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Jen_Renee's Journal |
I would like to write about my expectations for this site and myself in my first year in college. ;) |
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Jen_Renee
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Posted: Tue Apr 26, 2005 @ 01:52am
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April 25, 2005
My-oh-my! What an interesting day, I tell-you-what!
First off, there's a chance of tornadoes and hail outside...people are panicking. As for me, I'm taking sheer pleasure in their ignorance and stupidity. One of the finer things about being a college student at Navarro is seeing people run around like chickens with their heads cut off. Heh, for once, I'm glad I ain't got a vehicle to be pelted...so I'll laugh at everyone else....HAH!
I just finished writing my speech tomorrow over the greed of professional atheltes' ******** up sports (I haven't practiced, so I'm gonna wing it into 5 minutes...I hope!). Yup, I'm a sports fan, case ya didn't know. Mavericks just sucked this past weekend and Bri (my BF) wasn't too happy...well, neither was I. Only thing I had to hold onto was that the NFL Draft was this weekend and the Dallas Cowboys may actually have a defense this season...HUZZAH!
My friend Larry dropped by my dorm and we BS'd about comics. *sigh* It's awesome to finally have someone to talk to about comics who knows about comics!
My relationship is going to be brief (and I knew that from the start!) since he's leaving for a major university after this semester (which ends in 2 1/2 weeks) but we're enjoying it while it lasts (and hopefully into the summer). That's all ya can do. We'll still be great friends and keep in touch and that's always a bonus!
There's going to be a student appreciation dance Thursday (which is ridiculous that ya have to pay $7 to be appreciated!) so I'll be attending that. I'm going to get the traditional girlfriend treatment with dinner and the she-bang. Finally! I'm such a romantic at heart, I've been waiting for this to happen! Only problem is that it runs 'til 12:00am and I've got an Algebra Exam at 8:00am the next morning....well...I hope I'll wing that too..with a good grade.
Well, I'm getting lazy...so I'm ending this portion...now.
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Posted: Thu Apr 21, 2005 @ 09:44pm
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April 22, 2005
*YAWN*
Sorry, just a bit tired after just finishing a 1200+ mulitple source research paper. Yeah, ain't college life great? Well, I'm not depressed anymore. I guess it's just one of those cycles we all just go through when we have a bad period in time (*hums the Marc Collie song on the Punisher album*).
Well I went against my "*WHA!* I'm never gonna date again!" and all that other BS I posted earlier. I'm currently involved with one of my very dear friends and I'm s' damn happy! It's like my aura has returned and everything is well in the merry little kingdom of Jen (I can wish can't I?). Heck, even though he ain't into anime and some of things I am, we get along so well. Hmm...I guess that whole "opposites attract" really does work! Take last Tuesday for instance, we went to the park and played football (I tell him I'm a better quarteback than he'll ever be!) and later to the batting cages (he did well yet I did so poorly!). It was great being outside and just being with him. It didn't involve money or anything. It was just us together. Simple as that.
Only problem is that here is some debt that I need to be repaid from my ex. My father is pushing me to put a lawsuit on him. I tried telling him (and the ex) that I just don't want to, but neither of them will listen to me. Ah! I wish this would just all blow over and I could talk to each of them in private. I just feel a bit hurt and I never (and I repeat never) wanted anything to be like this. I want to be on "good terms" with everyone. That's just the way I am.
Hell, when I was in the hospital after my car crash, a preppy girl whom I had never got along with visited me. Well, while I was getting blood put back into me (I tell you that is NOT a pleasant experience!), she asked me point blank, "Was your mom decapitated?". My word! I was so upset yet in time, I did forgive and acknowledged her as a casual aquaintance. I want the same thing in this whole finacial situation. Fair deal and no one is hurt anymore.
Well it's weird ya know...life. Lately, people have been telling me (hell, even those I hardly know) that I'm "brighter" and "you look happier". I take their word for it! Change is good. It's great to feel like this. As I tell the lil' depressed kids on LI, there's always going to be those times when it seems the world is beating ya down; yet, for every low point, there will eventually be a high point. Cain't (yes, I actually wrote my accent...what 're ya goin' t' do 'bout it!?) be anymore true than that.
I wish the best to my ex and that this whole issue will be resolved. I'm happy right now and I want him to feel the same way. Gawd, that was sappy...well I better end this lil' bad boy right....now.
....Sorry, I lied! It ends now!
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Jen_Renee
Community Member
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Jen_Renee
Community Member
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Posted: Thu Apr 07, 2005 @ 12:15am
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April 6,2005
Gawd, I just hate odd numbered springs.
But of course, something bad always has to happen. If you've been following, you know the main issue. It doesn't seem fair that he's not hurting like I am and he's having a GRAND time! He quickly hooked up and everytime I see him and his girl, I am in a flood of emotions. They include: anger, spite, grief, jealousy, hurt, love, joy...I'm way over my head.
I want to be happy for him since now someone can do something I could never have done: make him happy. I truely want that, but I really wanted it to be me. It just hurts to damn much. I still feel hurt and it's eating me away like too much coke on a person's tooth. Whether its my thoughts or emotions, or my time around other people...I always have this guilt and hurt on my mind.
I wish I had a second chance to make amends. But I was too ignorant to even know what was going on..until it was too late. Oh, if I had that second chance, I'd made a huge difference! But it's life, you never get one. No do-overs.
I've also resorted to some of my old habits when I was under a major depression. I've seriously cut back my eating and I find myself delving more and more into my books and studies. I have nothing else to do! I used to but not anymore. I even tried to just flippin' end it...yeah, it scared me too. I didn't realise what I was doing with the scissors on my wrist...I just wanted to even the hurt I did to him...it felt "right" in an odd sort-of-way. Sometimes I'm tempted just end it all. I know it's a coward's way out, but I just hate this pain.
I was also asked out Monday by one of my friends. I still haven't decided. It seems too bloody soon, but I feel as if I should. It's as if my right hand is extended to the invitation while the other is behind my back waiting for the ex to return and embrace it. *sigh* I'm way over my head.
Maybe I should just do away with dating and getting involved altogether. My heart let me down before, so why should I risk the hurt again? It seems as if there's no point.
Think about it. If there was a "The One", no one would have to search or be alone the rest of their lives. "The One" would just simply waltz up on our front doors, ring in hand, and say, "Will you marry me?". Of course not! So why bother with petty relationships that are doomed before you even meet the person? Why is it even worth it?
I guess it's because of the memories. Odors, places, objects...they just spark a memory like a match to dry brush. And everytime I have those memories, it kills me a little because I find myself asking, "Yeah, I'll never get to that again" or "It's never gonna be the same...ever." And of course, I cry. I'm in a computer lab....there are memories here...I'm tearing up now. I'm way over my head.
It seems that with this "love" crap, I'll never win...so there's not a damn point in trying anymore. I'm just gonna get hurt again, it's not worth it. This breakup (to me it was a typical "dump" on my part) hurt about as much as the death as my mother. I guess it's because I got attached....part of me is glad for it...the other wishes I had never even met him.
I seem to know nothing anymore...to hell with dating! There's not a damn point in suffering this way anymore. There is not a "The One" out there for me, I've already learned the hard way and I ain't about to go through this again.
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Posted: Thu Mar 24, 2005 @ 02:18am
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March 23, 2005
I've been real depressed since I was dumped Monday, so I decided to post a funny story that happened to me to cheer myself up:
My Sophomore year of high school, I had a Spanish teacher that really annoyed the hell out of me. And what's worse is that he was a terrible teacher. In fact the guy was only qualified to teach 4th Grade Math, not High School Spanish. He was just a d**k.
So, at the end of the first semester, I decided to get back on him. I thought and thought and thought while "studying" for my Semester Exams and it hit me. If he treated him students like s***, why shouldn't I make him feel like that in his pants?
I then made homeade cookies and I ground up natural laxatives for each one (about 2" diameter). Each cookie, plus the creamy icing, had 6-7 pieces of the good stuff (they were extra strength; it's great to be in a medical family). Since I wasn't that cruel, I only gave him two cookies.
Well the following day, I went to Spanish to take my exam. After I turned it in, I left the goodies on his desk with To: Mr. Mitchell; From: Student. I giggled my way out of class and into Winter Break. When I came back, I was getting rave reviews from my peers. They told me my plan had worked...a little too well. While they stayed after school for driver's ed, tehy could smell a foul odor coming from down the hall and then footsteps...running really fast to-and-fro. They said they stepped out of class and they saw my teacher running back-and-forth from his classroom to the teacher's bathroom. The also said he had some "stains".
I'm so proud of myself and people never really bothered me. xd
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Jen_Renee
Community Member
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Jen_Renee
Community Member
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Posted: Sat Mar 19, 2005 @ 03:05am
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March 19, 2005
Hmm...it's a week until I turn 19, yet I'm so depressed (yeah, sorry this is a whiney rant...I need to get it out!). I did nothing all Spring Break...except hear my family's constant problems. stare
My sister is causing so many problems: anorexia, stole my dad's truck, failing grades, and just down-right spiteful-ness to me. Hopefully, she will go to the private Catholic school and what-not....I hope for her sake. xd
Also, my step-grandmother died this morning. She was ill for three years with stomach cancer. She didn't know about the car crash or mom's death...it was hard to break it to her over the phone last week. I couldn't be there with her because of school...aye, I never get a break!
Also, last Monday my wallet was stolen in the library. Everything important was in it! My SS card, ID, Student ID, a couple bucks....damn! And to think, a girl's purse was stolen the same night, in the same place...even worse, the school states that there are always thefts in the library...the library! If it's known to begin with, where the police, warning signs, and cameras!? scream
I feel so alone now...it sucks! When I met up with my old high school friends, and they made stupid accusations that "I have abandoned them for my college friends. That's so dumb and ignorant! stressed
I also feel that I'm a bad girlfriend as well. I feel I keep pestering him with phone calls and such. I don't mean to! I just worry...I guess it's related to my car crash, which happened almost two years ago. And maybe it's because I care so much about him...I don't know. Or maybe my first relationship and I'm such an ignorant novice when it comes to such things. I'm also afraid I say or do stuff that's rude, but I mean it in jest and I don't realise it until later and he's probably embarressed. I feel aweful. I will support an decision (unless drinking/drugs...but he's not dumb, he won't do such a thing). I have no idea what I can do. Imean there are so many thing I'd love to tell him, but I'm such a shy novice I'd feel embarrassed to tell! Things sappy and sweet like, "I'm very gald you're my first boyfriend and blah, bl-blah, bl-blah"...I even feel embarrassed typing it! Aw, I'll never grow up! sweatdrop
Well, that's my rant...a dark window into my mind...have fun reading! blaugh
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Posted: Tue Mar 01, 2005 @ 09:27pm
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Jen_Renee
Community Member
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Jen_Renee
Community Member
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Posted: Wed Feb 02, 2005 @ 10:40pm
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Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 @ 10:57pm
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January 25, 2005
*sighs* sad
Just about 10 minutes ago, I get a sign ( eek ) for an event. Well, guess what happens...this damned computer freezes during it! Damn, Navarro library computers (especially #25!).
The thing is that it's not missing the event hurt (well...yes it does...I'll never get my dream avvie), the fact is that this "mini" college is constantly draining funds from its students and not really giving anything back to them...oh, say a good computer and Internet connection.
Even worse is that when it comes to the school hiring jobs on campus, they never hire anyone capable of doing it. It's always the students (if it seems that half of them are here for an education) who already seem to have a "free ride" to college who get the extra change in their pockets. Isn't this wrong?
Sure, I'm not in any finacial crisis (I have my funds from my mother's life insurance and social security), yet I feel for those scraping by with what little they have to have an full education. Those who are working two or three jobs to make ends meat and cover the unnessary costs for tuition. While others will use their finacial aid for personal things such as tattoos, games, or even more peircings. Isn't this system flawed?
Since when does it seem right that the US government is paying for peoples' unnessary items? What about those who are legally poor and get abosolutely nothing?
The reason I am not working is because of my mother's social security benefit. My mom payed her SS every month so I and my siblings would be finacially secure in case of her passing early. Well, it did prove right...she was killed by a drunken driver in April 2003(a repetitive one as well...another government flaw). I can't work because if I do, I will lose some of my mother's SS. I would hate for my dead mom's money to go someone's "bling-bling". Would you?
Even worse, I feel that no one thinks I understand those who have to work their asses off for a living and a degree since I have my own funds. Guess what? I truely do and respect those that are constantly job hunting. Sorry, just a personal habit. I do however, feel a lot of guilt. Reason being is that I always have cash or a debit card on hand while others don't. It kills me everytime I use it. I don't know, but ever since I inherited this money, I've felt bad about myself for using it on items such as food or other tiems. I feel like I am no different than those abusing the government.
Sorry for this rant, but it is afterall, my journal.
-Jen
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Jen_Renee
Community Member
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Jen_Renee
Community Member
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Posted: Tue Jan 18, 2005 @ 09:16pm
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