Letters To Myself~

Ever since the day you were born you had your life planned out, not because your family wanted you to be successful, but because you pushed yourself so hard, you wanted to achieve greatness in a world that had lost its motivation so long ago. I saw that in you ever day. .Though when we went out walking we'd see people who lost their motivation, they'd be on street corners with signs and needing help and you'd stop, I'd see you hesitate, you'd think of ways to help, but did you? Did you ever? and at night when you laid in bed after a long day I heard you take it out on yourself when you didn't do enough. I heard the names you called yourself- the way you lectured and debated how you handled things - things you couldn't have even changed. If someone fell you blamed yourself for not moving faster to catch them, if someone needed money and you couldn't lend it - you felt guilty. When the court case fell through for your siblings, I heard you, and when you got so beaten down for all the things you couldn't change, for all the ways you beat yourself down for all the depression, hurt and failure you made yourself feel. I saw you. The nights you couldn't handle the world anymore, you'd go silent. I'd no longer hear you, but see you. You'd lean your back against the wall by your bedroom door, and with shaky hands you'd run them through your hair before covering your mouth. Months of pain and held back regret that you had inside you, let out all in the course of a few hours by screams of helpless agony as you sunk down the wall. You made me watch and I'd hear nothing but the quiet sobs you released. No thoughts would pass through your mind until later and even then you would begin building up the regret all over again. You'd lecture yourself with how pathetic you've been and how you need to get yourself together. You'd ask me when was the last time we smiled and I'd reply with a sad, "I don't know". I looked through the lenses, I saw through your eyes constantly and I saw your happiness when you were happy and your sadness when you were sad. I only wish you talked to me more when you needed too. I watch you do great things, I believe you'll do great things, if only you wrote more letters to yourself.