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About
(Gentle Piano Music Playing)I was out at a bar... with my some of my girlfriends, having a ladies' night and I noticed that some of them were giving birth? So I asked my friend Tina, like, how are you doing that? And she said just... squat down, clasp your hands behind your back, and start screaming, it's easy. (Laughs) Well, it's not that easy-- I was squatting and screaming for probably an hour straight and having absolutely zero luck and I could hear people around the bar starting to snicker like "When is she gonna give birth already?" and just when I was about to give up my friend Colleen comes over and is like "Psst, You have to take your pants off first." Oh my god, I was so embarrassed... So I took off my pants and squatted down again and I must have caused a traffic jam because nine babies just squirted out almost immediately. It felt so... good! Ladies, if you haven't tried this yet, you have to do it.
When baby Vergil... happened, from my groin, I couldn't stop frowning. It felt and sounded like a sizzling fajita marching out of my toilet slit and I hated that all of my co-workers got to come and watch (reveals gun in lap) and the worst part about it all is that it happened on Memorial Day so I had to miss most of the parade.
I ******** love giving birth. It got me super jacked for my hockey game. People say it stings, but they’re just being pussies. When I gave birth, I didn’t even flinch—it's probably because hockey players learn to deal with pain. Basketball players are all little bitches who start crying anytime someone bumps into them. I guarantee that if any of the basketball players at my school tried to give birth they’d quit within five seconds.
It was... very important for us to have a natural, drug-free birth but our baby just had different ideas. Two weeks before my due date we had an ultrasound and found out that the baby had guzzled all of my amniotic fluid and was still very thirsty. He was trying to headbutt his way out of uterus so he could climb up into my ribcage find more juice? The doctor said we needed to induce labor right away. The baby heard this and yelled "Nooo!" and started spraying piss everywhere. This offended the doctor and he said that we needed to do an emergency c-section so he could give my disrespectful baby a spanking and I said "but that's not in my birth plan!" and he said "Oh well" and cut my belly open with a sword. Then, before he could remove the baby, the baby burst out of the incision and sprinted out of the delivery room, still spraying piss everywhere... and in that moment, I was changed forever. I was a mother and there's just no greater feeling.
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