About

Ive had my heart broken once before. I have closed my heart off from love ever scince him. He didn't cheat on me or anything, he just moved and left me here. We lost all contact after a while. I havent spoken to him in 2 years. I know i should move on with my life and let it go, but its just really hard. I have everything i want on gaia. I mean, i just created this account and im about to have my friends add me on this new one. But anyways, I have everything i could want on gaia. Im not in the least bit rich or anything, but i have my online love. I just wish he could love me again. I just wish i could talk to him again. I yearn for the touch of his soft skin. I crave the feeling when you know you truly love this person and want to keep them with you forever. I need even a taste of true happiness. When you hold them tightly and know that there will never be anything else out there that will give you the spark that you feel that moment. I want to love again, but im afraid to because im afraid they will break my heart as mine has already been broken once before. But, everyone will hurt you. You just have to figure who out there is worth the pain. I know some say it is better to have loved than lost but simetimes its etter to have not gone through happiness and love to be hurt worse than ever afterward. True love is when you shed a tear and still want him. It's when he ignores you and you still love him. true love can really hurt. Im the girl who seemed so strong, and i crumbled. Im the girl who always laughed it off, and i cried. Im the girl who never stopped trying, and i finally gave up. everyone is always asking me,"whats wrong?" But i don't even think it makes any sense. It's just, my heart hurts. i will never stop loving him and will never love anyone liek i did him. I might find love as soon as i get this emotional block down. but i might not, and if i do, than it still wont be as strong as my love for him. Everything i do has him in it. Wether im mad at him for leaving me here all alone to give me inspiration to wrestle or missing him so much to write the songs that i write. Smiles in my case are like band-aids. They cover up the pain, but underneath it still hurts. Our first kiss was on my bed at my old house. He had come over because his mom was going shopping for groceries, and he didn't want to go. After a while, we went to my room to go play my gamecube. We played at least half of my games when he asked,"do you want to wrestle?" And, seeing i had nothing better to do, i agreed. So we started messing around and the main goal, i guess, was to pin the other person down. We were both pretty strong for our age and didn't easily loose. One time i had him pinned down, and he said,"Your brother would kill me if he found us sitting here like this. Wouldn't he?" I replied," yea, he probably would." I mean, my brother doesnt approve of me being with guys weather they're my friends or not. And if he caught me sitting on top of him, i can't even imagine what he would do. So i was on top of him and i didn't get off of him that time. I slowly moved my head twards his and when i was about an inch away from his face, he moved his head up and kissed me. It gave me this feeling that i wanted to stay here forever. we started lip-locking and then frenching. Surprisingly, we both enjoyed it a lot. We became much closer after that day. We were always together at school. In the hallways, at lunch, at the dances, and sometimes when the halls were empty during classes, we'd both sneak out and kiss in the empty hallways up agenst the wall. We even had that moment. You know, that moment when you look into each ohers eyes and realize you love this person and want to spend the rest of your life with them. I wish he was still here. I reallyy truely loved him.