More than you ever need to know and then some
Remember what you just said, because tomorrow I am going to have a witty and sarcastic comeback and you'll be devastated then!
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
Percussive maintenance - the art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again
A piece of cheese could come up with a plan more cunning than that.
Life isn't passing me by; it's trying to run me over.
I'm not so good at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
I was gifted, but the psychiatrist took away my powers.
I don't obsess! I think intensely.
Muffins are just ugly cupcakes...but we love them anyways.
It is wise to walk a mile in a man's shoes before judging him... That way you're a mile away and you have his shoes.
A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.
At my lemonade stand I used to give away the first glass for free, and charge five dollars for the refill. It contained the antidote.
War is God's way of teaching Americans about geography.
Basic Definitions of Science: If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
My friends are the type of people who would try to drown a fish, but I love them anyway.
The buddy system is essential to survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
I like you. When the world is mine, your death shall be quick and painless.
I'm not ALWAYS late. Sometimes i just don't show up.
You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them more
Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, and then kill them.
Evening News is where they begin with "Good Evening" then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good, either.
Don't follow in my footsteps; I tend to walk into walls.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I'm not paranoid... WHICH ONE OF MY ENEMIES TOLD YOU THIS!
Don’t knock on death’s door. Ring the bell and run. He hates that.
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt”?
Ooooo...a life. Where can I download one?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill themselves, is it considered a hostage situation?
Yes I may be smiling, but I’m secretly laughing at your face.