When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Ahh, that was fun.'

When life gives you lemons, make orange juice and leave the world to wonder how the heck you did it.

Evil Minions are the epitome of awesomeness.

In case of emergency oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling above your head and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

People who say that nothing is impossible have obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.