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mood | squeeeeeeeeeeeee music | king crimson - i talk to the wind
Wow. I just got me roped into the London Gaia meet. I luffs teh warm glow that gives me. Now to keep it from my mother. And find an alibi.
Liruhan · Sun Nov 21, 2004 @ 12:05pm · 3 Comments |
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...but they're so hard to find in my cosmic mind... |
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mood | hyper music | yes - going for the one
Well, Gaia Fishing is kinda spiffy. My first outing (with the shitey rod) I got 4 yellow guppies, 11 red guppies, 2 tin cans and an old boot. Ho hum. I spent more on bait than I earned from fishing. It's fun, though.
My mother is being unbearable. Her latest idea is that I'm manic-depressive. She printed all the symptoms and stuff off the net and handed this big sheaf of her findings to me yesterday evening. I was like, "Yeah?" So she went through all the symptoms of manic-depression - apparent bipolarity (something she's been harking on about for yonks), suicidal thoughts, self-harm et cetera...and I found I couldn't argue with her. I'm not depressed, though, not now. Seriously. Life is better for me at the moment than it has been in a while and I haven't topped myself yet, have I?
I'm struggling with my personal statement for the Colchester 6th Form College application. I can't really write anything for it - out of school activities? Interests? They wouldn't understand if I put Gaia down razz so I'm gonna have to come up with something better.
And I've decided that I'm going to dye my hair pink and neon green and come to the work experience de-briefing like that. One half pink and one half green, perhaps. They'll love me for that. I'm gonna get a reputation at college, I think...
Liruhan · Sat Nov 20, 2004 @ 06:21pm · 0 Comments |
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...you know his blood still cries from the ground... |
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mood | confused music | u2 - one tree hill
OK, so someone asked me something today which really got me thinking. "Why do you wear a cross when you're not Christian?" It's something I've had to explain before, and something which is very painful to have to explain anyway, but it's necessary if people are going to understand me any better. I'm not sure any close friends of mine read this journal, in which case...well, perhaps I should reopen my LJ again.
The cross was a present from Jani. It started out as a joke, because at the time he gave it to me all possible faith I could have had in religion had just dissipated. Before that I had, to all intents and purposes, been a Christian. It amused me at the time, and I asked why he'd bought it for me, and he said, "As a reminder." I wasn't exactly sure what it was a reminder of, until Aku spoke to me soon after Jani killed himself. I was wearing the cross then, and Aku commented on it and asked why I still wore it, and all that I could come up with was, "As a reminder." And then it hit me, why it has this significance for me despite the fact that I am now an atheist. It's to remind me that I don't have to renounce faith simply because I've renounced religion. I can still believe - I still want to believe - but it's a belief in people, not a belief in higher powers. It is a reminder.
Liruhan · Wed Nov 17, 2004 @ 02:18pm · 0 Comments |
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mood | elated music | camel - supertwister
Well...my parents OKed my application to Colchester 6th Form College. I think it was more the fact that I didn't have any definite plan on what I wanted to take before, but now I've made my decision clear, they're all for it.
So I'm taking AS levels in Geography, Geology, Archaeology, History and Physics, with the option to continue all 5 to A level or to drop one subject, and I'm also taking an additional studies course in Creative Writing which will be a two term course in the first year. There are 40 periods a week at Colchester, and the AS/A level courses take up 6 periods each per week with the additional studies courses being 1 to 3 periods a week, so I'm heading for a maximum of 33 45 minute periods per week. They said the minimum was 27 periods a week but students could 'choose to study a couple more'. Eh...oh well. And they also said that most students take only 4 AS/A levels, but that if your GCSE results indicated you could handle the work you could take more.
So finally, I have some direction in my life and things are starting to work themselves out. The situation with Kyna is better, and I just have a general sense of wellbeing and good feeling towards the rest of the world whee .
Liruhan · Sat Nov 13, 2004 @ 09:54am · 0 Comments |
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Eh...I'm not really enjoying the Halloween event, but I decided to keep this for posterity:
<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v332/less_than_this/4c214ee18ebcc47d34e49eb6eb9ab823.png">
Liruhan · Sun Oct 31, 2004 @ 03:01pm · 1 Comments |
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mood | hopeless music | tangerine dream - mysterious semblance at the strand of nightmares
The past few weeks have brought back to me in startling, painful clarity the hopelessness of the situation regarding school and other such prospects for the future neutral It's crept up on me somewhat, because since late 2002 I have been unshakeable in my determination not to stay on at CCHS for A-levels but to move somewhere else which is not so capable of destroying every last shred of 'the will to live' in my being. So goes a recent conversation:
Allie: Ehhh...since I've made myself a promise not to get back into my own 'enter journal/rant pointlessly/leave feeling worse than before' cycle again, I'm gonnae make a small confession here - I seriously don't think I can bring myself to even care any more, about the whole sixth-form upheaval rubbish. After all this stuff I've said over the past year or two about not staying in <i>that place</i> any longer than I have to, I've ended up contradicting everything I've said and I'm just going to go straight ahead and stay there. I can't see that it makes any difference - since I'm not going for any kind of language study and since my mother is a stuck-up snob, I'm not going to Anglo after all. I contemplated CRGS for a few weeks since they have a Classics course, but then I had to say to myself - seriously, is there any point? How can you guarantee that it's going to be any better than what you've got at the moment? I feel horribly sad for admitting it, but it is <i>because the prospect of upheaval like that is "too scary"</i>. What with everything that's going on at the moment, and me feeling too awkward to talk to anyone about it, let alone you (in the current state of our fellowship at any rate neutral ) despite the fact that an extended rant to you used to sort out the problem far better than simply a shirt whine with anyone else (however guilty I felt for burdening you with more than your own problems at the time), I just can't prepare myself to do anything like that. Heck knows I probably won't get the grades our wonderful school wants anyway and actually end up being physically chucked out and this rant will be for nothing, but it saddens me terribly because I feel like I'm just letting go of everything I fought against these past couple of years and allowing it to get the better of me neutral 'Divide and conquer' seems to be the phrase sticking in my head at the moment - I can't help feeling that if I hadn't been so bloody stubborn over everything and actually let someone at least try and help, I wouldn't be in such a position now. I just feel that everyone is drifting apart. Just because this will be a period of upheaval doesn't mean we have to let go of some of our old ties.
Kyna: I dunno why, but I always had the impression you were going to stay on anyway. Probably because I know you'll thrive at CCHS, because despite complaining about the place you actually DO the work lol, and that's all that matters really. Where you and I differ therefore is that you see things falling apart and want to cling on to something familiar, whereas I just want out all the time : And even if this wasn't the case, CCHS simply don't offer any courses that I would want to suffer two more years there for (Philosophy of Religion, NO THANK YOU *vomits*) Anyway, I know this is THE most hypocritical thing I've ever said, but if you ever want to rant, I'm here to listen biggrin
Allie: <i>I dunno why, but I always had the impression you were going to stay on anyway. Probably because I know you'll thrive at CCHS, because despite complaining about the place you actually DO the work lol, and that's all that matters really.</i>
That made me laugh for some reason. I think I have actually done ******** all this term except for scrounging certain pieces off certain friends. I doubt the school would want me even if I did get the grades. I just can't picture myself, wearing myself ragged simply to get the grades the school expects, so it's saddening that I've come to this conclusion to stay there.
<i>Where you and I differ therefore is that you see things falling apart and want to cling on to something familiar</i>
Whereas this doesn't make me laugh at all. I feel like the world is crumbling around me, like everything I once knew is just decaying into no more than a bittersweet memory, and it's not so much clinging on to familiarity as finding that there are no other options than to stick with something I've come to loathe. Having said that, CCHS is probably the only constant in my life, more constant than the company of myself - at least at CCHS I know what to expect, I can pretty much predict what the outcomes of various things will be, and when I can't be sure of anything else it's something of a comfort to have that stability. I don't know whether you've ever noticed, but I'm not the kind of person who likes the Unknown - I like to know what's going to happen, and rarely do something without at least having an idea of the consequences. Not the sort of person to take a leap of faith, in other words, and I feel that uprooting myself at this point would be doing just that. I'd have to put my trust in something that I have no clue about. I hate <i>not knowing</i> - I suppose some might call it over-curiosity, but I feel it's just an inherent mistrust of anything new, any momentary blip in the flatline of my life. Security and insecurity rolled into one neutral
Kyna: Of course there are other options, the very fact that you're AT CCHS makes you an A-grade student and therefore you could go pretty much anywhere you choose - or you could go nowhere at all! Just because you don't like/are afraid of those other choices doesn't mean they're not there. I CAN understand that fear of the unknown, because it tries my endurance too sometimes (as it does everyone's.) Unfortunately, such leaps of ....I prefer to call them probability hehe... are sometimes the best path (and at some points necessary to progress). So somehow I don't think it's justification on its own to do something simply because you're scared of the alternatives. I'm not saying you shouldn't stay on of course, I just want to recommend you think about your choices very VERY carefully before you make them.
Allie: Egh...I'm not sure that it's because I'm afraid of the alternatives that I've come to this decision. I've just been feeling increasingly apathetic these past couple of months - and I do remember saying once that apathy wasn't something I easily succumbed to neutral I just can't be bothered any more. I've torn my hair out and clawed the walls and driven myself round and round in ever-smaller circles over the subject of the Future, just not knowing how I'm going to cope, and now it comes to it I realise that with the subjects I want to take it's all going to be the same wherever the hell I am. At CCHS I don't have any kind of reputation to precede me - most of the teaching body don't <i>know</i> who I am and therefore I have less to put up with except for the overall ethos of the school and my sheer annoyance and hatred of it. I just can't see the point any more. I had a very similar conversation with my mother in which I mentioned (hinted at) sixth-form college as an alternative. Reaction: "but why would you want to go and ruin your good education by doing A-levels there, when you can get into any sixth-form you want?" That's the kind of snobbery I have to put up with. I told her she sounded like Mrs Howland - she told me that Mrs Howland must care about my future more than I do myself. I find that hard to believe smile ) but it doesn't seem worth it. Now who's the hypocrite? 8-|
<center>-------------</center>
Oh dear. So I'm not really sure where that pointless rant leaves me. I just feel...as though I'm burning bridges, systematically destroying everything which provides security and safety to me. Is it a good thing? Well, it means I'm having to rely less upon familiarity and more upon - unfamiliarity. I don't want to stay at my current school any longer than I have to, but I can't see any way out of it neutral
Liruhan · Fri Oct 29, 2004 @ 10:09am · 0 Comments |
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...into the unknown maw... |
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mood | counting the cost music | van der graaf generator - a plague of lighthouse keepers
I feel insecure without my Pawn Hearts CD. I lent it to Han and now I want it back. Just glad I copied all three tracks onto the computer before I gave it to her, or my brain would be self-destructing as I typed. I feel sluggish, as though time is travelling slower than normal. Eh, I can't write like this.
*posts lyrics*
Van Der Graaf Generator - A Plague of Lighthouse Keepers
I. Eyewitness Still waiting for my saviour, storms tear me limb from limb; my fingers feel like seaweed... I'm so far out I'm too far in. I am a lonely man...my solitude is true my eyes have borne stark witness and now my knights are numbered too. I've seen the smiles on dead hands-- the stars shine, but they're not for me.
I prophesy disaster and then I count the cost.... I shine but, shining, dying, I know that I am almost lost. On the table lies blank paper/my tower is built on stone/ I only have blunt scissors/I only have the bluntest home.... I've been the witness, and the seal of death lingers in the molten wax that is my head.
When you see the skeletons of sailing-ship spars sinking low You'll begin to wonder if the points of all the ancient myths are solemnly directed straight at you... II. Pictures/Lighthouse (Eddies/rocks/ships/collision/remorse.) III. Eyewitness No time now for contrition: the time for that's long past. The walls are thin as tissue and if I talk I'll crack the glass. So I only think on how it might have been, locked in silent monologue, in silent scream
Anyway, I'm much too tired to speak and, as the waves crash on the bleak stones of the tower, I start to freak.... ...and find that I am overcome... IV. S.H.M. 'Unreal, unreal!' ghost helmsmen scream and fall in through the sky, not breaking through my seagull shrieks... no breaks until I die: the spectres scratch on window-slits-- hollowed faces, mindless grins only intent on destroying what they've lost.
I crawl the wall till steepness ends in the vertical fall; my pail has sailed into the sea: no joking hopes at dawn. White bone shine in the iron-jaw mask lost mastheads pierce the freezing dark and parallel my isolated tower.... no paraffin for the flame no harbour left to gain V. The Presence of the Night / Kosmos Tours 'Alone, alone,' the ghosts all call, pinpoint me in the light. The only life I feel at all is the presence of the night.
Would you cry if I died? Would you cry if I died? Would you catch the final words of mine? Would you catch my words? I know that there's no time I know that there's no rhyme... false signs find me I don't want to hate, I just want to grow; why can't I let me live and be free?..but I die very slowly alone. I know no more ways, I am so afraid, myself won't let me just be myself and so I am completely alone....
The maelstrom of my memory is a vampire and it feeds on me now, staggering madly, over the brink I fall. VI. (Custard's) Last Stand Lighthouses might house the key but can I reach the door?
I want to walk on the sea so that I may better find ashore... but how can I ever keep my feet dry? I scan the horizon I must keep my eyes on all parts of me.
Looking back on the years it seems that I have lost the way: Like a dog in the night, I have run to a manger ...now I am the stranger I stay in. All of the grief I have seen leaves me chasing solitary peace; but I hold experience in my head.... I'm too close to the light I don't think I see right, for I blind me.... VII. The Clot Thickens WHERE is the God that guides my hand? HOW can the hands of others reach me? WHEN will I find what I grope for? WHO is going to teach me? I am me/me are we/we can't see any way out of here. Crashing sea/atrophied history: Chance has lost my Guinevere....
I don't want to be one wave in the water But sea will drag me deep One more haggard DROWNED MAN...
I can see the Lemmings coming, but I know I'm just a man; Do I join or do I founder? Which can is the best I may? VIII. Land's End (Sineline) / We Go Now Oceans drifting sideways, I am pulled into the spell; I feel you around me...I know you well. Stars slice horizons where the lines stand much too stark; I feel I am drowning...hands stretch in the dark.
Camps of panoply and majesty, what is Freedom of Choice? Where do I stand in the pageantry...whose is my voice? It doesn't feel so very bad now: I think the end is the start. Begin to feel very glad now: ALL THINGS ARE A PART ALL THINGS ARE APART ALL THINGS ARE A PART.
Amazing. That song has an incredible ability to scare the s**t out of me every time I listen to it.
*goes off to commit aural suicide, in Kyna's words*
Liruhan · Fri Oct 15, 2004 @ 04:53pm · 0 Comments |
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...the truth is out there... |
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mood | low music | jean-michel jarre - oxygene IV
My mother's in a bit of a pissy with me at the moment because of my 'peculiar eating habits'. I told her yesterday that I only drank water in the morning and then had lots of inverted sugar during drama practice at lunch which made me go wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeflump, and then some Lucozade on the train home. In the car I was talking virtually nonstop and I think that's why she was pissed off, because I wouldn't let her get a word in edgeways. I didn't eat anything else yesterday neutral because I felt too ill in the evening and got a splitting headache. I think maybe that's why I keep getting migraines, because I eat a lot of sugar on an empty stomach and then don't eat anything else the rest of the day. And I'm an official X-Files addict XD
Liruhan · Tue Oct 05, 2004 @ 08:30am · 0 Comments |
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...on the crest of the ridge... |
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mood | ill music | mike oldfield - hergest ridge pt 2
School was bearable. I got out of after-school drama practice because of a doctor's appointment my mother made me go to. I made a promise to myself when she made me go last time, back in January, that I wouldn't get conned into this again. Why doesn't she just phone the ******** shrink right away instead of trying to get me 'medical help'? She's been going on recently about me being bipolar because I've had the misfortune to experience the extremes of my mental condition in the past few weeks...I get up, I get down...as well as being anorexic, simply because I haven't eaten much as I've been feeling incredibly ill with a throat/chest infection or 'flu or something of the kind. I ate plenty today but I've still lost 7lb in one week neutral and I don't think that's healthy. It obviously showed or something because my mother's eagle eye spotted it. She's not a happy bunny. Come to think of it, neither am I.
Liruhan · Tue Sep 28, 2004 @ 08:03pm · 1 Comments |
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