About

I'm a 24 year old male with a lot of eccentricities. I've been struggling with depression and anxiety since the age of 16 and finally hit a plateau and it's starting to even off. I've been receiving treatment for depression and anxiety which has worked well and I'm finding myself yearning to actually be productive as of late.

I grew up, mostly, in a small town called Derby which was in Kansas about 15 miles south of Wichita. I loved the town and loved growing up in it. I'm very fond of my memories of having lived there. Literally right next to my house there was a large nature preserve that I would frequently explore with my dog Jasmine. It was a pleasant excursion and I generally always went along the same path and never got tired of it. I would cross the broken bridge and a little ways further on there was a hidden path that branched to the right. I would force my way through the shrubbery and came out on a cliffside above a creek. There used to be a handle bar swing on the tree overlooking the cliffside that local teenagers would swing on before the rope snapped. There was a creek that wound its way through the whole preserve and further down the main path there was an incomplete treehouse that was abandoned.

The year 2001 was a very big year for my family. My baby sister was born, 9/11 happened, and then shortly after my father was laid off from the Wichita Boeing plant. We moved north to Lincoln, Nebraska where much of my mothers family resided. As part of a severance package with Boeing my father could choose to attend a college to try and earn a two year degree fully paid for by the company. He decided to attempt a degree in CAD and for a bit over a year and a half he went to school at the community college in Lincoln. My parents were constantly going at each others throats about living arrangements and expenses and that time seemed like a nightmare. (This section is to be continued at a later date)


In High School I did well freshman and sophomore year but around the very end of sophomore year my resolve just kind of crumbled. I started to skip more and more classes until my school decided to give me my junior year off to try and treat whatever was happening. They said it was no real problem because most of my credits were finished at that point. I was always in a poor mood and whenever I tried to imagine a future for myself none of the scenarios seemed appealing. For several years I tried many medications in lots of combinations but it never seemed to work at all, I was completely resistant to about every treatment. With the exception of the MAOI Emsam which actually increased my suicidal ideation hence why I quit it only after a couple of weeks.

I was 2 credits (4 semester classes) away from being able to graduate in my high school but then I just gave up entirely. I decided to drop out and not struggle anymore because I could not motivate myself in the least. When I was nineteen I decided to attempt Electro Convulsive Therapy after reading about the high success rate with patients that were resistant to mediciations. My psychiatrist knew my medication history and decided I had adequately failed enough medications to qualify for the procedure. I was still covered by my fathers health insurance at the time and it has amazing coverage. I was able to do two weeks of in patient ECT treatments and it was 100% covered by insurance. I actually had a great time in the psych ward of the hospital and met some very interesting people in there. Most of the time we just watched discovery or animal planet between planned group activities (which were a rare occurance).

There was one guy in particular whose story was shockingly tragic. He had severe ADHD and it was difficult for him to follow along with any conversation and he just kind of zoned out the world. A few years prior his wife had been diagnosed with diabetes accompanied by some kind of organ failure and at the time I was staying in the hospital doctors had predicted she had only two years left to live. I saw her once when she came in to visit her husband after her dialysis treatment. Him and his wife used to have a daughter and she was still around at the time his wife had been diagnosed. His wife has to use a wheel chair all the time and when they first got it they left their yound child alone near it for a short amount of time. Their daughter had climbed on top of the wheelchair and it folded shut on her, she suffocated to death. When the man found her smothered he took her body and tried to rush to the hospital in his truck. He told me how he had been crying uncuntrollably the whole way while holding her corpse. Afterwards he had a complete breakdown and spent all of his money on PS3's and flat screen tv's. He had worked on an oil rig and accrued 200k prior and he spent it all on an impulse. Whenever I think about how crappy things are in my life I'm reminded by this story about just how good I still have it.(This section is to be continued at a later date)