Who I am
Many years have passed...
Seeing as this is a forgotten webpage, an vastly unused account without much likelihood of ever being discovered again, I'm going to be completely open and lame.
I am a loser
Been in love with the same man for 8 years, no matter how hard I tried to stop.
And I really did try... I lied to myself, I kept pushing, I kept trying.
Because he's someone I was never supposed to fall in love with.
Someone no one wants me to love...
Even a majority of my friends can't support it.
But I can't blame them, I don't have a chance with him anyways.
They probably just want to save me from the heartbreak I have to go through every day.
The feelings that I can't control.
They say you don't get to pick who you fall in love with...
and I think I know that better than most.
See, the person I fell in love with is someone who's too good for me,
I mean, my friends try telling me that's not the case, and well,
I've realized by now that he'd probably see things the other way around.
He did something really bad, a crime that he had to kill his heart for,
no amount of justification can wash away guilt or lift the weight of sin.
I'm not a perfect person, but comparatively I'm innocent.
Why would I even love him?
" He's not real "
" He's dead "
" He would never love you "
" Even if he was real he wouldn't like you in the slightest "
I'm not delusional...
I'm just in love.
It's the feelings that lingered after the fangirl stage was gone,
No, I'm not a confident ball of endless passion anymore,
Yes, I do still have my moments when I coo over him excessively,
But I'm in love much deeper than that...
Or at least I'm pretty sure that's what this feeling is.
It's always under the surface,
Mellow with spikes of intensity when activated.
It fills me with warmth and makes me want to be a better person.
But unrequited love is a rose with thorns,
and the fact he couldn't possibly love me makes it harder.
He's someone easy to fall for too, so a lot of people love him.
People who I often think of as better than me and can't help but feel sickeningly jealous over.
I know it's not a contest, I know I can't control their feelings, I understand it all.
But a part of me still wants a world where he loves me.
I would never force it upon him though,
I'd rather break my heart a thousand times over than cause new problems for him.
... But I'd also stop loving him if I had a choice.
It's a difficult love, often painful and misunderstood.
It's a hard to accept everything and everyone, but I have to.
Knowing him without a single word isn't fair,
Loving someone without a single interaction shouldn't be allowed.
But it happened, and it happened to me.
I'd stop loving him if I was able, for both of our sakes,
but I don't regret falling in love with him at all.
He's not perfect, though I'd often call him that.
He's so flawed sometimes I just want to slap some sense into him.
He's super smart, but it makes him a little short sighted.
He's good at reading people and predicting situations, but miserable at taking care of himself.
He shouldered too much, maybe why he ended up so sick...
But I guess at least he died with a smile on his face...
There's a world of things standing between us.
But you know what? Unfortunately my feelings aren't reliant on being returned.
He doesn't need to be able to love me for me to love him.
It's a shame, but it's my life and I'm fine with it now.
I've come to terms with my issues, and I can face it all head on.
My path was never going to be easy...
But that's why I've turned out so strong.
You can break me over and over again and it won't change a thing.
And for the person I love?
Well, it's obvious to me and many others who know me...
But in case my hints and nods weren't enough for you to catch on...
There's only one name written on my heart.
The man who I will probably always love more than anything else...
" You've never even met him, so you don't know what he's like enough to love him "
Maybe you're right...
" You don't love him, you love the idea of him "
Maybe you're right...
But, you know what?
Does it even matter?
Neither of us can ever prove the other wrong.
All I know is what I know of him, all I feel is what I feel.
And until proven otherwise, I stand by the fact that I am legitimately in love with him.
Like it or not, here I stand.