|
"In my Bed of Black Roses" |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Back down in the ******** hole. At least I'm in good company down here. ******** it, cut the chord.
I'm in a fight with God right now. I don't even know why, though. He always wins, always gets His way and in the end, His will is shown. But right now, I just guess I'm just ******** tired of Him always winning, His constant insistence that I can't be in a happy relationship for more than a month or two. It just pisses me off.
Don't know what I'm going on about? It's alright. I'll explain:
So, remember that last entry? Where I talked about how Beemer and I played a set at his school in October? Well, I met a girl there. Her name is Krystin. Really nice girl, too. Very smart, very funny and incredibly pretty. After Beemer and I finished our set, I was talking to her and one of her friends and after a few minutes Beemer and I invited them to go out to coffee with us. At the coffee shop, we talked and laughed and just had a good time. After that, starting really on Halloween, Krystin and I talked a lot. We talked about everything, every little bit of bullshit, every failed relaitonship, every single thing we could think of. Finally, I asked her if she wanted to go out to a movie. She told me that she was already going out to one with friends that Friday and that I should go with them. So I did, paid for her ticket, talked before the movie, had a good time. Halfway during the movie, we started holding hands. After the movie ended we went out to get some ice cream, we continued holding hands, flirting, taking quick glances at eachother, then turning away and giggling. Finally, she had to leave and I walked her out to her car. She hugged me goodbye, and then looked at me and we shared our first kiss.
Ever since then, we had really good times. Every Monday I would show up at her school and play her a song. I would visit her school every other day just to see how things were and spend a few minutes with her. We talked everynight, hung out every weekend. One day she came over to my house and I pretty much played her everysong I knew how to play and sung her every song I knew how to sing. She had the most beautiful, deep brown eyes, amazing smile and long black hair. She was the most complimentary person I had ever met. She would talk to me how she is really happy meeting me and how she really likes that after really shitty relationships and guys, I came along. I started to fall for this girl.
Then, this past Saturday, we went to a concert. It was called the "KRZQ Jingle Ball", and it featured This Calander Year, Under the Influence of Giants, I Hate Kate, Shiny Toy Guns and the headlining band, Angels and Airwaves. Krystin and I had a great time, dancing, holding eachother and listening to some really good music. Then, Angels and Airwaves took the stage, and something different happened. She got really distant. She held my hand, but it wasn't how she normally did. She gave me a kiss, but there was something missing from this one. I got a little worried, but just took it as her being distracted by the band. AvA is one of her favorite bands, after all. So as I walked her to her car after the concert ended, I asked her if I was gonna see her the next day, our anniversary. She told me she was busy, but that we could hang out Monday. So she gave me another cold kiss goodbye and then left.
I showed up at her school this past Monday, ready to play her another song. A very special one this time. We were talking about music a week and a half earlier, and she mentioned her favorite song in existance. So I learned how to play it, not an easy task, mind you. The song is completely void of my instrument: the bass. It is a completely acoustic guitar song. I found guitar music for the song, however. So I spent 40 minutes translating the guitar chords into bass notes, and once I learned the song, I spent an hour on it every ******** night, making it perfect for her. I never got to play it. I showed up on Monday, ready to play her that song, and she runs up to me, says "I have to go to the optomotrist", then gives me a quick hug and runs off. This was the first time she had blown me and my playing off and left without giving me a kiss goodbye. She told me that my playing made her smile and that she would always have time on Monday for me to play. I knew something was wrong.
That night, I tried getting a hold of her. Finally, I talked to her for all of 5 seconds. All I got was, "I'm sorry I've been acting distant. I'm stressed out about family things, finals, school and some other stuff. But, we do need to talk about something important tomorrow." And that was it. I showed up at her school the next day, and once she said the first sentence, I knew it was the end. "You know how relationships take a lot of time and effort?" I just started thinking, "******** no. Not now, not ******** like this." After talking to me for a few minutes, she dumped me. She gave me her reasons, some were good resons, but thing sthat could have been worked out. She asked me if I had any thoughts, to which all I said was, "I don't want this to end. I really like you and I don't want to say goodbye. But if you want to call it quits, there's nothing I can really do to change your mind. You've made it up." And then I walked away from her, like I did everyday after she got out of school for the past few weeks. This time, though, I walked away with tears in my eyes and blood in my mouth. When she broke up with me, I bit the inside of my cheek so hard to make myself not cry infront of her that I broke this skin and bled.
So this is why I am in a fight with God. I'm ******** fed up with failed relationships. Why the ******** won't He just let me be in one, let me be ******** happy? He ******** always steals the girls I ******** care about on an intimate level. I don't know what the ******** He wants or what the ******** He gains from my shitty love life, my constant depression, wanting to have someone to call my own. But I'm getting really sick of it.
I feel so ******** alone.
 The_monster_under_the_bed · Fri Dec 15, 2006 @ 12:59am · 1 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Updated this ******** in a loooooong time. Let's talk.
So my old band, The Heretic Believer broke up because our keyboardist decided to be a ******** p***y whipped douche bag and told us all to ******** off. We also didn't get much practice, so we trashed it. Shortly there after, I met Beemer (this hella cool guitarist/singer) through my friend Paul. So after Beemer and I jammed, we decided to form another band. We've played a few small gigs so far, and we're writing our own material. He play's guitar and sings, I play bass and I sing, and then Paul plays drums. We're a three piece band and it's fun as all hell. Other than that, I've now taken up smoking hookah, not weed as most people say when I tell them that, but Hookah. Hookah uses sheesha, flavored tobacco, and it kicks a**. I'll also smoke a cigarette on occasion. My love life is still in the shitter, and I don't think it'll be getting better for a while. ********. Yea, that pretty much brings you all up to speed on what's new with me. I smoke hookah and cigarettes, not weed, I have a new band, and my love life sucks.
But anyway, Beemer and I played a small set at his school this past Saturday, and here are some pics of me rocking the house.
 This is me totally in the zone playing our original song "F.Y.I."
 This is me singing and playing "Everlong" by the Foo Fighters
 Still singing "Everlong"
The_monster_under_the_bed · Mon Oct 23, 2006 @ 10:03pm · 3 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
|
I have written 7 songs in the past 2 weeks. I have been away in Marin County, my old hometown, and then Arizona for 10 days for a Catholic retreat. But anyways, 7 songs. Let's look at these ones too...
Cloak of Lies:
This was an old song of mine that I wrote last year. I scrapped the original version and re-did the whole song. It's way more powerful than my last version of it, and a lot longer too. I'm really happy with it.
Unsettleing Dreams:
About bad dreams, it focuses on two dreams that I have had recently. The first dream, and first verse is me nailed to a cross. Written all over the cross are the sins that I have comitted in my life, so I am nailed to the cross of my own sins (line from the song!) and how my friends and family are all around me, just looking at the ground. I try to speak, but no words come out, I try to break free, but I can't. The second verse is a dream that I had, where I was in a dark room with blood all over the place. I looked at my hands, which were splattered with blood. I lowered my hands from my eyes and watched my lover die. As she died, her blood stained my hands. Yea, very bad dream. The chorus and bridge are just things that I made up.
Heretic Believing:
This is a nonsense song. My band is called the Heretic Believer, and this song shows the dual nature of the band. The first verse shows us as faithful and prayerful kids, loving and praising God. The next verse is about how we're the monster under the bed, the demon in the closet and the blade that gets dragged across your wrist. It also says that I need to rip apart my pathetic life. Yup. The chorus talks about how these two elements are clashing together, not making any sense. How I can't stand on my own feet, how people may not believe in us, but that we believe in them. The bridge is totally schizophrenic, with lines like "Love me, forsake me! Embrace me, hate me!" and the like.
The One I Love: ******** You (A Stalker's Love Song Pt. 3):
This is all about forgetting someone and moving on. I have metaphorically slit my wrists and drained myself of emotion. I am no longer a slave to her, looking for a hug or a kiss. The really sad thing is, that I know she feels the same way about me. I can see it in her eyes, the way she stares at me, the way she talks to me. But then she goes off and flirts madly with other guys. I have become numb to love, and am giving up on it. This is the song in a nutshell. I think it has some pretty profound lyrics too, like "No longer a slave trying to get your love. ******** getting a kiss from you, or even a hug" and "So now I'm over and done, this was out of wack. Even if you say 'I love you' I'm not coming back." I'm moving on from my romantic feelings for her, and I'm done with love, at least for right now. Until God brings someone into my life.
Fair Warning:
Exactly what the title says, this song is a warning. More of a poem than a song, it is still really powerful. The song is saying how while I gave up on loving this girl romantically, she is still my friend and my sister, and I still care about her. The first time someone ******** up with her, does her any harm or misdeed, I will snap. I'm very protective of my friends, especically those that are girls. The last lines of the song are "So watch your step, be cautious, don't let love be fading, cause when you do, I'll be where you least expect it, waiting..."
Don't ******** with my friends. You ******** with them, you have a massive problem with me.
Dirty Blood:
Another nonsense song, about someone who likes to ******** with people and their lives. Because they have so much spite in their heart, I think it makes their blood dirty and that it can eventually be smelled. That's the basic thought of the song. It has some hardcore rapping in it, lots of rhymes and some really cool lyrics like, "Questions with no answers. That heart in your chest, I call a cancer serving to only spread spite through your veins." Yea...
Venomous Kiss:
Another re-vamp of an old song. I really like this new version though. Lots of imagery, lots of cool things. I'm really happy with it.
As always, if you'd like to see the lyrics to a song listed above, or any of my other songs, just send me a message and I'll send ya lyrics.
The_monster_under_the_bed · Sun Jul 23, 2006 @ 06:57am · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Recieving a call from 3 friends in the middle of the night, 2 of them drunk, and one of them being the girl I love......pissing me off
Talking to my friend who's not drunk, listening to the other 2 in the background......incredibly worrying
Hearing the girl I care for more than anyone sobbing while screaming, "I'm a whore, I'm a slut, I'm a b***h! He hates me! Vince is mad at me and he hates me!"......eternally haunting
Telling her that I don't hate her, that she's not a slut, b***h or whore, but that she's amazing and I am so blessed to have her in my life......intoxicating feeling
Hearing her sobbing even more, still screaming that I hate her......heart breaking
1 bloody nose......1 ruined rag
1 fat lip......1 small bag of ice
1 swollen and bruised knuckle......1 bigger bag of ice
13 indivudial cuts on my arm......one pint of blood loss and 1 now blood splattered shirt
Being numb to the pain I caused myself......scary
My masochism back in full force......priceless
Hearing her sweet voice the next morning, telling me she's sorry for the night before, that it won't happen again, and that she knows I don't hate her......healing my emotional wounds, but not my physical ones
I'm so sorry, but I couldn't stop myself. Everytime I heard her cry, everytime I heard her call herself a name, everytime I heard her scream that I hate her, every sniffle from her, I hurt myself. I was completely numb to the pain, I felt nothing. All I felt was a feeling of hopelessness when I heard her cry, and when I heard her cry, I dragged the knife across my arm.
The_monster_under_the_bed · Wed Jul 12, 2006 @ 12:07am · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
|
Today I cut my arm. On purpose, with one of my favorite knives. I though that maybe if I cut myself and bleed, I could bleed her out of me, be rid of her. The only thing that I accomplished was drinking my own blood after I cut myself. It's no use, I can't be rid of her. She is every bit of me, in every breath I take, in every move I make, in every thought I think, in every ******** thing I do, she's there in it.
So I have written 3 songs lately. Let's go over them, shall we?
A Stalker's Love Song:
This is my view on the girl of my obsession. How I see her, what she looks like to me. I describe her features, and what each one does to me. Verse one decribes her hair, her eyes and her skin. It ends with me going off on a screaming rant about how I want her. The chorus is how much I love her, what I would do for her, how I see her as a goddess. The second verse describes her lips, her body and the scent that she leaves behind. Again, the verse ends with a rant about how I want her. Chorus again, same as before. The bridge is again a giant rant about how much I want her; how she's mine, how she's always been mine, and always will be mine. Chorus again, song ends.
My Self-Made Hell (A Stalker's Love Song Pt. 2):
This is the second of a two part love ballad. This one focusing more inward, whereas the last one was about her, how I see her and how I want her. This is again how I want her, but more...masochistic and obsessive. The first verse starts off masochistic and then goes to how it seems like my mind is snapping. I see her in a mirror, and then I look behind, but she's not there. The chorus is talking about how I'm burining in my self-made hell, and how there is a metaphorical knife in my stomack, twisting itself around everytime I hear her, spilling my soul out like blood. The second verse is me hearing her, and then looking for her, but finding nothing. I try not to think of her, but everytime I close my eyes, I see hers, and it's warping my mind. I end the verse talking about how my wrist is full of open wounds and that I'm running out of room for more cuts. Again, the same chorus. The bridge talks about how I want to get close to her, how I won't rest or take a break until she's mine. I know what I want, I know what I need and I have thoughts of stalking you is the basic sum of the bridge. Again, the chorus. Verse three is about how infatuated I am with her. More masochism, I tried to drain her out of my veins by cutting, but it only proved that I need her. It ends with an actual event. At the rodeo last night, she actually grabbed my hand. My ******** heart stopped and I was taken to a land far away, there was just her and I, no one else. But then she started to let go, and it felt like I was dying. Song ends with the chorus one final time.
Inside Her Vein:
I have a friend right now who is destroying herself with drugs, alcohol and masochism. A bunch of us who are friends are tyring to get her to stop, but it seems like nothing will help. This song is a story, what I fear will happen to her if she doesn't stop. The first verse talks about how she has died, she's gone, died young. Drugs took over her life, and she died with nothing, no grace, no happiness, just a needle inside her vein. The chorus talks about her slipping away from us, and that her friends are trying to help, but she's too blind to see. The second verse; she's dead, gone, and I'm standing at her grave looking down at the casket, weeping for the girl who has twice saved me from myself. Chorus again. The bridge is a letter to her; how she was a sister to me. She always gave everyone advice on how to live a better life, but it seems like she couldn't keep any of that advice for herself. Chorus gets sung twice and then the song ends.
Yep, those are my three songs lately. There's a girl...I'm ******** infatuated with her. I want to tell her so badly how I feel, but I don't know if she still feels the same...
The_monster_under_the_bed · Fri Jun 23, 2006 @ 07:56am · 0 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
|
I woke, up, took a shower and just put the finishing touches of one of my new songs. It's really......interesting. Let's go with that word. It's a love song of sorts, about a guy, in this case me, infatuated with a girl, but she is just out of my grasp.
Whoops, I said 'love song', didn't I. Well, love song isn't quite the term to be used. Let's call is a stalker's love song.
Don't you just hate it when things don't go the way you want them to? When things are out of your control and there's not a Goddamned thing you can do to stop, or in this case, make it? That's what I'm feeling right now. I want something so bad, but I can't have it. I want this girl so much that everytime I talk to her, and I can't hold her, it feels like a ******** knife turning around in my stomach. I can still feel her presence long after she's gone and, as odd as this is, I can smell her. Heh, think I'm crazy? I really don't give a ********. If you've known me up until now and think I'm a normal guy, you don't really know me.
This is truely my most.....tortured song up to date. Not filled with the violent lyrics towards someone that my songs are usually filled with, but violent lyrics towards how I cannot have her. I'll give you an example of a lyric. This is taken from the chorus:
"I would have torn down cities, taken countless of lives. Anything for you, to see that look in your eyes!"
Kind of extreme, but then again, all of my songs are. Just look at 'Cut'.
So, I'm gonna wrap this thing up now, by saying that if you ever have a chance with something, or someone that makes you happy, and this someone wants to be with you too, don't be an idiot like me and let it pass you by. Grab onto that person and don't let them go. Tell them that you love them, and mean it.
If you're in the mindset of, "Once she bores me or does something stupid like tell me what to do, I'll drop her", why the ******** are you even in a relationship? Relationships are meant for two people to be intimate and close with eachother, and should be taken as such. Never have that mindframe going into a relationship or that very relationship is doomed from the start.
This girl, I want her so badly. I want to tell her, but after what happened between us I don't know whether she still feels the same. I'm caught in my own ******** self made hell.
Maybe I'll post the lyrics up here later, or if you're a really good friend that I trust, I'll let you read the lyrics, but until then, Vincent is just a teenage boy chasing a girl that he wants, but can't have.
..........I think I'm gonna go carve her name into my arm now........
The_monster_under_the_bed · Fri Jun 09, 2006 @ 02:40am · 1 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
|
My friends and I started a fight club last week. There's just under 12 people involved, and that's all there will be. We just wanna do it in between us. Unfortunately, no one but me wanted to bare knuckle fight, so we use boxing gloves and mouth guards.
First fight was last Wednesday, next fight is tomorrow and then my first fight is Tuesday. Hella tight.
So anyways, the first fight was Wednesday between K and Bley. It lasted 2 rounds. First round went to K, but then the next round went to Bley. It had to stop after 2 rounds because Bley almost broke K's nose. K was bleeding so badly that the blood flowed into his mouthguard, and he had to pour it out. Hehe, ******** awesome.
Yea, my first fight is Tuesday against my buddy Paul. Oh yes, there will be blood, haha. Lots of it too. I'll be sure to get pics of the fight up, cause it makes me happy.
Anyways, just thought I'd let you guys know.
The_monster_under_the_bed · Mon May 15, 2006 @ 06:05am · 1 Comments |
|
|
|
|
Love, hate, and Black Cherry Vodka |
|
|
|
|
|
|
My life is a whole mess of drama, yelling, miscommunication, broken promises, broken hearts, and last but not least, Black Cherry Vodka.
Haven't updated this in a while, so let me bring you up to speed. Things between me and Kaelei are now over. My parents over a month ago tried banning me from the computer and Gaia. I wanted to try to keep things going with her, but we didnt talk in over a month. It hurts ya know, but I need to move on.
Lots of drama in my life too. s**t with friends, s**t with school, s**t with the cops. Some of my friends and I are no longer friends because of supposed broken promises on my part. These promises were never made, but they still thought it neccessary to tell me to ******** myself. Literally. School blows. I wanna take a swing at one of my teachers cause he's such a ******** douche. He has no balls and cannot control his classes, so he instead tries to punish us with work, which no one does. Finally, s**t with the cops. I have gotten kicked out of many establishments in my town these past 2 months. But I keep going back. It's funny when security comes over and escorts me and my friends out of the Hilton or when the manager asks us to leave. At least to us. I also flip off the security cameras at my school everytime I see one, which is quite frequent. Now, about a month ago, I was almost arrested for door bell ditching houses at 2 in the morning after a few shots of Black Cherry Vodka and one shot of Green Apple Vodka. So I was out with 4 of my friends, I was the only one who had had anything, and I was a little tipsy. I voulenteered to ring the doorbell at every house. Finally, we saw a cop car searching for us. The came withing 20 yards of catching us had we not run. The almost found us with their searchlights. Crazy s**t.
But wait, most of you are asking, isn't Vince against drinking? Well, I was, but due to drama in my life and losing Kaelei, I just had the biggest "******** it all" attitude.
So I was at a LAN party with some friends, and they busted out the Vodka. I had some shots of black cherry vodka and then some black cherry vodka mixed with Fanta and some mexican alcohol. I then had a shot of Green Apple Vodka, and then took a sip straight from both bottles. I then proceeded to door bell ditch the neighborhood in a semi-inebriated state.
I don't get drunk, and I have only drunk once, but drinking appeals to me now heavily. Mmmmyup...
Musically, life's been good. I've written an a** load of new songs and am finally in a band. KC's on drums, K and Sean are on turntables/DJ/keyboards/Sampling, Messinger is on 4 string bass, and I'm on 5-string bass and vocals. That's right, Vincent is a freaking full blown singer/screamer. But I'm gonna drop playing bass in this band and we're gonna put Mess on 5 string. We're still looking for a guitarist, but it's awesome. I'm siiiiiiiiiiiinging....yea.....we play hard rock/heavy metal with techno influences. Hellz ******** yea.
Well, that's pretty much it. Brought you guys up to speed and told you s**t in my life. Have a great day. biggrin
******** it all, ******** this world, ******** everything that you stand for.
Keep your eyes open and your heads up, cause happiness is at the bottom of a shot glass. -Vincent Toomey
Catch ya ******** on the flip side,
Vince
The_monster_under_the_bed · Tue May 09, 2006 @ 05:56am · 2 Comments |
|
|
|
|
|
