Melissa's Story
(This is a fiction story, made by me. ^ ^ My Avi is the main character.)Hello, my name's Melissa.
I'm a princess who reigns from Selepia. Sounds like some sort of disease, huh?
It's a large kingdom, but quiet. It's a pretty dark town. It's surrounded by mountains, so not a lot of light gets in, and it's cold. Some how it's thriving all the same.
There is a large share of poor people though. It bothers me to see people who are just like me, out on the street with no home to go to in the cold.
I'd give them homes, but I'm not permitted to leave my castle. My mother died a long time ago, and my father is a cruel man. He claims he doesn't want to lose me, but in truth, he wants the kingdom to crumble. He doesn't let me socialize with men, and law here states that if I am not wed by my twenty first birthday, I am stripped of all rights to the throne. And I'm the only heir. Thus, with out an heir, the kingdom will fall, and my father will pass on a happy man.
Don't ask me why he wants it to fall. I wouldn't know. Some where around my eighth birthday, he suddenly just went from a happy, warm hearted, caring man to an austere, merciless jerk.
The only male I've ever gotten to know is my guard, Keenan. He's a quiet, lazy boy with soft brown hair and stormy gray/blue eyes. He has the most beautiful Chyaku Norisu scarf I'd ever seen, and he hid his face behind it(It can extend like an arm at his will.). He's about, twenty years of age. I'm nineteen, by the way.
Luckily for me, Keenan hates my father. So, in the dead of night, some times he'll let me go out and have a little fun. He's the only person I can rely on, really.
I also have a pet fish, Noir. He's a small and feisty, and I don't leave with out him. He was a gift from my mother.
Now, children, don't think I was going to let my father take away my rights to the crown. I'll tell you how I knocked him off his pedestal.
Keep reading. This is my story.
(Visit My Journal to view more chapters and continue Melissa's story! biggrin
Start at the 6/8/2008 post and read up from there. xD)
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It's actually pretty good. I like the characters so far, and I like how you describle their expressions, postures, etc. Your writing seems very charachter driven, which I'm personally biased for, as mine is as well. The biggest constructive critisism I have is that it's very fast; everything seems to snappy with no enough substance. I have this exact same problem, so don't think it's a big slight or anything. ^-^
Anyway, I liked it so far, and feel free to PM me if you add more or want any advice at all. ^-^
If you don't mind i would like to share something with you about your story.
I think Keenan is underdeveloped. He seems too childish. He should be more smooth and mysteryous. A ninja type almost.
Have you ever read the manga Shinobi Life? If not go to onemanga.com and read it. I pictured Keenan as a more macho Kagetora.