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ok. those who have talked to me recently have probably realized that i have been stressed a lot recently. whether they know why or not depends on the person and time at which i was talking to them. anyways, here's a major thing right now.
you see, i think it was about 3 weeks ago, i'm not too sure cuz my time has been crazy, that my best friends father got sick. well actually four weeks ago. he had been taking off of school, he was a teacher at Perris High, for about 3 weeks or so. Well by this time he was getting really sick. finally his doctor put him in the hospital. samie, my best friend, told me this and we were talking about how happy we were cuz now the doctors could watch him and make sure he does what he needs to do to get better. that was a big relief. we didn't know it was really serious.
a few days later he was sent home. i was very happy to hear that. i guessed that it really wasn't that serious and all he needed was the right care. then i heard what i didn't want to hear. me and samie were texting eachother on out phones, suddenly a message came up "the doctor said he has six months" i thought, six months till he could go back to school, anything else seemed unreal. so i texted back "six months for what?" and then the train came at me at a million miles per hour...."to live"
i stared at the phone. i didn't believe her. he went to the hospital and they had let him go, that had to mean he was fine. ya know, for being around sick people and hospitals all my life i was being really extremely naiive and ignorant. but of course when something happens out of the blue you tend to be. I sat there as the tears fell and tried to gether myself to talk to her. meanwhile my boyfriend was there talking to me online.
that was a tuesday i think. that thursday i decided i would go over her house to help her out. i hadn't been there in a long time and she needed the company and the help. we were having fun and she was feeling better. when i saw her dad, though, the lightness in me went away. this wasn't the person i knew, this wasn't her dad. the fire that he had, the pride was gone. just some weak husk of someone who looked like her dad.
that saturday my boyfriend came over, that saturday we got a call. he was getting worse. my mom went over there right away and told me that she'd come for me if samie needed me. all that day i kept on putting off calling my mom and telling her to come pick me up. i was afraid and i didn't want to leave josh, who was my only stronghold then.
josh knew how i felt and pushed me until i cried. i had begun to fall apart. he knew i needed it, i had been holding it in desperately all day. you know how they tell you not to cry cuz you need to be strong for someone, but how could i be strong when i was falling apart myself?
i finally called my mom to tell her to come pick me up. she answered the phone and told me one thing "he passed away" i stared at the phone and after a mindless conversation hung up. The anger that he would give up and leave samie and her mom, his wife, the two people he loved most, as well as the hurt, and love i have for samie all came out. that was one of the longest and hardest times i had cried in a good long time.
now to the thing that needed all the explaining. for the past two nights my grandfather has had a really bad cough. it's bad to the point of not being a cough but just hocking up a lung. it keeps me up at night and i lay there worrying. yesterday morning before i left the house i walked by him and noticed his nose bleeding. last night he finally went to the emergency and they gave him medicine. i don't know what's wrong but it's too soon to lose someone else. i don't want to deal with another pain. even though they didn't say anything i still worry.
also there's something else, it's small but it adds. a couple nights ago i had a dream that i was pregnant. i remember it perfectly. that i was in the 7th month, but the baby wasn't moving. by the eighth month it still didn't move. and yes i ended up having a stillborn. that worries me a lot because when i was 15 i had a miscarriage so even now i worry about if i'll have another one. i understand that sometimes dreams come out of worry but i haven't thought about a possible miscarriage for a while and this wasn't a miscarriage but a stillborn. i've never worried about a stillborn in my life. i've had no reason to. i don't know but either way this is there, in the back of my mind.
Thelana Darkstar · Wed May 25, 2005 @ 12:41am · 2 Comments |
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Rant so if ya don't wanna hear it go away |
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ok, well i said before that my mind thinks things in worse case scenarios. well that's why i've been wanting just to talk to josh's new female friends, even on the phone. but he won't let me. he keeps on saying that he wants me to meet them in person. that's fine and dandy but while i'm waiting for that time i'm sitting here being all nya. i don't mean to be. that's why i've been wanting to talk to them. i told him already that once i talk to someone that i'm fine, i don't worry, but he still won't let me talk to them. sometimes i feel like he's hiding them from me. and i trust that he won't do this now but he cheated before, i think on a past fiance too. and that makes me worry cuz all i wanna do is just calm my head and he won't let me. it just bothers me all the more. he probably doesn't mean to do it but it bothers me greatly. but noone seems to care.
Thelana Darkstar · Mon May 16, 2005 @ 03:48am · 2 Comments |
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Here i am sulking cuz i'm not talking with my joshie. You see he is at Denny's with his 5 new female friends...or however many new friends that he made. And i'm glad he made new friends in Chino. Now maybe he can have someone else to trust with stuff other than me. After all, you're significant other can't be your only friend. You ask if i'm jealous. Well jealous i am not. A little surprised maybe. I mean he told me that he wasn't going to go because he was broke. Perhaps someone's paying for him. I found this out cuz he called me up to tell me that and that he would call me later when he was done. Hmmm, i think that previous sentance made him sound kinda mean. I mean, at least he called. Also, he did offer not to go. but no matter how much i was looking forward to talking to him when i got home, or no matter how much i'm missing him right now, i will never tell him to stay with me on account on my feelings being all sensitive. I would feel very guilty and like a horrible person and i don't like feeling that way. So i'm waiting for him to return, hoping that it'll be soon.
Thelana Darkstar · Wed May 11, 2005 @ 05:02am · 2 Comments |
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Ok guys. i know i never post. but i've never been good at this journal thing. well let's see what do i need to say....
Well here's the info for Celebrate Dance: Performances:friday, May 20th at 8:00 pm saturday, May 21st at 2:00 pm and 8:00 pm
Location:Landis Auditorium at Riverside Community College (the Riverside city Campus)
Tickets:$6 for student/RCC staff/senior/child $8 general admission (both if purchased in advance) $10 student/RCC staff/senior/child $12 general admission (both on the day of the performance)
for more ticket infor call (951) 222-8100
well that's all i'm posting for now so ya don't get lost in any other stuff
Thelana Darkstar · Thu Apr 28, 2005 @ 02:55am · 3 Comments |
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Ballet Folklorico and heartbreak |
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Ok, so it's not really heartbreak. I'm just sitting here hurting cuz my ex, Steve, said some stuff to me that i didn't want to hear. I mean i hate him but hate comes from love and at one point i sorta blindly was in love with the guy. Anyways, we got in an argument over Emily, who's one of my best friends. He was saying all this crap about how her boyfriend was cheating on her and that if she put up with it that she was nuts and all this stuff. Then he started on me about the fact that i carved his name in my leg at the knee. It's been a good 8 months and now he's asking about it. Supposedly my so-called friends have been telling him about it. If they're concerned then talk to me, not someone else. Then he started on other s**t. One thing that really bugged was when he said that it was nice to date someone that doesn't have to say that they're not a virgin.......IT WASN'T MY ******** FAULT!!!!!!!! ok anyways. my loving joshie sent him a lovely letter telling him just what he thought of the convo. I love my joshie so much.
Now for the good news. THEY HAVE THE BALLET FOLKLORICO AT RCC!!!! Yes, the classes are free so i'm gonna go to the beginner classes and when i get good enough i'm gonna join the advanced classes that is the actual performing group. I've been wanting to join so much so now i can. The beginners are on thursdays from 6-9pm. late i know but i'm still willing to go. so yea. me really happy about that. and that's all for now. laters
Thelana Darkstar · Thu Mar 10, 2005 @ 06:29am · 2 Comments |
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wow, i just realized that i haven't posted in forever. so here's a bit of an update.
The Dance Show i'm in is called Celebrate Dance. It's going to be held at RCC (Riverside Community College or College of Champions for those who go there).It's been going along great. Our choreographer had to change it a couple times cuz the faculty putting on the show weren't too happy with some stuff...oh well. So far it's 20 minutes long...20 minutes!! in heels!!! stupid heels. speaking of heels, the ones that i got for the show want to kill me eek eek eek . of the two times i've worn them for practice i've fallen both times sweatdrop . they are really slippery. so i hafta find some other ones or find a way to make those un-slippery.
anywaz...RCC just started their spring semester on the 14 of Feb. (yep that was valentines day...stupid school). My first actual big test is on March 14 for Psychology, this tuesday for Chemistry and i'm not sure when for CA History sweatdrop . I should find that out 3nodding .
I was actually able to see Joshua a good few times this past week or so. I went over to his house on Thursday and we went to see Constantine. Great movie!!! 3nodding 3nodding heart heart I luveth the movie heart heart . Preety angel wings. ooo! and he bought me the Di Gi Charat hat exclaim *happily skips around while wearing the hat. I wore it to RCC and everyone thought i was so kewt. *kitten smile* Anyways, and then he spent the day at my house saturday (yesterday for those who don't know what day this is) and we had fun. We watched La Bamba (again, luveth the movie heart heart and we played MTG (Magic the Gathering) and made brownies, and man, those were some awesome brownies wink .
But yea that's a quick overview of my life so far. So for now...lata *waves*
Thelana Darkstar · Mon Mar 07, 2005 @ 04:55am · 1 Comments |
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Two Random Poems...please review |
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ok well as the lovely topic states i wrote two lovely random poems and since i've been thinking a lot about death today (i'll get into that later) i thought i'd write them here now.
Dreams Made Flesh She walks through the world Shining light on all who see her Yet striking fear as cold as ice Deep in the hearts of men Her eyes shine, one black as night, on silver as the dawn For her double nature Double life Double dream A mist curls around her Forming her robes of light and dark A child so wise it's unforgiveable An angel so mortal it's unheard of Still she walks Through day and night Counting time as if it didn't exist Except in her mind A cloaked figure walks beside her Shrouded in darkness Wearily carrying his scythe A skeletal hand touches her shoulder And she smiles at the familiar touch At her other side walks a figure in light His shape always shifting They walk beside her To the Gates of Forever And there, they lead her home.
Death's Daughter Rays of light Cutting through the silence As I float through the solid air Cool and wet around my skin No feelin, No sound Just the light At the end of the tunnel A tunnel of darkness A black mystery slowly closing in Eating me alive So there's just me, the light and the darkness All together balancing perfectly A shadow blocks the light I recognize the shape The man in black robes The skeleton cloaked in night Showing what we all are in the end A black mist curls around the gleaming scythe As he beckons me to follow I am his daughter, after all
Thelana Darkstar · Wed Jan 12, 2005 @ 05:20am · 3 Comments |
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I'm not sure what i'm thinking right now. I'm not sure what i heard just now. I think i heard that the one person that I can trust (that's right me...not Thelana not Nanashi not anyone else...just me) just said that he tells me to say no so that he can prepare for when he'll just be a servant to me...a consort...a Prince to his Queen. The one person that I truly love is waiting for me to cast him aside. And for the first time in a very long time i have nothing to say...i have nothing to think...my mind is blank. I'm sitting here planning on what to say to "the guys" so we can make new arrangements since he said he wanted to come with me, and thinking about stuff that's gonna happen...and he's there planning on the time that i'll cast him aside and he'll just be there to serve...he there...learning to live alone. He said it was just a vision...something that might pass. I wonder whether he thinks that it will actually happen. I love him so much...i thought the whole consort thing was all just us...because i'm her and he's him. Well at least like them, because our love is strong and because....because i don't know what. I'm just rambling...i know i am right now and i'm sorry to whoever reads this for it won't mean a thing...but i had to put it down. I love him and i'm not going to cast him out. He's not going to be the consort (at least only just in joke), he's going to be by my side...and the perfect husband and the perfect father...but never a servant.
I love him so much. He's the only person who has ever truly loved me. He's the only male that a truly and completely trust...almost the only person except for Emily. If he tells me to do something i'll do it, no matter if i'd hate myself for it after. I would be but a servant to him if he would let me. He's so beautiful, inside and out. I look into his eyes and i see me staring back (or at least the same person, the same soul). I try to hide something from him but he knows there's something wrong with the smallest change of inflection and tone in my voice. I can't keep secrets no matter how minute they are, cuz he knows. He's the only one who understands me, cuz he's gone through the same or worse. He's the only one who let me save him...who let me do what i want to do most, what i need to do for people. And maybe i didn't yet, but I'll only try all the harder to make it truth, to make him safe, to make us one so he won't be alone anymore. He tells me anything i ask about him...and there have been some interesting conversations. And everytime he shows that he trusts me i trust him a lil more...if it's possible to trust him more than i do. I love his eyes. They are truly the windows to his soul, and that soul is good. there is nothing bad i can see. He shows so much through those eyes, if people would just take the time to look. So many have hurt him, don't trust him, treat him unkindly, take him for granted and advantage of his kindness. I don't understand how they could not see how easy it is to love him, to trust him. I don't see what they see, i see someone who is as perfect as can be, at least for me. He give and give and never ask anything in return. Sometimes all he ever wants is someone just to talk to, but others couldn't even give him that. If i could i would give him the world...with the moon and the rest of the universe...well maybe i can *smirks* but never mind about that. I know i'm rambling but i just have so much to say about him..so much to love. But i must go now...for it is late...very late and i must be off to bed.
Thelana Darkstar · Sat Jan 08, 2005 @ 11:03am · 2 Comments |
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I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!! *kitty victory cry* |
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WEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! whee whee whee I got chosen by one of the choreographers so far for her piece in the dance concert. I was so surprised eek cuz i didn't think i'd get in. Yay...the auditions wasn't a total failure!!! I'm gonna go over to RCC tomorrow to see if i got in any other pieces, so yea, keep u're fingers crossed!!! I really hope i got in the salsa piece, or the hip hop piece or even the first piece i tried out for, i like the song to that. yea so i'm gonna stop my rambling cuz i realize that noone was there and so you have no idea what pieces i'm taking about so i'm gonna stop rambling and go bye bye now sweatdrop sweatdrop ....wuvvles!!!!! heart heart heart *does a victory kitty cry* 4laugh
Thelana Darkstar · Wed Dec 15, 2004 @ 02:21am · 4 Comments |
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