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It's hard to believe I've been here a little over two months now. It's still snowing like a mofo. I'm less emo as I was in my previous entry. I've reached a point of understanding and acceptance for my situation and I realize why I'm here.
When I first got to RIT, Brian would speak a lot about a storyline. How we're all just playing a role in this massive storyline and we all help make the journey more interesting. It felt like I fit instantly into the storyline here. The people around me are so intriguing. They make me think and make me want to push harder as I feed off of their energy. I may be low on my own personal energy, but it's impossible to fade into nothingness when I have so many people around who care about me and want to see me succeed.
And Brian...well...he's like my happy ending in a way. Brian reminds me of the boys in high school I would sit around and be completely dorky with. He's relatively quiet, but when he does speak, his words move mountains. But we're not in high school...but he keeps me feeling youthful while we sort out this adult world together. He started out as a friend who I knew would be there for me no matter what, and now he's turned into a lover I can truly depend on being there for me.
It's so different having a boyfriend who is right there. I went through years of silly online dating and long distance relationships afraid that I was incapable of handling a real face-to-face relationship. Even with meeting Gene in person and having a few fun get togethers, it was hard to be that stable couple. Brian gives me hope that I haven't failed as a real person, that I can succeed outside of my dream worlds and comfort zones.
But I know that I still have a longer journey ahead. <3 But I'm hopeful in a good outcome.
<^^> Moo
ThePsychoticCow · Fri Mar 07, 2008 @ 07:34pm · 1 Comments |
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Where the ******** have I gone? |
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Remember the Toni from a few years back? Remember how she was always all smiles. She didn't smoke and rarely drank. She never thought about doing drugs. She loved her friends and whatever boyfriend she had at the time. She was just...happy, you know? She had goals and ambitions. She wanted to go to sooooo many colleges. She wanted to be a journalist, then a graphic designer, then a 3D artist, and so many other things. She would never dream of doing anything to hurt the people she loved. She simply enjoyed her life for what it was. Or atleast tried to.
Now, it feels like I've done a complete 180 from the Toni I was. I don't want to say it's the "Old Toni". I really just want to describe my current state as a grown Toni.
But when I look in the mirror these days, I have bags under my eyes and my face is sunken in. It looks like the weight of the world has attacked me and I don't understand why. I've been working hard and trying to feel confident in everything I'm doing. But I still wonder why I look like I've been through hell. And why I act like I've been through hell.
Sure, a lot of obstacles have been thrown my way this year. I've been eighteen almost a whole year, and it feels like this year has been dragged on forever. All the s**t that has happened, ********, how did it even fit in just a year? It's so surreal. Six months ago, I was sitting in my house in Germany, drinking beers with my family, watching the lame AFN satellite, cuddling with my dogs. And where am I now?
I'm sitting in the living at the house in Rochester. I've taken a trip back as a little vacation for myself. A way to sort out my mind, really. Seeing everyone again has been fantastic, but I'm so scared of when this trip ends...or if it does end. Brian and Maria really want me to stay, but my mom is offering to let me live with her in New Jersey as she pays for my college while I work. It's a tempting deal and I've been told to take it, but I'm so torn. I'm confused.
And I'm still just sitting around in my pajamas, looking like the bum that I am on my friends couch. There's a bong within reach and cigarettes in my pocket; there's a wonderful supply of vodka in the freezer. I'm afraid I may like drugs a little too much. Gene pointed out that I use weed as a crutch and I'll protest that statement til the end, but I do smoke it as if it were one. All it really is is just...something different. Something to break up the norm.
So, I smoke weed to feel something different; I smoke cigarettes because, pfft, I just do; I drink alcohol only when I intend to get drunk and sleep well; I do acid out of curiosity; I do shrooms...well...never again, really.
I act like a stoner. I sit on my a** and mutter words of no regrets and existance. I guard myself still. If I don't show any vulnerabilities, people won't ******** with me, right? If I look like I'm on a mission with my life, people will take me seriously, right?
Can I be that Toni from years ago? Is it too late? How tainted am I?
Is Toni still a good person?
<oo> Moo
ThePsychoticCow · Mon Feb 04, 2008 @ 03:40pm · 3 Comments |
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Still in Missouri. I'm working at McDonald's as a cashier/closer. I'm supposed to be getting two raises pretty soon which will definitely help out with the whole $5400 debt I'm in. I've also applied for a job at Wal-Mart. I'm going to be the slave of two major corporations. Yay.
I've met some friends since being here. A girl Moira and her boyfriend Nick. They totally want me to be their threesome ******** buddy, it's cute. So they always try to get me as ******** up as possible. Hurhur.
My roomie is coming down to get me and we're going to hang out for a few days. She's actually going to take me to Rochester and then all my friends are pitching in for a Greyhound ticket back to Missouri. I have awesome friends.
Gene and I have pretty much broken up. It was just hard to make it work with such an uncertain future. I guess in the end, the wait got too much. I love him dearly, but our timing was just off.
So, I don't know if I'm happy or depressed, if I'm confused or see things clearly, if I'm on the right path or about to screw myself over. But I'm smiling. It's an exhausted smile, but I'm smiling. Because I'm doing all of this because of a choice I finally made for myself and that no one else made for me.
Maybe I'm happy because I'm going after what I love and depressed that I'm not there yet. Maybe I'm confused because I am in a situation where very few people support me going after what I love in my life and seeing things clearly because I know what I have to do to move forward. Maybe I'm am on the right path because I chose it for myself in hopes of being successful in life and maybe screwing myself over because I did give up an opportunity that would have given me security for atleast 12 years of my life.
But I will keep smiling. Letting myself fall isn't an option.
<oo> Moo
ThePsychoticCow · Sat Dec 29, 2007 @ 05:44pm · 1 Comments |
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I'm finally out of RIT. It was probably the hardest goodbye I ever had to do. I said goodbye to muh boyz and muh girlz. The roomie and I had one of the hardest goodbyes in history. We just stayed up all night with each other, smoking and drinking and blaring music. We had the same song on repeat that just spoke to us.
The other hard goodbye was Brian. Brian is the male version of Danielle, and the impact he has on my life is the same of her. They're my two soul mates. Luckily, I never got the chance to have a face-to-face goodbye with Danielle. But having one with Brian...god. I was basically in tears the whole goodbye process with everyone. And they were, too. Those people genuinely love me and will miss me. And they're already planning my next visit.
So now...I'm in Missouri. Yup, Missouri. My sister told my mom to bring me here. She knew being in Germany with Daddy was a bad idea and so was living in Brooklyn with Mommy. So now I'm living with my sister and brother-in-law, job hunting my a** off. Only one gig so far, awaiting more. sad It lonely. Luckily the guys next door keep me company out back.
It's going to be a hard next few months. I won't have time for anything but work and that's the way it has to be. Just so I can get my a** back in gear and go after my dreams. O:
<Oo> Moo
ThePsychoticCow · Fri Nov 30, 2007 @ 04:14pm · 0 Comments |
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So I decided not to do ROTC anymore. A month or so into it, I came to my senses and went, "What the ******** are you doing, Toni?"
Let's just say that my parents aren't happy with me right now. My dad is disappointed I'm throwing away such a great opportunity, but says he'll be proud of me no matter what. My mom says she never wants to here "coulda, should, woulda" come out of my mouth. She's coming to pick me up on the 13th or so of November to get my s**t. Then she's saying that she's flying me back to Germany. But damned if I'm going back to Germany, guys. DAMNED.
Gene and I took a little trip last weekend. We've both been a bit on the rocks and we just needed to take some real-life time away with each other. He picked me up and we drove down through Maryland to see where I used to live. Then continued on to DC to his place. I met his family, we went shopping, had some dinner, thenI went to work with him. <33 It was all super fun goodness. Then my last day there, we went to see the Battle of Bull Run battlefield and just had fun getting lost in it. wink
The weekend away made me find Toni again. Like...I've been feeling lost since I've gotten here. I'm not acting how I usually do and I know I haven't changed like that. Being with Gene again made me realize how happy the little things could make me. How being next to him gives me a little more hope for the future. I think being with him again this weekend made me fall in love all over again.<3
So now I'm looking at schools down by him and Kelsey. I figure I could stay with Kelsey if my mom tries to ship me back to Germany. She'll atleast let me stay for a bit to make some moneyz before telling me to ******** off. xD Then I'll find some place down my Gene to live until we can move in together.
smile Funny, a year ago, so many people told me I was rushing with Gene and it wouldn't work...
********.
<3333
<oo> Moo
ThePsychoticCow · Wed Oct 24, 2007 @ 09:28am · 1 Comments |
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I've been here for about 3 weeks now. I'm not gonna say I like it, but it's more bearable than I thought it would be. The idea of Army still scares me shitless, but I may be able to do it. Who knows?
Gene came up to see me last week randomly. It was a great surprise and some of my friends met the infamous boyfriend. He didn't stay long. Just enough to see me, get some food, and take a quick nap. It was good to sleep with someone next to me again. I feel lonely at night now without someone.
My roomie is a ******** awesome person. We're so alike but so different at the same time. We both smoke and drink and the like, but she's an out there Fine Art Photo major and I'm a chilled computer chick. We're an interesting pair, but people always compliment us on how well we get along. We're not just two stranger sharing a room--we're friends living with each other. It's pretty sweet.
Have a lot of cool 3rd year friends. I met them when I met my friend Peter. He bummed a cigarette, we bought tacos, then went to his place and got blazed. xD And his roomies and their friends were over, so we all kinda bonded. And it's great because like...it really is completely platonic. None of these guys are interested in me like that, nor I to them (or if they are, they control themselves and don't disrespect me). We all just sit around on the couch, play Guitar Hero, and nap. Sometimes we watch the stars. They put up with me dragging them outside at midnight to point out the Big Dipper or making them turn off their games when General Hospital comes on. I just adopted a lot of big brothers. And a few literal brothers. The frat boys across the way love me to death. xD I know I'm not mentioning many girls...but my school is 75% male.
Classes are going well. Java programming is whooping my a**, but I'm slowly getting the hang of it. I have Cyber Self Defense and a lab, programming, algebra and trig, and military science with a lab. Not much. I have my Cyber Self Defense and Leadership lab today. Then tonight I'm making dinners for my brothers. Jaegerschnitzle and knodel. So many mouths to feed.
But yea, things are going well. I'll keep you all updated from time to time. <3
<^^> Moo
ThePsychoticCow · Fri Sep 14, 2007 @ 02:11pm · 1 Comments |
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