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- Last Login
- 04/16/2007 7:43 am
- Total Posts
- 2603
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- Member Since
- 12/02/2006
- Location
- New York (although I am still a southern girl at heart)
- Gender
- Female
- Website
- Personal Website
About
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.If you are obsessive- compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid- delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you what number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
THE PLAN
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance
And darkness was upon the face of the workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying
"' It is a crock of s**t, and it stinketh.""
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said
""It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof"
And the supervisors went unto their Managers, saying
""It is a container of excrement and it is very strong
such that none may abide by it.""
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying
"" It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength.""
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another,
"It promotes that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.""
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them,
""It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.""
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him,
""This new plan will actively promote the growth and
vigor of the company, with powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.
AND THE PLAN BECAME POLICY
( this is how s**t happens )
I know there is a hidden message in "THE PLAN"
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance
And darkness was upon the face of the workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying
"' It is a crock of s**t, and it stinketh.""
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said
""It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof"
And the supervisors went unto their Managers, saying
""It is a container of excrement and it is very strong
such that none may abide by it.""
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying
"" It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide by its strength.""
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another,
"It promotes that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.""
And the Directors went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them,
""It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.""
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him,
""This new plan will actively promote the growth and
vigor of the company, with powerful effects."
And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.
AND THE PLAN BECAME POLICY
( this is how s**t happens )
I know there is a hidden message in "THE PLAN"
Signs You've Grown Up
1. Your potted
plants are alive. And you can't
smoke a-one of them. 2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than
beer in the fridge. 4.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep. 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an
umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the
stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time
Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than
settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy
test kits.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces
"I'm never going to drink that much again." 23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You don't
drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 25. You read this entire list looking for one sign that doesn't apply to you
Useless Stress Free Diet
BREAKFAST
1/2 Grapefruit
1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast
8 oz. Skim Milk
LUNCH
4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 Cup Steamed Zucchini
! Oreo Cookie
Herb Tea (no sugar)
MID- AFTERNOON SNACK
Rest of the Package of Oreos
1 Quart of Rocky Road Ice Cream
! Jar of Hot Fudge
DINNER
2 Loaves Garlic Bread
Large Pepperoni and Mushroom Pizza
Large Pitcher of Beer
2 Milky Way Candy bars
Entire Frozen Cheesecake ( eaten directly from the freezer )
DIET TIPS
1. If no one sees you eat it-- it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount
4. Food used for medicinal purposes never count such as: Hot Chocolate, Brandy, Toast and Sara Lee Cheese Cake.
5. If you fatten everyone else around you -then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods don't count because they are simply part of one's entire entertainment experience and not a part of one's personal fuel (such as Milk Duds, Popcorn with Butter, Junior Mints, and Red Licorice.)
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breakage causes calorie leakage.
8. Carrot cake is an unlimited vegetable.
9.Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
10.Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate. NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
11.Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.
I think I've found inner peace.
My therapist told me a way to achieve inner peace was to finish things I had started. Today I finished two bags of potato chips,
a lemon pie, a fifth of Jack Daniels and a small box of chocolate candy. I feel better already.
Showering Tips For Men And Women
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothing and place in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
Look at your womanly physique in mirror and stick out gut so you can complain and whine even more about getting fat.
Get in shower.
Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil.
Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure it has all come off).
Shave armpits and legs.
Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and you lose the water pressure.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tilex.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small African Country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
Check entire body for remotest sign of a zit.
Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
If you see husband along the way, cover up exposed areas, then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN
Take off clothes while sitting on edge of bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her and make "woo" sound.
Look at manly physique in mirror and suck in gut to see if you have pecs (no).
Admire package in the mirror, scratch "privates" and smell fingers for one last whiff.
Get in the shower.
Don't bother to look for washcloth (you don't use one).
face, then armpits.
Crack up at how loud fart sounds in the shower. Wash privates and surrounding area.
Wash butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
Shampoo hair (do not use conditioner).
Make a shampoo Mohawk.
Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
Pee (in the shower).
Rinse off and get out of the shower.
Fail to notice water on floor because you left curtain hanging out of tub the whole time.
Partially dry off.
Look at self in the mirror, flex muscles.
Admire package again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet bath mat on floor.
Leave bathroom fan and light on.
Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your package, and go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
Throw wet towel on the bed.
Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
ANNOUNCEMENT
Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor
manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all containers:
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like
a retard.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical
Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your a** kicked.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
I LOVE AVI ART SO DRAW ME SOME!!!
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