
Today I was in a massive line in a very crowded pizza shop. After 20 minutes, I was getting nowhere. So I pulled my phone out of my pocket and made an order over the phone to the jealous looks of bystanders. MLIA
Today, I found a site where all you do is pop bubble wrap. Hello, new hobby. Goodbye, entire social life. MLIA.
Today, I managed to yell "pika" right before a sneeze. MLIA
Today, my neighbour knocked on my apartment door asking me if my boyfriend and I could "keep our love-making to a minimal volume" because the springs on my bed are extremely loud. Little does she know, we were jumping up and down on my bed to see who could touch the ceiling first. MLIA.
Today, I was in my schools dining hall waiting on some friends. Our entire school football team was also in the dining hall eating pizza after practice. Suddenly one of them goes over to the piano in the corner and starts playing 'a thousand miles' by Vanessa Carlton better than anyone i've ever seen play that before. Suddenly the entire team started singing along. My friend then pointed out that that was probably the reason that our football team never wins any games. MLIA.
Today, I wanted to sing a song in the shower that I didn't know all the lyrics to. I proceeded to print out lyrics, put them in a clear plastic bag and take them in to the shower with me. I'm sort of proud. MLIA
Today, these two annoying boys that I sit between in Science were having an imaginary war with sniper rifles and grenades. They were making a lot of noise, and I was about to tell them to knock it off, when theyboth acted like they had been hit, and fell out of their seats. I looked up at the teacher, who was slowly lowering her imaginary rifle. MLIA
Today, I asked my Kindergarten class what they should do after escaping a fire in their house. (It's Fire Safety Week.) One little boy said he knew a song about 911. Thinking it was a cute little song he learned in pre-school I asked him how the song went. He then proceeded to sing "Somebody call 911, shawty's fire burning on the dance floor..." At least five others joined in. MLIA
Today, my boss was slicing pineapples when he cut his hand. Instead of saying something like "ouch" he screamed "YES!" at the top of his lungs and ran out of the room. Three minutes later he came back with a ninja bandaid on his finger. I have never been this supremely jealous. MLIA
Today, because of a prank bomb threat, my entire high school was evacuated into the football field. After spending about 2 hours bored, my friends and I decided to start a game of duck duck goose. We ended up playing with more than 50 people, getting louder and more excited as the game progressed. We're being featured in the yearbook. MLIA
Today in math class, we were talking about when our birthdays are. One guy said that his was May the 4th. A kid who rarely talks said, "Other wise known as Star Wars Day." When we asked him why it was, he replied casually,"May the fourth be with you." We all voted for him as class favourite. MLIA
Today, a kid I barely know texted me out of nowhere. instead of "hey" or "whats up?" he said "i just bought enough fruit gushers to feed a small army." i'm considering dating him. MLIA.
Today, my girlfriend gave me a birthday present. It was a zombie survival kit. It consisted of a bag of Reese's and Twinkies, a zombie survival guide, and two Nerf guns. I picked the right girlfriend. MLIA
Today, I bought 7 turtles from the local pet store and painted numbers on their backs. I went out into my dorms hallway as I lined them up behind a piece of tape. I expected people to get annoyed as I let them race down the hallway, but pretty soon my whole floor was cheering on number 6. I love college. MLIA.
Today, while driving, I saw a stop sign that had the word "vandalism" spray-painted underneath the word "Stop"... I chuckled at the irony. MLIA
Today, I got a phone call from a stranger who said, "did you know your phone number spells PANCAKE?", then hung-up. I never wore a bigger smile. MLIA
Today, a new convenience store across our dormitory opened with the name "Bat Cave". It now excites us that anytime we get hungry or just need to buy something, we shout, "To the BatCave!" MLIA
Today I called my work to tell them I would be late because I missed my exit. When I got to work there was a sign on the front door that said Enter Here, then signs at every corner directing me where to turn, ending with a sign on my chair that said Sit Here. I knew I picked the right job. MLIA
Today, I got to school pretty late. At my high school, they play a song one minute before the tardy bell rings. I thought I had plenty of time, until I heard the Jaws Theme blare from the PA system. I had never been more encouraged to make a mad sprint to a class. MLIA
Today I was unlocking my dorm room when two of the building's security officers walked by. I wasn't paying attention to them until I heard one say, "-if they ask, I'll just tell them I'm a Muggle." I am now convinced my dorm has protection from wizards, and therefore feel much safer. MLIA
Today a big, tough looking man wearing all black pulled up at our garage sale on his motorcycle. I felt intiminated until he proceded to buy all 23 of our beanie babies. MLIA
Today, I decided to resurrect the ol' "Google vs. Yahoo" debate. I typed in "How to raise your" in both search engines. I got "How to raise your credit score" on Yahoo. For Google, I got "How to raise your IQ by eating gifted children". Google 1. Yahoo 0. MLIA.
Today, I got a call from my 11yr old niece asking me to pick her up on her walk home from school. As I pulled put, she was passing two elderly ladies on the sidewalk. I swung open the passenger door and said in my creepiest voice, "HEY LITTLE GIRL, WANT SOME CANDY?" The ladies screamed in protest. My niece and I high-fived. We are devious in an average way. MLIA
Today, my friend and I went to see Toy Story 1&2 in 3D. For the first five minutes of the second one the sound cut out, so the whole theatre ( made mostly out of people over 15) made the sound effects until the sound came back on. Money well spent. MLIA
Today, my Geometry teacher was teaching about midpoints, altitudes, and perpendicular bisectors. He drew a few points, and said, as he labeled them, "Let's call this point Jeff, and this one Rex, and this one Tim." Then a girl near the back of the classroom called out, "Why are they all boys? That's so sexist." Without missing a beat, my teacher replied, "Tim's a girl. Now who's sexist?" MLIA.
Today, we had our first big snow storm. Naturally, my kids put on their snow suits and played out side in the snow all day long. They made an entire snow fort in out back yard and held a massive snow ball fight against each other which lasted 2 1/2 hours. My kids are 22 and 19. I've never been more proud. MLIA.
Today, I got a call from Campus Security. They were calling random students to make sure they were doing alright. I had a lengthy conversation with them about how we both believe they should construct a bat signal to increase campus security. I won't be disappointed if my tuition goes up to cover it. MLIA
Today, I was playing Apples to Apples with my cousins and grandma. The adjective was 'hot,' so we all proceeded to put in cards like 'the sun,' or 'an oven.' My grandma put in 'lifeguard.' We all know who won that round. MLIA
Today I was waiting in line at the dining hall when this guy took the longest time to get his chicken nuggets. I was beginning to get really annoyed, when he turned around and I saw that they were actually dino-chicken nuggets, and he had carefully placed a family of them so that they could feed off of the salad in the center of his plate. I immediately understood and now think he's the man. MLIA
Today, I was getting tested for learning disabilities. One question I was asked said "Do you feel like you have secret powers?". I said yes. MLIA
Yesterday, my 3 year-old son was pretending he was a dragon, and bit my foot. When I asked him why he did that, he looked me straight in the face and said "Dragons don't need reasons". MLIA
Today, while at a high school party, I heard my friend shout "Yeah! Breaking out the 12 pack!" I looked over. He was talking about colored pencils. MLIA.
Today, I went to pick out a puppy from the litter my boyfriend's dog had six weeks ago. I simply picked the one I found to be the cutest and took her home. Later that day, I'm in my room and I suddenly hear a purring noise, which is really confusing, since I don't have a cat. I look down and see my new puppy, who then proceeds to make an awkward chirping noise. I have a species confused dog. I do believe I made the right choice. MLIA
Today, I learnt that it is legal in the UK for a woman who is pregnant to relieve themselves anywhere, even (if they should so request) a policemans hat. I live in London. I'm 6 months pregnant with my first child. My dad's a policeman. Bring. It. On. MLIA
Today, I was in class and realised there was a boy I had never talked to throughout the year, I decided to go make conversation. We were talking and I asked him what his favourite song was. He blushed and said that I wouldn't know it, I said that I would and he replied with 'The original pokemon theme song.' I laughed and started to sing it, we sung it together. He is my new best friend. MLIA
Today, my littler sister gave me her Power Puff Girls Halloween Costume to wash. To be cautious, I looked at the tags warning labels on the costume and came across one that read "You cannot save the world!" We'll see about that costume, we'll see. MLIA
Today, I was reading about laws when I came across one that said "In Trinity College in Ireland, it is illegal to walk around campus without a sword." I know where I'm going for college. MLIA
Today, my 11 year old brother left his facebook account open. Being the awesome big sister I am, I found the cutest girl on his friends list and sent her a message that said "Come over to my house...we can plaay wink " making it sound as sexual as possible. 20 minutes later she showed up at my house with Monopoly. I am making my brother marry her. MLIA.
Today, I was applying for a job, and the application asked if I had any special talents. I wrote down that I can name all 17 series of Power Rangers. I am 25 years old. I got the job and on my first day, my manager shouted "IT'S MORPHING TIME" as I walked in the door. He is 47. MLIA
Today, I went to go swim laps at the gym. I noticed that above the pool are fire sprinklers. It's nice to know that should the pool ever catch fire, we're in good shape. MLIA
Today, my little sister got into a fight at school. When I asked, she admitted to starting it by going up to a bunch of squealing Edward Cullen fans and saying, "MY Edward has scissors for hands, losers." I have never been prouder. MLIA
Today while driving on the freeway, I drove up to a tough looking motorcycle gang. All the bikers had another passenger, except for the one in the front. He had a Pikachu doll, complete with its own leather jacket and helmet. MLIA
Today, I was in a corn maze. I decided to yell out "Marco" and see what happened. Someone responded "Polo" and we continued this until we met. We now have a date. MLIA.
Next week, I'm moving to California. I was bored so I decided to look up some stupid laws. Apparently, its illegal to eat an orange in a bathtub in California. I think its obvious what I'll be doing once I get there. MLIA
Today, my school's homecoming dress-up day was "class color day." I'm a senior and our color was black. I thought that my all black outfit was pretty good. Then I saw Darth Vader, three ninjas, and a pirate flag walking down the hall. I suddenly felt like an underachiever. MLIA.
Today, I bought a box of Wacky Fortunes Fruit Roll-Ups. I licked off the section you're supposed to and my Fruit Roll-Up told me that I "will grow up to be a super hero named Dino Dude." I'm in college studying to be an archaeologist. Never before have I thought it was fate. MLIA.
Today I was looking at colleges to transfer to because I hate my school. My boyfriend has been telling people to transfer to his school but I've been hesitant because I wouldn't want my parents to think I was going there just because of him. I decided to humor him anyway and look at the website. Apparently his school has broken the world record for having the most people dressed up at Waldo in one place. Hello, second reason. MLIA
Today, I asked my mom to pack my lunch because I was running late in the morning. When I got to lunch I realized that she had packed my little pony fruit snacks, alien shaped crackers, pirate cookies and a dinasour shaped sandwich. Never have I been so excited. I'm an 18 year old guy. MLIA
Today, I was in class when my teacher began explaining her theory that North Dakota doesn't exist. She thinks that since nobody has ever met someone from North Dakota that it must be a secret government conspiracy. By the end of class we had done no work and decided that dinosaurs were indeed hiding in North Dakota and planned a field trip so we could find them. Class well spent. MLIA
Today' my mom got a call from my sister's elementary school. Turns out she kicked a classmate in the shin for making fun of Dumbledore's sexuality. I am so proud. MLIA.
Today, I was in my room doing homework when I heard my mom yell downstairs, "HE COMMITED SUICIDE!" I ran downstairs to see what happened and she said, "The fish! He jumped out of the tank!" MLIA.
Today, I was at a Taylor Swift concert. On the screens before the show, you can text messages and they will appear up there. There were tons of "we love taylor" ones. Then one simply said "snape kills dumbledore". Made my night.
Today, I watched an episode of House with my parents, who are both doctors. After the opening scene they started yelling out their own diagnoses. I think I will try to watch House this way from now on. MLIA
Today while driving to school with my family, we were all talking about where we want our ashes spread when we died. My mother said she wanted her ashes in the Pacific Ocean. My little brother then says "I want my ashes eaten on Fear Factor." He's awesome. MLIA
Today, it was really cold. While shivering at my school's lockers with my friends, I said, "They should put a heater in the sky." My friend politely pointed out to me that this would be the sun. MLIA
Today, I was driving home from school. A driver behind me honked for me to turn at a green arrow. I honked back three times. He then began to honk to the beat of "jingle bells". We did this back and forth for about two miles. We managed to get through the first stanza together. MLIA.
For awhile, I have had a hard time believing the stories about the costume antics on college campus. Today, I tripped down an escalator because a man in a gorilla suit was carrying another man in a banana suit. Well played, costume antics. MLIA
Today, I realized that if I'm really quiet, I can hear my dad singing in the shower through the vents. He will never know that I heard him singing You Belong With Me and actually hitting the notes. I am slightly disturbed yet impressed. MLIA.
Today, I couldn't decide if I should walk home from school or call my dad for a ride. I was reading MLIA on my phone when I saw the Average Word of the Day was "walk." So I walked. As I was walking home I saw a crossing guard doing the macarena as he crossed kids across the street. This just further proves that MLIA always knows best. MLIA
Today, I was texting my mom because she's been having a rough couple of days. In one of the texts I told her "I heart you." She responded with, "I internal organ you too." MLIA
Today, my roommates and I decided to make a fort in our apartment. I text the guys that live above us and told them "we're building a fort, start building yours and we'll connect in the stairs in an hour." Expecting them to think we were being childish, we were surprised an hour later to have a knock on the door saying they were ready. We connected forts, and it covered every inch of both our apartments and the stairs connecting our places. We spent the rest of the day inside it admiring it's awesomeness. I'm glad we can still be kids at heart while being sophomores in college. MLIA.
Today, I interviewed for a position as a nanny. After some general questions from the parents the nine year old girl approached me very seriously and asked "Do you like Hannah Montana?" I wasn't sure which answer would land me the job, so I decided to be honest and say "I sure don't!" She beamed and told her parents to hire me immediately. This is going to be a good job. MLIA.
Last night, I was knitting at a bar. A guy came up to me and said, "I've never seen a hot chick knitting before." I mustered up the deepest man-voice I could and said "me neither." He left very quickly. MLIA.
Today, I went on a date with a girl to a haunted house just so she would be jump all over me for protection. It worked all night long, until we got to the final room where the guy with a chainsaw was. That's when she shoved me towards him and ran for the exit screaming, "Take him! Take him!" I think I may have found the one. MLIA
Today, I decided to prank call McDonald's. When someone picked up the phone, I said, "Is this the Krusty Krab?" To which the employee responded, "No, this is Patrick." I have never been so excited over a phone call. MLIA
Today, I went to my parent's old college to check it out and to make them happy, I decided to go to the dance later that night. Not only was the theme Mario Party, but there was a ninja walking around the perimeter the whole time. I think I've made my decision. MLIA.
Yesterday, my dad and I were going dirt bike riding on our usual trail only to find a sign in front of it saying, "Closed due to zombie sightings". Expecting my dad to just turn the car around and head home, he parked the truck onto the side of the road and started pulling the bikes out. When I asked him why he was doing this, he replied, "When I have grandchildren, I want to be able to tell them I survived a zombie attack." Agreed. MLIA
Today, I was positive that the guy I have a crush on was going to ask me to homecoming. Instead, he asked me to go to Chuck E Cheese with him on the night of the dance. Now I know why I like him so much. MLIA
Today, I was told to type "Find Chuck Norris" and click "Feeling Lucky" in Google. It came up with "Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you." Google, you win. MLIA
Today, I was in my girlfriends car and a Miley Cyrus song burst onto the radio really loud. Two little kids in the car next to us suddenly screamed and held their hands over their ears. I have faith in todays youth. MLIA
Today I was wearing a Batman shirt. I went up to ask my teacher a question. My teacher said "What's wrong Batman?" I replied with "Robin, there's trouble in Gotham." He then said "Holy haberdashery Batman!" I completely lost my train of thought after that... My question remains unanswered, but my expectations for that class have risen exponentially. MLIA
Today in class, a girls phone went off, my professor took it and answered. He told her boyfriend he was the new man and just spent the night with her. I love my professor. MLIA.
Today, I woke up without sheets on my bed. My roomate said that in the middle of the night I had woken him up, handed my balled up sheets to him, and told him, "It's the potion of the elves, you know what to do with it." I desperately wish I could remember my dream. MLIA
Today, I was talking to my new girlfriend. She just got out of a really bad relationship so we decided to tell each other the most important things about each other. When we were done, she looked seriously into my eyes and said "Pirates or ninjas?" I'm going to marry her. MLIA
Today, I started a part time job at a nursing home cafeteria. When I served a very large man and a skinny man, suddenly the large one yelled, "Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, AWAY!" I think I'm going to like my new job. MLIA.
Today, my friends and I were talking about how unlucky 9/9/09 was supposed to be. Then one of my friends said, "Just think how unlucky 13/13/13 will be!" We had to explain to her why we were all laughing. MLIA.
Today it is sparkle day at my school. Even though I am a guy I still dressed for the part. One snobby girl told me that any guy who sparkles must be gay. I pointed to her Twilight book and walked away. MLIA
Today, my teacher was trying and failing to explain to the class what the Easter Island Heads are. After five minutes of watching her struggle, my best friend stepped in saying, "It's Squidward's house from Spongebob!". Everyone understood immediately. MLIA.
Today, I was sitting in class when my teacher threw a shirt at me. I caught it just as it was about to hit a girl in the face. Feeling proud I exclaimed, "I'm a ninja!" The quietest girl in class leaned over and whispered, "You aren't suppose to tell anyone." This is the first time I've ever heard her speak. MLIA
Today, I was lying out on the grass reading a book in my front yard. When I looked down at my shirt, I noticed a bee on it so I immediately jumped up and started screaming and trying to get it off. A moment later I realized that the "bee" was a design on my shirt. This is the third time this has happened. MLIA
Today, during biology, we were talking about the difference between herbivores and carnivores. One of my classmates leaned over to me and said, "thank god for Land Before Time". MLIA
Today, I took my family to a theme park. My six-year-old daughter wanted to ride the swan paddleboats to "feel like a cygnet". A cygnet is a baby swan. I had to look it up because I was too embarrassed to ask my daughter about it. Now I'm not sure whether I feel stupid for not knowing, or happy that my daughter is so smart. MLIA
Today on the way to school, I found out that I was adopted when I was 3. My mom asked me if I was ok, and I told her I was upset because I missed out on 2 years of birthday presents. Later when I got home, I found 2 presents on my bed. she bought me a super soaker and a G.I. Joe. MLIA
Yesterday, I was grocery shopping with my young son and daughter. We went to get dinosaur nuggets, only to discover they were out, and only had regular round nuggets. I fully expected a kid-meltdown, until my 5-yr-old daughter said, "It's ok, those are dinosaur eggs." Disaster averted. MLIA
Today, I told my friend that seventy-nine percent of people will believe anything you say that has a percentage in it. He asked me if this was true and I told him yeah. He laughed and said, "Wow, those people are stupid!" MLIA.
Today in chemistry we had a lock down. My elderly teacher immediatly began rummaging in a drawer for something. She pulled out 24 hammers and handing one to each of us said, "I don't know about you guys but I'm not going down without a fight." My school feels safer. MLIA
Today, while taking a walk outside, I passed a girl who looked about 11. She was singing "santa clause is coming to town" but with some of the words changed. I didn't realise what she was singing until I heard "he sees you when you're sleeping. you knows when you're awake. his name is edward cullen so be ready to get raped." you have restored my faith in today's youth, little girl. MLIA
Today, my teacher told us we would watch a movie, and we all cheered. He started the movie. It was a video of him teaching. Touché. MLIA.
The other day I read a story on MLIA about how you could mail a banana by just sticking it in the mailbox with a stamp and an address on it. Having nothing else to do as a bored college student I tried this. My best friend has now been calling me everyday for the past 5 days to inform me that every afternoon when the mail comes a banana ends up in his mailbox. I haven't been putting a a return address on the bananas so he doesn't know who they're from. I plan on mailing one to him every day until the end of november. MLIA.
Sheriff Hank: “Hell, I wasn’t even gonna call you out, but Binky insisted.”
Gus: “Binky?”
Sheriff Hank: “Oh. You don’t call him Binky?”
Shawn: “We do now…”
“Dammit Guster, when a man asks you to bite his toe, you bite his toe!” –Lassiter
Shawn: “You wouldn’t understand. You’ve never killed a man.”
Lassiter: “Yes I have.”
Shawn: “Yeah but you’ve never pretend-killed one. Repeatedly. I struggle with it every time.”
Gus: “Two times now.”
Shawn: “Yep. Both times.”
Lassiter: “Alright Chief, I just want to say that I am 100% sure that you have no proof whatsoever that I have done anything even remotely Old Sonora related in the last… two hours.”
Chief Vick: “Sheriff Becker would like to formally invite you into the McBain case.”
Lassiter:”Oh thank God ‘cause I was totally lying just then.”
“I’m the good guy, you toothless hillbillies! Though I did just shoot that man for real, so clear on out.” -Lassiter
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