fave quotes

"And God said let there be light and there was light; and God was lonely resting on the 7th day, and God said let there be cable, and there was cable; Let there be directv and primestar and pay per view so that my children have something to watch while worshipping me; Let there be ratings in news magazines and scandal in tabloids and ragtime and rap and spam; let my children taste the spam and resolve never to touch it agian, for it is unclean; let 1% of the people own 90% of the wealth and let the rest have me for their comfort; let there be food for some and none for others; and God said, let the good times roll; let there be the spice girls and the backstreet boys and hanson because every generation needs their partridge family; let there be self-esteem and spell check and calculators so that brains become lazy and believe in me all the more; let there be assassinations and natural disasters and executions and mass suicides and abortions and plane crashes and nuclear accidents because my children took that 'be fruitful and multiply' thing way to seriously; and God said let there be Satan so people don't blame everything on me, and let there be lawyers so people don't blame everything on Satan; let there be toupees for the bald with money, and paint for the bald who have none; and God said let the blind lead the blind, let the deaf sing to the deaf, and let the dumb become spokes models; let there be war and famine and pestulents on cnn and primetime; let there be celebrities, and celebrity golf tournements, and celebrity jeopardy, but make the questions so easy a dog could answer them; let there be vegetarians and vegans and romulans and vulcans and trekies and moonies and circus freaks and dominant trixes and harletts and haberdashes and hooked on phonix and david bowie, let there be david bowie; and God said let's dance, let's put on our red shoes and dance the blues; let there be art for the starving, pornography for the fat, and dogs playing poker for everyone else; and God said let my people go, and God said let my people come, now let them go again; and God said let me entertain you, let me say this about that, let it alone or it will never heal, let your love flow like a mountain stream, let a smile be your umbrella on a rainy rainy day, let it out and let it in, hey Jude."
"Most women prefer beauty over brains because most men can see better than they can think!"
"Please don't throw toothpicks in the urinals; the crabs have learned to pole vault."
"hey you might wanna scoot up a little farther, maybe i can make room for you IN MY TRUNK!!!!!!"
"Wherever you go, whatever you do, always wear a panty liner!"
"your child might be an honor student, but you're a moron!"
"What is this, national stupid driver's day?"
"you know who loves to get fisted? sock puppets"