Dispatches From Couples Therapy
By Wendy Molyneux and Jeff Drake
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DR. MANSFIELD: OK, we're going to start with a very simple exercise. Jeff, I want you to fill in the blank. In order to make this relationship better, I could ...
JEFF: Um, listen more?
DR. MANSFIELD: Great. Listening is always good. OK, now, Wendy, I— Wow.
DR. MANSFIELD: Sorry, it's just that I really like the color of that sweater. It's very nice.
WENDY: Thank you.
JEFF: Yeah, you look great.
DR. MANSFIELD: Nice try, Jeff.
DR. MANSFIELD: OK, Jeff. Fill in the blank. The best thing about Wendy is her ...
DR. MANSFIELD: Try again.
DR. MANSFIELD: (makes buzzer sound)
JEFF: Sense of humor.
DR. MANSFIELD: The correct answer is tits.
DR. MANSFIELD: So let's try a little fill in the blank, Jeff. When I get ...
JEFF: Are we ever going to do anything but fill in the blanks?
DR. MANSFIELD: I'm sorry, did you graduate magna c** laude from Stanford?
JEFF: No, but I was just asking—
DR. MANSFIELD: Or maybe you have the No. 3 book on the New York Times nonfiction bestseller list?
JEFF: I'm sorry. I spoke out of turn.
DR. MANSFIELD: I'll say you did. Just fill in the blank.
DR. MANSFIELD: When I get a prostitute, it's because Wendy doesn't ...
JEFF: Wait. I've never gotten a prostitute.
DR. MANSFIELD: Please just do the exercise. When I waste money on hookers, it's because Wendy isn't ...
JEFF: This is ridiculous.
DR. MANSFIELD: You're ridiculous.
DR. MANSFIELD: OK, today we are going to try some role-playing.
JEFF: Oh, no.
DR. MANSFIELD: OK, Wendy, you are going to be a Wild West saloon girl and I'll be a cowboy. Let's begin.
JEFF: Wait, what am I?
DR. MANSFIELD: You're a monkey.
JEFF: Why am I a monkey?
DR. MANSFIELD: Tsk tsk. Do monkeys talk?
DR. MANSFIELD: OK, now, Wendy, come over here and sit on my lap.
JEFF: No way.
DR. MANSFIELD: I'm a lonely cowboy, and I haven't seen a woman in months. How about a kiss, beer wench?
JEFF: OK, cowboys don't say "wench." That's just historically inaccurate.
DR. MANSFIELD: Please pardon my monkey. He keeps yowling. And he's a liar.
WENDY: That's OK. He's cute!
DR. MANSFIELD: No, he's not. He smells. He doesn't make very much money. And, apparently, he doesn't own anything other than cargo pants.
JEFF: That's it. We're leaving.
DR. MANSFIELD: Wait. No! Let's try another one! I'm a priest and Wendy's a choirgirl and Jeff is a stupid ******** idiot.
WENDY: So, Mr. Stanley—
DR. STANLEY: Dr. Stanley.
WENDY: Sorry. Anyway, Doctor, we were a little less than satisfied with our last therapist.
JEFF: He broke into our apartment and stole a bunch of Wendy's underwear.
DR. STANLEY: You're angry, Jeff. And that's OK. That's healthy. It's also powerful, manly, and hot.
JEFF: Um, thanks?
DR. STANLEY: Does anyone mind if I take off my pants?
Last Login: 10/28/2010 5:13 pm
the greates thing you'll ever learn....is just to love and be loved in return.