My little storyI have a broken heart.. I'm not sure how to fix it.. I've lost so many friends, just by mere chance..
I grew up happy until four, when my parents divorced.
why is this important? my parents split and moved far from each other. I Got to see one, but not the other.
How we did this was, Id stay with my mom for most of year, then at summer, id get to see my dad for a month during the summer.
each transition ripped my heart out, going to see my dad, i was scared to leave my mom for a month... leaving my dad.. i was sad i wouldn't see him for another 11.. I loved them both and wished they were together.. all my grade school years were spent, loving the friends I had around me.. they were my new family. I also had my first crush, we actually dated (what you could call gradeschoolers dating walking around together occasionally. holding hands and saying I love you, but not truly knowing what we were talking about, to young.) No stories of her turning into a high school sweetheart here. no, instead, she moved, without warning, and I, never seeing her again in my grade school years.
Middle of fifth grade came, my mom met someone. We were going to move. Here I am again, my final day in fifth grade. ready for my gradeschool family to be torn from me.. The teacher knew I was leaving, she let me go early. As I walked down the hallway to my locker, all my friends rushed from their classrooms and huddled around me, telling me, they were going to miss me. I was so happy in that moment... I walked out of the school, got in my parents car, and left. You don't realize what you have until its gone.
New school, new depression
You get to meet new people, while getting to miss the old ones.
I showed up, was greeted with happiness. What I needed. maybe I could make this work.
Weeks went on, and I realized, I couldn't make this work. All these people had stories, growing up with each other that they could fall back on. Who was I? just some stranger to them.. I stayed quiet.
7th grade rolled around. step father was starting to get abusive. Had to look to school as a safe place now. But how, when I know no one? not true, a girl i rode on the bus with. She had slowly been becoming a great friend of mine. She was probably my best friend, someone I could be happy around. Never thought of dating her, until our final school dance, I was sitting in the bleachers as usual, watching everyone else enjoy there dances together..
But then, she came out of nowhere, my best friend. asking me, If I wanted to dance as friends! I said of course! we went out there, and we started slow dancing to the music.. as friends. I was so happy. The dance ended, this was a night for me to remember.. my first dance with a girl. "I was so happy, does she like me?" i thought to myself.
I wanted to investigate further, it made my heart pound thinking about it, but the school year was coming to an end, I wouldn't get to deepen our relationship any further until next year. The last bus ride with her came and her stop came, I had a note, ready for her, for when she walked by, i made sure to get a seat in front of her,
The note didn't say anything to serious, just a little drawing I made for her, telling her to remember me over the summer..
The bus stopped, and the time came for her to get off. I had the note and was ready to give it to her, but was so nervous. Here she came, walking right next to me, I watched her, as she walked on, and I still had the note in my hand. I messed up, I couldn't do it.. she got off the bus, and we moved to the next stop. "its okay" i thought to myself. I will see her next year. I spent that summer, with her on my mind, the possibilities of what could happen to us. It was so exciting, maybe someone I could let into my life..
8th grade year came, I GOT ON THAT BUS AND I WAS SO EXCITED TO SEE HER!
we reached the school and she never got on it.
"maybe she gets rides from her parents now" i thought. The day passed by, and I didn't see her, "maybe she was sick on the first day of school" I didn't let it get to me.
A week passed
Still no sight of her
"maybe shes just late from coming back from a vacation"
I thought to myself, keeping my hopes up.
A month passed
she wasn't there
"maybe she was really sick and couldn't make it for the first month"
No, 6 months passed, and I gave up. I was to fatigued, with my hopes. Just waiting for her to walk through those bus doors, or walk through the school hallways. Every single day.
it wasn't until a couple weeks later, that a close friend of hers just happened to mention that she had moved away. That was all I knew...
I gave up, I was done trying to connect with people.. I couldn't handle another person I loved torn from me without warning. I was anti-social for a good two years. step father was more abusive than ever, i relied on xbox live for friends and a family. You could say, I was help raised by the older gamers of the community, I looked up to them..
sophomore year was here, I started to mellow out, and just go with the flow. I was able to just relax more now, because my mom realized how abusive my step dad was towards us so she split from him. I didn't care what happened to me or anyone, what happens happens. Now I could feel safe at home. I was finally starting to just be happy again, just forgetting the past.
In this time, I started to gain more friends, and wouldn't you know it, my best one was a girl again. I thought to myself, I am not screwing this up like last time, we are friends, just friends, i'm going to keep it that way. I continued to tell myself this just to realize I was growing closer to her every day. But i couldn't let a repeat of the past happen, not again, so I tried avoiding our connection. I started talking to someone I barely knew online, someone I happen to meet while visiting an old friend who lived far away. What I did was foolish, but I looked to that girl for a relationship While having to avoid the girl closest to me.. This girl grew on me though, up until the end of junior year, I couldn't just ignore her, I actually took her to Prom. I didn't know what I was doing maybe this was right, maybe it was wrong, I didn't know at the time.. We had a good time, and hadn't been this happy for a long time. But at the end of the night, instead of looking to her, I was looking to the future. Looking at the girl who I had only met once. The night ended and we went our separate ways..
summer came and I was ready for senior year, I was ready to leave this place and be with that girl I thought I loved. I went up to visit my old friend and see that girl.
When it came to seeing her, my breath was taken away, she was the most kindest, most lovable person you could ever meet. But I only got to see her for an hour. Our time was cut short,
this is what love is, right?
I already had to head back home, I was only able to visit my friend because I hitched a ride with his grandparents. I wanted to stay, to be with her more.
But there was nothing I could do, I had to go back home.
while riding back, I was thinking how to get back to see her.
All this was happening while my mom had met another guy.
the problem, he lived in another town, and we would be moving there.
she asked me, how I would feel if I went to a different school for my senior year.
Then I thought of something.
Did I really have anything at this school?
I didnt know, I didnt care, I just wanted to be with that girl again. The one who I barely got to see.
So I told my mom, if you let me buy a bus ticket to go back to this city, i will go to this new school. She said ok
So i did it
I used all my birthday money to get a bus ticket and see that girl again.
This is a whole story of its own, but I will save it for some other time.
The point is, I got to be back in this city, for another two weeks.
Only to find out, the Girl was "sick" so i didn't get to see her at all..
I went back home, and stayed faithful. The thought "make it through this year in this new school, and you can be with this girl"
So my senior year, just flew by, I didn't let anything get to me because nothing mattered. This new guy though, the one my mom yet, he had worse anger problems than the last one. I used the idea of moving out of here and into that city at the end of the year medicine for any tough times I had to deal with him.
End of the senior year graduation was the last thing on my mind..
The girl from my old school was still on my mind, the one i took to prom. And I was still on hers. This was my choice, Take a chance and be with her, staying here, Or taking a chance with the girl in the city far away. I had talked to that girl from far away a lot by now. she was a good friend of mine now. "screw it" i thought to myself, i couldn't stand being around my house anymore, I used my graduation money and moved away.
I got to the city,
i got there...
and the girl I was thinking of this whole year
wasn't as into me as I thought she was.
I spent a couple months there, just to watch the girl of my dreams. fall in love with another....
Where was my place?
I didn't know anymore....
in trying to avoid an ancient problem of mine, It is exactly what i got...
I got home sick... I moved back
The girl I used to talk to, she moved on with life, going to some other college.. but she left telling me that she did like me.. but i had gone... I screwed up...
The only girl that liked me, was the one I avoided..
and now here I am with no one...
now I have to live with these mistakes...
Now I watch the world pass by me, as I stand stuck
in the sands of the past..
I have a broken heart..