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Disconnected
An Open and Honest Letter To My Friends and Family:
Lately I have noticed a depression growing in me, that has been building over a period of time. I wasn't really in touch with it until quite recently. I have put on weight, my apartment is in a state of disarray, and when I'm not at work, I try to immerse myself in escapist activities such as watching TV or playing video games.
After some introspection, I've come to the conclusion that this depression stems from a feeling of being disconnected. Disconnected from friends. Disconnected from family. The responsibility for this feeling of disconnection falls mostly on my shoulders. Over the passed couple of years, I have allowed my relationships outside of my marriage to wither. To quote a friend,"If you don't see it, it doesn't exist." I have been so busy with work and my wife that I have felt that I have little time for anything else.
I feel abandoned by my friends, but it is I who have abandoned them. Although I do not usually have free time to hang out, there are other ways to keep in touch. Phone, e-mail, or blog - the last one is also the most impersonal, but far reaching. I don't even remember the last time I updated my blog.
Then there is my family. Where do I start? I feel disconnected from all of them...
My mom and her husband Allen, who live in Florida. I haven't had the time nor money to visit them.
My sister, who lives in Queens and fights against cancer. She lives so close by, but I sometimes I find it difficult to deal with the fact that of her condition. It seems easier to bury my head in the sand.
My brothers, whose lives are very different from mine. While they have houses, children and very successful careers, I am a renter with no children and have to work both a full-time and part-time job just to scrape by. Of course, being disconnected from them leaves me disconnected from my sisters-in-law and my nieces and nephews. If they feel even a little bit of how I felt when my birth-mother's family cut me off, it's bad.
My half-brother, who is disconnected in his own way due to autism. I didn't know him growing up because of a ten-year rift between my birth-mother and me. At times I feel like she left him behind as one last burden for my sister and me.
My extended family by birth, disconnected by circumstance and death. On my birth-mother's side, the divorce from my father set things in motion, and the rift between she and I solidified the lack of connection. On my father's side, we lost my grandmother, my father and my uncle all in one year. The remains of that family is scattered about and engrossed in their own lives.
And finally there is my extended family through my mom, who embraced my sister and me as part of their own. Disconnected because of a course of events that I am partially responsible for, and continue to bare the shame of. This is especially hard to deal with during the holidays.
For the first time in my life, I have a week of paid vacation, which I will be taking from 10/29 to 11/4. One of my goals is to straighten out my apartment. Another is to touch base with everyone. This letter is the start of that goal.
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