About
Dreams elude me, hopes foresake me. I have been worndering lately how do I describe my self. Truth is its a very hard question to ask who I am, because I am a product of every action and thought in my life. From the pain I caused when I was hurting to the people I helped smile. I wouldent say I feel sad now but I do miss alot of people who have come and gone in my life. Each time someone goes its like a little piece of my heart and soul goes with them even if things end on bad terms I still worrie and care even if I cant ever show it. I have been called a monster by people I loved and if asked I would likely agree, because I never know how to handle things right. I spent years as an outcast alone but it was my choice, that way I wouldent have to lose anyone.... Such a stupid choice how many best friends did I miss out on, how many smiles and good times did I lose. I dont regret the choices I made because had I made them differently I wouldent be the man typing this message right now, but I do regret the people who got hurt because of my childish nature. I love my friends past present and future and I am sorry to all of you who cared for me and stuck around to get hurt by my selfishness. I always thought I was living to make others happy but thats foolish, I relize I was truely living so I wouldent have to feel bad for not helping. Selfish and childish those words I think describe my youth very well. So back to the point who am I? Well I am a man who is scared to change because with change comes the risk of things like loss, pain, sadness and heartache. But how is living a sheltered life any better I still lose people and I still free pain and heartache. I would rather be hurt by someone I care about then be hurt because I lost the chance to know someone special enough to be worth the hurt. I want to make others happy but I know now that for that to happen I have to think of me too, because how can I spread happyness with a fake smile plastered over so much heartache. Friends, lovers and even family come and go through out our who lives, its up to us to keep those alive if they are worth fighting for. Just because someone is gone doesent mean you stop caring. So she/he broke your heart, that means you loved him/her so why pretend you dident just admit it hurt and maybe the wounds will heal faster. I dont know if the wounds will truely heal faster because there are still people in my heart I cant let go of and I dont really want to, sure they may not want to be part of my life but why should I feel I have to stop thinking of them. What makes me a monster is who I am but how I act. They say the first step to over coming any problem is accepting it. Well I accept that I am selfish and cold at times, that when I am hurting I say things without thinking how people will feel, that I am afraid of change and have trouble letting people into my life and that I am scared to be hurt so I push people away. Physics says for every action there is an equil and opposite reaction this means if you push someone you feel the force too thrust back on you. This also can relate to the heart because when we care about someone and we say something without thinking we have to live knowing we hurt or upset that person. I want to be the best person I can be so I can look at my self in the mirror and not feel like a failure, so I can smile for real for a change. I want to be the best man I can be so I can be proud of who I am... Thats all I really know right now.
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Its Misa_Kitti.
I hope we can still be friends!