"Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"
"I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!"
English, who needs that? I'm never going to England."
"I didn't do it, no one saw me do it, there's no way you can prove anything!"
"An optimist will tell you the glass is half-full; the pessimist, half-empty; and the engineer will tell you the glass is twice the size it needs to be"
Cheese… milk's leap toward immortality."
"We should be safe up here. I'm pretty sure fires can't climb trees."
"Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home."
Duck tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together."
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury
"I remmember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
"People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world,"
There Are Three Kinds of People - Those Who Can Count and Those Who Can't"
Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."
"A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch."
"A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed."
Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken."
"Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races."
"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room
Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?"
"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic."
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes."
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall
"If you can't fix it with duck tape you have'nt used enough."
"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film."
"All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific
"Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one."
"I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
I like cheese. I have seen purple cows. If two gooses are geese, then why aren't two moose meese, or when two foots are feet, why aren't two footballs feetball? Milk tastes good. People call me crazy, which I am, but I'm also random! If you're random and proud of it, copy and paste this in your profile!
If, with no warning, you have laughed during a movie part that wasn't funny, put this in your profile.
If you have an odd sort of love/hate relationship with your computer, copy and paste this into your profile.
If you're one of those people who get excited when you see just two reviews, paste this into your profile.
If you haven't died yet, copy and paste this onto your profile.
If you like chocolate as much as I do, copy this in your profile.
If you've ever tried to put your hair behind your ears and ended up poking yourself in the eye, copy this into your profile.
If yoo cant spel too sav yoor lyfe then putt thes in yoor profiele.
If you randomly check your email every five minutes while on the computer, copy this into your profile.
If you have a ridiculously long profile, copy and paste this onto your profile to make it longer.
If you enjoy copying and pasting these copy and paste thingys, copy and paste this onto your profile
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
Until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something
Right, there's a 90 probability you'll get it wrong.
7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the Fog.
8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those who wait, will be the things left by those Who got there first?
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he Will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
11. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of Jury duty Tell the truth and run.
All things considered, insanity may be the only reasonable alternative. When angry, count to ten, when very angry, swear. Education is important, school however, is another matter.
"Have you ever noticed that if you rearranged the letters in mother in law, they come out to Woman Hitler?"Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’? Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa
beans, and all beans are a vegetable?
CHRISTMAS IS CANCELED
Apparently, you told Santa that you have been good this year.
He died laughing.
The difference between friends and best friends
F: Never asks for food or drink
BF: Is the reason your fridge is empty
F:Bail you out of jail
BF: In the next cell saying "Damn we messed up, again!"
F:Only knows a few things about you.
BF: Is writing a embarassing biography you don't know about as we speak.
F:Knocks on the door.
BF:Comes in saying "I'm Hoooooome"
if you can raed tihs,cnorgadulations! You are one or the sarmt peploe who dno't need to look at the wrod idnivalually, but as a wolhe! Olny samrt peploe can raed tihs bceuase tehy are good raedres! Msot good raedres can raed a wrod wehn the frist and lsat letres are the smae and terhe are the smae auomnt of letres in a wrod!
Oh, I have a photographic memory... It just hasn't developed yet
I live in my own little world... But it's ok - they know me there.
Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate.
No I won't go to hell! It has a restraining order against me.
Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened
The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.
REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
The white man said, "Colored people are not allowed here." The black man turned around and stood up. He then said: "Listen sir...when I was born I was BLACK, When I grew up I was BLACK, When I'm sick I'm BLACK, When I go in the sun I'm BLACK, When I'm cold I'm BLACK, When I die I'll be BLACK. But you sir, When you're born you're PINK, When you grow up you're WHITE, When you're sick, you're GREEN, When you go in the sun you turn RED, When you're cold you turn BLUE, And when you die you turn PURPLE. And you have the nerve to call me colored?" The black man then sat back down and the white man walked away...
(Post this on your profile if you hate racism.)
“They didn’t agree on much. In fact, they rarely agreed on anything. They fought all the time and they challenged each other every day. But despite their differences, they had one important thing in common: they were crazy about each other.” - Anonymous
If you think squirrels steal your pencils, pens, and paper on a daily basis, put this in your profile
-Turn on some MUSIC so we can DANCE like RETARDS and SING like we're on CRACK-
-Old enough to know better. Too young to care-
- Chocolate = addiction
- Rampages are daily exercises, nothing more
- Can't control myself from lots of stuff
- Drugs are gross. They make me sick
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and let the world wonder how you did it."
When life gives you lemons, tell people they grant wishes, and sell for a profit."
"Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly."
One kind word can warm three months."
Shakespeare frowns on your emo poetry."
"The time has come to decide between what is right and what is easy."
Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people."
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow."
No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted
Fall seven times, stand up eight
I OWE MY MOTHER
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear,in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. " There are millions of less
fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16 My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me. "
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you".
If you've ever laughed during something sad and depressing and ruined a moment, copy and paste this into your profile.
Total Value: 66,723 Gold[Item Information]
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Total Value: 52,412,921 Gold[Item Information]
Item List:Portable Stereo HeadphonesOculus MythicaBlue Eye Stripe TattooGO PlayerWater Meat SetWinged AnkletsBlue Pawprint Pajama PantsBlue Sweetheart Teddy
Total Value: 327,436 Gold[Item Information]
Item List:Carol of Ol' Nick 2nd gen.Oh My GumballOculus MythicaBlack GetaGRIP ShoesBlack Glamrock JeansBlack Body Dye