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It's amazing how in a matter of fractions of a second your world can come crashing down around you. Everything you thought you knew is turned upside down and all your fears are confirmed. Your face follows your world and crashes into your desk. Tears pool in the lens of your glasses. But despite the fact that everything's the blackest it's ever been and worse than a mess... it all seems like it'll be ok. I'll be Tyler Durden for a second and say that It's only when you have lost everything that you are free to do anything. And we will... we will....
The Girl-fiend · Tue Mar 08, 2005 @ 07:14pm · 0 Comments |
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I so gave my box of chocolates to myself. Suckaz!
The Girl-fiend · Tue Feb 15, 2005 @ 04:44am · 0 Comments |
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Did you ever wish for things to just be the way they were? What is this thing about progress that makes it so great. What is so great about pushing a button and killing thousands of people all in one go. If everyone had to settle disputes the old fashioned way... there would simply be fewer disputes. Why? because it was either worth dying for, or it wasn't. People wouldn't get all offended over some of the crazy s**t that goes on today. I mean... if Hollywood b***h fights were fought with a sword and an all or nothing attitude... there wouldn't BE any Hollywood b***h fights. *pictures Paris Hilton on a battle field*. That just doesnt work. Why? because she would fear breaking a nail or getting dirty. It makes me seriously want to fight her just for that reason. I want to see the look in her eyes and the way she moves. I want to know if there's any animal instinct left in that b***h. You have to know yourself in a fight. You have to do... what you have to do. And I want to know. I want to know if I could fight for my life. I've fought before. I've had my share of winning and losing in all manners of fights except that kind. Screw guns, screw bows and arrows. Killing from a distance is the worst kind of cowardice. It takes no strength of character and no motivation or faith in what you're doing or yourself to pull a trigger. And I hate it. I hate what the human race has become and I want no part of it.
Everything was just... simpler. More honorable. I mean... you had yourself, your family, and your country. First thing, feeding yourself and whatever family you might have. second, defending you and your family from anyone that might take everything from you. Not to say that it wasn't complicated. But compared to today... I think right now I would take threat of disease and starvation and pillage. This state we are in just isnt natural. The plastic of this keyboard... I didnt drill for oil and add chemicals, make a mold, and paint it myself. I didn't sauter the components of the computer I write this on. It's so unfulfilling. I mean. what do I care if it breaks? I just go out and buy another one. It just seems so pathetic that this is the testament of the human race and all it's progress. I want to make something. BE something thats respectable. I don't care if I'm remembered. I just want to know for myself that I did something REALLY worthwhile for the right reasons, whatever those may be.
I can't go on like this. living this life inside a sugar coated plastic bubble. I just have this empty feeling. I'm not really alive or I'm just watching myself waste my life all on a movie screen.
And so I ask myself this... how is it that one can be satisfied with this life and the society we live in, and another find it so repulsing? What is it that allows them to be happy? How do they find satisfaction on more than a material level? Or do they even care? And if they don't, why? Has the morality of human race truly been drowned by over the top materialism? I don't wish to believe it... but every day it gets worse. The human race will destroy itself. Great civilizations will fall, as all inevitabley do, because of the shallowness and greed of the human race. Woe to our creator for giving us the capacity to want more and the intelligence and cunning to figure out ways of getting more, no matter the cost. We are such selfish creatures. We are of the Earth but words cannot express the damage that we have done to it. Would we burn out own home? No, we prefer to strangle it to death slowly.
If it were feasable and if I had the skills... I would pack up and leave and seriously live in the wilderness. I want to leave this place. I'm tired of sky scrapers and wireless internet and stupid university courses that get me no where closer to where I want to be. In none of these things do the answers lie. I can only find them in myself.. but I don't know myself. I don't know my limits because they have never been tested. And this one of the most disappointing things I've encountered. People tell me, oh university is so hard. blah blah blah. Jesus christ I'm a B student and I never did 3/4 of the readings. Food is like 2 minutes away. I sit on my a** in front of my computer all day for ******** sakes. This isn't living. It's being a mindless slave to one of the most pointless institutions ever created and PAYING to do it.
This is either a moment of clarity, or just one more phase of my state of perpetual confusion.
The Girl-fiend · Thu Jan 13, 2005 @ 09:28pm · 0 Comments |
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I need to be less self deprecating... this just can't be healthy. Bleh... I thought I was getting better too. But who am I kidding? it takes more than a few months to get over years of hurt and whatnot. And even then...those years made me what I am today... and so to get over them... means to sort of forget aboout them. and I won't ever forget them or let go of them. They are me. I am a product of my environment... and they are so deeply embedded...and I'm not even sure if I want to let go. I feel like I would be betraying myself. I feel like I would be betraying the confused and hurt little kid who'd already been betrayed by everyone. All I had left was myself. And I"m afraid if I try to tell myself that those years aren't worth remembering or holding onto that the me of the past won't have anything to hold onto when they figure out that down the line they'll be betrayed by themselves, and so have no reason to go on.
The Girl-fiend · Mon Jan 10, 2005 @ 05:39pm · 0 Comments |
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Man. Christmas time once again.
I should be happy. I really should be.
The Girl-fiend · Wed Dec 22, 2004 @ 02:56am · 0 Comments |
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for all you university students... |
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Today we salute you- stressed out college student during exam week. As you sit in your lonely cubical in the library, doped up on Starbucks & Adderall, you think to yourself, am I ever going to need to know this stuff in life? The distractions are tempting, and you have suddenly diagnosed yourself with ADD, along with advanced delusionary schizophrenia with involuntary narcissistic rage. I'm sure by now you know exactly what everyone is doing because you have checked your buddy list 800 times. Christmas break is just days away, and your prozac prescription will be in tomorrow. So crack open an ice cold Bud Light after that last exam, because for most of us, Christmas will be spent in rehab.
stolen off barayome's lj.
The Girl-fiend · Fri Dec 10, 2004 @ 02:49am · 0 Comments |
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*slits mental wrists*
http://www.gaiaonline.com/journal/?u=1047676
people like this should not be allowed to EXISSSSSSSST -_O
I would hack their account and make them seem like a total moron.. but they need no help from me. -_-
In other news...
"IIIIIII'm SNAPE!"
*botherbotherbother*
mwa hahaha
The Girl-fiend · Fri Dec 10, 2004 @ 02:25am · 0 Comments |
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I came to a rather painful realization today. Someone gave me some very good yet very painful advice. and I fear I'm in too deep to do anything but just keep going. I would like to hope that things will change. but they havent in the past 3-4 years. so... I'm not holding my breath.
The Girl-fiend · Fri Dec 03, 2004 @ 07:56am · 0 Comments |
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